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Playstation 3 Uber Alles
by Sony Drone #11267
Sony's complete and total victory over the Nintendo GameCube 1.5 - explained
It happened, people. Sony and Nintendo squared off and Sony won unequivocally. Already people have questioned me in this judgment. It is perfectly fine to be completely wrong. However, I wish to set people straight as soon as possible so no more of this awful 'dissent' continues to occur. Sony won. Sony won despite Sony having less product to sell than Nintendo. Sony won despite having less games to sell than Nintendo. Sony won despite it being physically, mathematically and logically impossible for Sony to win. Want to know exactly why? Here are 10 reasons why the Sony Playstation 3 slaughtered the competition (and why competition is outdated and irrelevant as a concept).
1. Metal Gear Solid 4. So far I've played 16 hours of the new work of art and let me say this: it is better than sex, and by comparison the lesson we learned from World War II is meaningless compared to Metal Gear Solid 4. Don't you people love the new environments, the masterful voice acting, the seamless cutscenes, the wonderful 9 GB hard drive install every time you play it? What? Metal Gear Solid 4 didn't come out on launch day? What? Metal Gear Solid may not be PS3-exclusive anymore? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You're paying for the POTENTIAL TO EVENTUALLY PLAY METAL GEAR SOLID 4!!!!!!
2. Everyone who bought a Playstation 3 obviously bought it to play video games and great Blu-Ray movies on it. Who would think someone bought a short supplied electronics item to turn around and sell it for a higher price and thus earn a large profit? Who would be so crazy so as to expect such an awful, cynical thing? Despite what 'sales charts' have people believing, my airtight, unbiased source of "Sony" tells me the sales for the PS3 games are on the right level, not far below the sales of the actual system. Same with Blu-Ray movies. In fact, according to the official sales charts, people bought 16 games and 15 movies for every system sold! What an amazing feat considering the launch only had 8 games! What a terrific launch insofar as because of the success Sony WON'T have me killed.
3. Nintendo obviously doesn't understand the idea of supply and demand. Supply and demand doesn't mean you should supply people with as much as they demand, it means you should supply people with nothing and tell them you'll give them more someday eventually with no time parameters! Sony knows economics, people, so don't question our decisions, understand and go on to love those decisions. If we shipped out as many PS3s as needed, why, that'd be idiotic! How else would we cause strife, anger, frustration, and cataclysmic chaos? Our plan to rescue the lost soul of Mephisto and place it in the body of an unborn child (to bring Hell on Earth) would be much, MUCH harder. The way Nintendo does things, you start suspecting they don't seek the end of the world at all.
4. Blu-Ray! Blu-Ray! Blu-Ray! Tell me all of you watched Talladega Nights, perhaps the funniest movie ever packed in with a Sony Playstation 3 in an effort to sell people on the Blu-Ray format ever. Imagine seeing every single pore on Will Ferrell's face on your spectacular HDTV. What a glorious dream. A dream on the level of Martin Luther King Jr.'s or Jesus Christ's. It exists and it is within the grasp of you, the commoner. Just spend $600 on the Sony Playstation 3 and you, like approximately the 6,800 other people who bought the system, will experience the delight in seeing a comedy movie so obviously reliant on sharp visuals and defining color, contrast and sound which can only be brought to you by Blu-Ray. Hapless consumer slaves can thank us by putting out a few more mortgages on their houses (it never hurts to give more to Sony).
5. The Nintendo Wii is for small children, homosexuals and demographics that don't matter (aka anything beyond 18-25 males). According to market research, it's not only true, it's 110% true (market research carried out by the Sony for Sony Committee owned by Sony). If a consumer wants to play REAL games, watch REAL movies, and toast REAL quality wheat bread, the choice is simple: the Playstation 3, or the Playstation 3 Core edition (note: core edition does not include disk drive, or hard drive, or wires). For consumers of the small child/moral relativist freak/demographics which don't fit in our finely tuned marketing schematic variety, I guess the Wii is the choice for you.
6. People of all stripes, including the homeless, scrounged up enough money to buy Playstation 3 consoles. A lot of critics dogged us over the past few months, deriding the Sony Playstation 3 as a system for rich, white people. Who looks stupid now, 'critics'?! You saw the news stories! Homeless people lined up for days waiting to buy a PS3 and wire it up to their nonexistent HDTV using a nonexistent outlet on the wall they don't have. A scheme used by scalpers who intend to sell the systems they net on eBay? Bah! Very unlikely. In fact, I bet right now homeless people around the country are laughing out loud to the comedic stylings of Will Ferrell. Anyone who says homeless people purchasing $600 video gaming systems while not having enough money for food is the REAL elitist here!
7. Vladimir Cole hates the Wii. We at Sony cannot
remember if we created Vladimir Cole for our botched 'Blogbot' plans, or if he's
just another sucker discerning customer who loves the Sony PS3.
Nevertheless, he provides an important duty for us when he posts idiotic blog
entry after idiotic blog entry slamming Nintendo in response to whenever some
unenlightened Blu-Ray hater dares to criticize the Playstation 3. Though we're
unaware if he ever plays video games or likes anything, we suspect he enjoys the
Playstation 3. Wait...what's this here...hm. Yes, apparently Vladimir Cole IS on
our payroll. Therefore, he coincidentally is the one video gaming journalist
worth listening to, and if he loves the PS3, the PS3 is the right choice. Want
proof of his prowess? In one of his posts, for example, he criticizes
Twilight Princess by noting that
the leaves during the fall component of gameplay are brown. With airtight logic
like that, he certainly IS the best video game journalist around!
8. Sixaxis. Woo! Our success could not happen without the innovative controller known as the Sixaxis. With the Sixaxis, moving the controller in a certain way achieves something. Through a sensor bar mounted on top of TV, the PS3mote works as a combination of a mouse and a pointer with several different movements possible. Also, coming soon will be attachments to the PS3mote, like the Nunchuk and the PS3 classic controller...oh, er, sorry. The previous apply to Nintendo's garbage new controller. We, uh, we must have accidentally got mixed up there. Heh heh. Uh, anyway, Sixaxis is great...
9. Gears of War causes cancer. Though our battle is not technically with the losers over at Microsoft, we defeat them handily without even having to do anything. Their own products do it for them, in this case Gears of War. According to studies at the Sony Institute, if you play Gears of War aka Halo 2.5, you have a greater chance of contracting cancer. Typical of Microsoft's poor programming and gaijin status. Sadly there is no cure for cancer yet so if you contract it, your life is essentially over...unless you buy a PS3! We plan to update our firmware with the cure for cancer within the next few months/years/maybe someday (warning: this may refer to Denis Leary's seminal comedy album No Cure for Cancer and not a cure for the disease cancer). Sony = curing cancer!
10. It's Sony. Sony wins by name brand alone. Look at the PS2's complete victory over the Dreamcast, the N64 1.5 and the Xbox. Look at the PSP's eventual victory over the DS when we finally blow up the factory Nintendo uses to create DS systems (therefore allowing the PSP to win a weekly sales race). Hell, now you can look at the PS3's higher level of sales as compared to Xbox 360 and the Wii (if you make up data or deliberately skew several graphs, which is recommended). Draw the obvious conclusion, people - Sony will always win because of Sony's name brand recognition. It worked for Nintendo in the 90's until it stopped for some reason, but we have no reason to think OUR arrogance and reliance on stupid formats will doom us. I mean, when has THAT ever happened before?
There. A perfect overview of Sony's victory over competition. I'd continue, but I do not want to deprive all of you from precious time to play the Playstation 3. Enjoy Mobile Suit Gundam: Crossfire, loyal drones/customers!