Best viewed in 1280x1024
The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
A Completely Accurate History of Video Games
by Expendable Sony Executive #524
Lately Microsoft has made criticisms of the Sony Playstation 3 that I find, frankly, laughable, as does the rest of the executives in my hive. In order to clarify some of the lies Microsoft has spread in the recent weeks, I, and by I I mean "Sony which replaced my soul with stock options" decided to write a History of Video Games. With this History of Video Games, it will make clear Sony's role in the advent of video gaming in the mainstream of society and Microsoft's decidedly uninvolved stance and lack of importance.
1958: William Higinbotham at Brookhaven National Laboratory creates the first true video game, ping pong tennis on an oscilloscope screen. However, the majority of people were not impressed as the game did not look as crisp as a Sony Playstation 3 title on a brand new HDTV.
1972: Atari releases PONG, and it goes on to become the first video game to attain commercial success. However, it pales in comparison to the new Sony Playstation 3, which will have tennis games in 3D, along with racquetball, ping-pong and doubles Tetris.
1978: Tatio releases Space Invaders, a game where you control a gun turret shooting at the aforementioned invaders. However, this game never really compares to Warhawk for the Playstation 3, which will be controlled by our state-of-the-art motion sensor technology.
1980: Pac-Man is released in Japan by Namco. In fact, the game was developed by Sony in the late-1990's, but Namco employees, jealous of the success of the Playstation, stole the conceptual designs, programming and level design for Pac-Man, then using a time machine [also stolen from Sony] to go back in time and give the stolen designs and programming to the company Namco in 1980.
1981: A young video game developer by the name of Shigeru Miyamoto creates Donkey Kong. Agame involving a large ape, an as of yet nameless plumber and a kidnapped princess. a few years later, Nintendo ran out of original ideas and rehashed the characters, but replaced the ape with a lizard king and castles and implied psychedelic drug use. Do you ever see Sony encouraging your kids to use drugs? What hurts me the most, though is how that game became one of the defining games in video game history, despite being a ripoff of an earlier idea by the same developer. And we all now how bad things get when developers start ripping off ideas from earlier work! However, rest assured that at Sony, we strive for originality. Like the PS3's controller which will now have a diamond shaped LED light in the center, instead of a rectangle shaped one!
1983: Nintendo releases their Famicom system in Japan, along with Mario Bros. It later came with an optional floppy disk drive, where you could burn games purchased at disk burning machines in convenience stores across Japan. This idea was also stolen from us by time traveling Nintendo employees who saw our designs for the deluxe edition PS3 with hard drive. Due to the technological limitations of the 80's, they were forced to use floppy disk drives and disk burning machines to distribute games, which doesn't hold a candle to our online distribution strategies and our hard drive.
1989: Nintendo creates the Nintendo Game Boy, the first portable system from Nintendo. It had a green screen, a large frame and the games it played were simple and childish, unlike the PSP, which launched with such mature titles as Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories and Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories. The Game Boy ran on cartridges, not disks, and could not play any movies, much less movies in the UMD format. Indeed, if one looks at the technical specifications, PSP mops the floor with a system 16 years its senior.
1989: Sega releases the Sega Genesis. 16 years later and Sega not only is our bitch because as history indicates, nobody liked Sega's consoles. But Sega still releases kiddy games like Sonic. Sony occasionally publishes them out of sympathy and to show our ownership of everything Sega holds dear.
1993: DOOM, the first truly popular first person shooter [a genre idea id software stole from Sony in 1995 and then went back in time and used] for a 'platform' called the PC. A folly, because the PC will soon become obsolete by the release of the Playstation 3 if not already due to the hard drive upgrade for the Playstation 2. Also, DOOM caused the horrific Columbine shootings. Sony has yet to be the cause behind any shootings, though the company has been the cause behind lots of financial success and fan satisfaction over the years.
1994: The first real video game system of any importance, the Sony Playstation, is released in Japan. Just by sheer releasing, the Sony Playstation completely changes the face of video games, directly responsible for mature video games, use of violence, sexuality, 3D graphics, voice acting, the controller rumble function, first person shooters, and racing games.
1995: The Sega Saturn is released. No one gave a shit.
1996: Nintendo in an attempt to cash in on our success with the Playstation, releases the Nintendo 64. It was a failure because Nintendo still made games using the outdated cartridge system and because Goldeneye 007 was too kiddy to be taken as a serious contender in the nascent FPS genre.
1997: A little known company by the name of Squaresoft comes to us, asking us to release a game by the name of Final Fantasy VII on our fledgling Playstation system. We initially had doubts, as since the beginning we marketed the console as the console of eXtremeness, complete with edgy ads and a disembodied polygonal head and that we explicitly stated that we wouldn't be selling any gay ass RPG's on our system. In the end, management gave in and we released FFVII on the Playstation. Fast forward 9 years later and we have a valuable ally in our quest to brainwash the masses and buy our products in Square-Enix, who is always pushing the envelope of originality with games like FFVII: Dirge of Cerebrus, FFVII: Crisis Core and FFVII: We love it when our fans buy us blowjobs. Hey, who said that we always make the right initial business decisions? However, that was 9 years ago and it was a different time. I still think that RPG's are gay, and that's why the next Final Fantasy game is going to be an FPS!
1999: Sega stupidly releases the Sega Dreamcast, the 128 bit processor system that would be their last. Sega released the Dreamcast too close to the arrival of the Playstation 3, heretofore known as the Second Coming of Christ. Despite learning video gamers wanted mature, realistic games like Twisted Metal or Final Fantasy VII, but still went forth with kiddy garbage like Jet Grind Radio, Soul Calibur and Shenmue. Expectedly, the system failed and Sega never made a console again.
Humanity's only hope.
2001: True to Stanley Kubrick's movie, something wonderful did happen to humanity in 2001. It also looked like a black monolith, but much cooler. It was the release of our Sony Playstation 2. The Microsoft Xbox released around that time as well, as did the Gamecube. But the Xbox was a huge overheating PC in a black box and not as cool as the PS2. The Gamecube? Let's just say that Nintendo needs to grow the fuck up.
2001: A little game called Grand Theft Auto 3 is released for the Playstation 2, quickly becoming a smash commercial and critical hit. GTA3 innovates as the first video game about illicit behavior, which Sony does not approve of in real life in any way other than if it makes us a profit, and brewed controversey amongst right-wing religious types. Apparently they don't like money, which can solve all moral quandaries. The game came out a month after 9/11 and more than anything, was instrumental in recovery from the powerful blow Al-Qaeda gave to the United States citizenry's spirits. 9/11 would have been much worse had it not preceded the glory of Grand Theft Auto 3.
2004: A great force for good and a great force for evil were both born in the year 2004. First, Sony released the brilliant PSP with its many features, from support of the UMD format, a portable offshoot of DVD which may have been the greatest format ever if not for the Sony Blu-Ray format, to ability to play mp3s and read memory sticks, to great games like Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories and Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories. The great force for evil was the Nintendo DS. What the hell was that?! Two screens and one of them you can touch? More kiddy stuff like a rehash of the N64 Mario game but with green dinosaurs and a cost of less then $500! But people are stupid and bought it anyway. However, when our PSP came out, despite good initial market momentum, Evil won the battle. However, when we release our white PSP, our market projections show that we'll gain ground and eventually overtake the gay ass DS by leaps and bounds, thanks to our innovative marketing campaign that's hip and edgy. Much like Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories and Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories.
2005: Microsoft releases the Xbox 360 to public apathy. It was nothing more than an Xbox painted white. Can it support Blu-Ray? No, it can barely support HD-DVD, the lesser of formats. The Xbox 360 behaves similar to a PC, and we all have been brainwashed to know that the Sony Playstation 3 will make all PCs obsolete. There are no good games for it, and even if there are, the Playstation 3 will also have them, only better. Except for Halo 3, but it will be nothing compared to the onslaught of greatness titled Killzone 2.
2006: Nintendo does something stupid again and announces that they have renamed their not-so-REVOLUTIONary console to 'Wii' which makes me think of some childish euphemism for cock. Haha, I just implied that Nintendo is gay! They end up drawing the crowds at E3, but that's ok. People just wanted to see it to make fun of it's totally gay-ass name anyway! We also announced that we changed the PS3's controller design to look less gay looking after receiving comments about how it looked like a sex toy. Our new controller design not only reflects upon our glorious history, but it holds the promise of the future inside, with it's totally awesome motion-control technology! We like to call it, recovering something Nintendo stole from us and put into their totally gay Wii machine.
2006: 2006 also houses perhaps the most important event in the history of humankind: the release of the Sony Playstation 3. Not only will the system or demi-god revolutionize the video gaming and entertainment industry, but it will also solve world hunger, resolve Middle Eastern conflicts, disarm all nuclear powers, and create world peace, happiness and prosperity for all. And don't forget its support of the great Blu-Ray format AND such games as Metal Gear Solid 4, Killzone 2 and Grand Theft Auto 4 outpacing reality in the 'fun' department.
And so ladies and gentleman, that is the true history of video games! Note how even at it's beginings, Sony was always there to bring innovation and preparing the way for The Second Coming. Yes, those innovations may have been stolen from us or they were totally lame compred to today's awesome HDTV compatible Playstation 3. But they were retroactively ours to begin with and that's all that counts! So keep watching the sky for the signs people. And remember, that the only future-proof meduim is Blu-Ray!