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THE REASONS FOR THE FALL OF HUMANITY
NUMBER 1: THE HALO FRANCHISE
by Generalissimo Furioso
Yes, as you may have already seen, I believe humanity is on its final throes, its last hurrah, its swan song, its bad endy thingy. Anyway, this chapter of my theory is dedicated to one of the most annoying things to ever be created. Put yourself back five years, to the year 2001, its nearing the end of the year, fall is setting in, the leaves are turning various colors, and it's a beautiful September morning. Two hours later, the World Trade Center is a pile of ash and rubble and the world is set ablaze with Patriotism and horrible songs by country music has-been's riding the wave of Us Vs. Them's A-RABses, then the Xbox came out. Now, this would have gone unnoticed if it hadn't been for a terrible little First Person Shooter called Halo...
Halo was the first FPS to incorporate several little things that made itself different from other FPS' before it. First, it had "realistic" physics, yes for the first time, people could be shown the exactly wrong way people and aliens die when shot with guns. Second, you could only hold two guns! Yes, supposedly this was for realism's sake, but in reality, humans wouldn't be waging a pointless war against stupid aliens. Thirdly, it supposedly had a "good" story and "good" character development...more on that later. Finally, it was the first FPS to fully incorporate the newly created Xbox LIVE feature...A LOT MORE on that later. As you can probably tell, I was not fooled by the Satan box's foul temptation of shiny reflective helmets and horrible weapon design, and will thusly dissect this game to derive the exact reason why this game has encapsulated so many frat boys.
First, the physics and graphics, supposedly cutting edge for its time, are actually really, really imperfect and flawed. It was one of the first games to actually use Ragdoll physics, however, when compared to other games that used the same physics, it really falls flat. One of the many things that infuriates me is the way things die in Halo, they collapse into heaps, nothing with two legs collapses into a heap when shot, bludgeoned or exploded, nor do they flail their arms wildly while sailing through the air. Sure, it all seems harmless, unless you take into account the fact that many of these ideas are being embedded into the minds of our prime source of soldiers, the frat boy. With an entire generation of soldiers being conditioned to think that things scream when they get shot in the face, how are we supposed to win the Iraq War? or the upcoming World War huh? HUH?! Also, in combat, it is more than possible to carry more than two weapons, that's why we invented the holster and the bandolier, which brings up another good point, they never show anyone in Halo with a weapon by their side, in a holster, or in a bandolier. Sure, this may take place in the future, but I doubt that any military force would completely disregard the usefulness of the holster.
Then we come to the story of Halo, one of a sole genetically engineered super soldier taking on a group of religiously motivated aliens. Some people said it's epic and original, there's only one problem with that, IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE! Geez, if Bungie is going to rip something off, it might as well rip something off that it didn't make itself. Don't know what I'm talking about? Go back to 1998, a small unknown company releases a FPS for the Mac, about a Super Soldier taking on a group of Economically motivated aliens. Yeah, MARATHON, bitches. It was the only reason I didn't regret my parents buying a Mac, compared to Halo, Marathon is friggin' work of art, the story was much better, the weapons were much more badass (Dual wielded Shotguns bitches), and it did something that many games at it's time failed to do, it made you read, and it made you think! People to this day are still arguing over the ending of Marathon Infinity (Yes, Durandal did become a god and yes, Tycho is still alive). The only thing I hear about Halo's story is, "Why the Fuck can't we play as the Flood online?" and "I hope Master Chief finally shows us he's black", yeah, that's some real storytelling talent you got now Bungie. Even the premise of Master Chief isn't original, I can name three different sources of super soldiers, each of which is ten times more bad ass than Master Chief (Wolverine, X-Men; Space Marines aka Adeptus Astartes, Warhammer 40K; Jean Claude Van Damme, Universal Soldier).
Finally, Halo 2 saved Xbox and Xbox LIVE from disappearing into obscurity, that in and of itself is reason enough to believe it was made by the Devil, but it also created something that I have honestly never seen before, the whole L33T shit, Roxxorz and Haxxorz, and all that other bullshit. If I wanted to be called a fag by some little 14 year old shit from Dallas, Texas, I'd go down there myself for vacation, but now I have to put up with it in every game I play online that isn't Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War. It single handedly destroyed what the Gauls, Visigoths and Romans were never able to: the English language. Secondly, it's engine's ability to create Machinema, has led to creation of Red Vs. Blue, honestly one of the least funny things to ever exist in Humanity's existence, HA HA HA, look at those super soldiers talk like 20 year old losers with nothing better to do than make horrible tasteless humor and commercials for EA's various sports videogames (none of which I enjoy either).
So as can be seen, Halo has single-handedly caused 9/11, The Destruction of the English language, Humorless filth on the internet, and The Iraq War (Halo 2 was released just weeks before/after Operation Shock and Awe began). If it isn't stopped now, there is no doubt in my mind that it'll somehow rip open a void to a fiery dimension of Brimstone and Lava, causing Satan himself to appear and destroy the world, all the while chanting about how much he's "Going to PWN J00".