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The Playstation 3 is God
by Expendable Sony Executive #524
A completely unbiased look at the next generation consoles
The Sony Playstation 3 has been maligned lately because of its high price point, its unwieldy technology, poor selection of launch titles, and lack of innovation. In my completely unbiased opinion, all those claims are plain untrue, and that's why the great guys at Sony have asked me to write this article, to dispel rumors and false perceptions people may have about the latest gaming console offering from the king of consoles.
Since when is $600 expensive?
Supposedly $600 is now an expensive price for a gaming system. Really, it's not. It's really annoying to hear consumers say, "Oh, I can spend $600 on various bills like water and heating and electricity, but I can't justify spending $600 on a PS3". In the end, what's REALLY more important? Some bills or the enjoyment and entertainment that only the Sony Playstation 3 can provide? The Playstation 3 can provide warmth, electricity and in a tight spot, can manufacture naturally occurring spring water from within itself. If anything, Sony isn't charging you ENOUGH for the Playstation 3. The great technology, the graphical capabilities, the Blu-Ray drive that we swear will be as powerful as any drive ever, it should cost much more than a paltry $600 sum. Say, $1000, instead. That's what I would charge those ungrateful parasites of human beings we at Sony have to call 'customers'. Then again, as a Sony executive I have no personal opinion and get my thoughts through connection to the Sony hive mind, but the point still stands.
Get a fucking job
Another thing that just lights up my gander is when people say the reason why they aren't willing to pony up the $600 for this obvious marvel of corporate marketing engineering is that the economy is bad and that they just got laid off yesterday when their job got outsourced to some wholesale outsourcing company in Mumbai or that they're starving students and their college studies won't permit them to work the two full-time jobs necessary for our potential customers to acquire a piece of tomorrow's (as in the PC's that will be coming out in the next three months) technology, today (as in next January, because we all know it would be impossible to release a million unproven and buggy systems on a worldwide launch date in November!). My answer is to quit your whining and get a job like The Man and God on Earth that is Ken Kutaragi said. Marketing studies have shown that consumers who have acquired an extensive education beyond the three R's (reading, riting n' rithmatic's) will less likely purchase such a great product as the PS3 after making an informed and educated desicion, as opposed to the 'eXtreme' 18-25 demographic and Myspace users. I seriously suggest all those college students drop out of college starting on Launch Day and enjoy our system, as it will be the answer to all your problems. As for the unemployed, well then I suggest you take out that second mortgage right away. After all, you know you wouldn't want to disappoint Little Timmy and Jessica when they find out the reason why they aren't the coolest kids on the block with a PS3 is because daddy got laid off now, would you? Hence why with your purchase of a Deluxe Package PS3 system we will include with our online service (as soon as we decide whether we want to include online service or not!) instant access to Sony's financial and banking sub-division companies, who will be happy to take your requests for a loan and mortgage!
Blu-Ray: The Wave of the Future
The Sony Playstation 3 is the first console to have a Blu-Ray drive. So what if most consumers do not have the capability entertainment system-wise for a Blu-Ray drive to make a difference in terms of audio/video, Sony's going to provide the next generation in DVD watching anyway even though it might be defeated by HD-DVD. But the point is the Xbox 360 will be charging $100 extra for an HD-DVD drive, but Sony is so generous we'll be giving it to you for free in the $600 edition of the Playstation 3. Some critics might say that given the PS2's DVD player, the Blu-Ray drive for the Playstation 3 will be of similar poor quality, but to that I respond by asking them to name any Sony product that's EVER broken before. Nintendo certainly has broken products. At our R&D lab, we hit the GameCube with a sledgehammer and it broke. Weak.
You will like it, you will love it, so just shut up and suck it
Seriously, folks. What will there not be to like about our system? If ten years as the undisputed champion of the console wars say anything, it's that nobody can beat our fine selection of quality third-party sequels and sports titles! Sure, when we were starting out on the original Playstation console, we may have ushered in the golden age of RPGs in the West and our project selection committee may have been comprised of actual gamers who wanted to see new and unique products on our fledgling system, as opposed to our latest committee which is comprised solely of a highly concentrated focus group of 15-18 year olds and trusted junior executives, such as myself. But those times are gone. The gamer has matured over the years and this newest generation has never experienced such a crude concept as a '2D action platformer' or a challenging game that didn't involve choices like 'which type of baseball bat is best for beating up a hooker with?' So why would we want to reduce our console's amazing graphical capabilities to crunching out sprites in a 2D game that only a few of those weird die-hard gamers who go shopping for games in import shops would buy, when we have to think about the bigger picture? The world wants more Madden, GTA titles and WWII FPS games, not platformers and RPG's! Besides, cell shading is soooo like for kids!
The Playstation 3: Physically, Spiritually Bigger Than Jesus
Nietzsche once said "God is dead"; he was partially correct, as the previous God is dead, and replaced by the Playstation 3. The Playstation 3 can work on HDTVs, unlike a certain supposed savior who died for our sins. The Playstation 3 controller has motion sensors, unlike, again, Jesus Christ. Sony is dedicated to replacing all major religions in the world with fine Sony quality products who won't just up and die on you like the aforementioned Jesus Christ. Sony also plans on building a giant tower to replace all places of worship, a tower that will be the largest free standing structure in the world. It won't burn like those so-called 'synagogues' from World War II. It is step 13 in our plan for world domin-er, format domination...of the household.
Of course, should Sony fail at its goals and when all is said and done, the Playstation 3 controls only 99% of the market, I will be forced to fall on my metaphorical sword to keep the heads of the company from catching any flack. Despite it not being my own choice ultimately, I will do it gladly, for the glory of the Sony mega-empire, and also because as an employee of Sony, I have no free will. Until then, all hail the Sony empire and increased profit margins!