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The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Wii edition) Review
by The Red Fox
special guest appearances by Steve Niles and Shigeru Miyamoto
There is a god!
For my entire life I have been searching for something to give my life meaning. Only now do I find what I was searching for. Twilight Princess is perhaps the greatest game, no, greatest thing to have ever been created by man, but don't take my word for it. Simply read this completely unbiased review and you will know exactly what I am talking about.
The storyline of Twilight Princess is essentially the one of all the other Zelda games that have come before it: villain takes over Hyrule, Goddesses choose hero, hero saves Hyrule, game ends. It may be formulaic, but it works. In this incarnation, Link comes from the yet unmentioned southern province of Ordon, where he lives the life of a farmhand/orphan. There is an established love interest, Ilia, and he is idolized by all the children of the village. Awwww. Of course, everything goes horribly wrong when a group of boar mounted monsters breaks into the village and steals both the children and Ilia. Link chases them to a large black wall, which is the barrier between light and dark realms. Link becomes a wolf, meets up with a little imp, Midna, and together they save the land. In between there is a lot of soap opera esque moments (amnesia, secret identities, child abductions, brainwashing, billionaire industrialists) and a whole lot of fun gameplay.
One of the greatest qualities of Zelda games in the past was the abundance of a variety of types of weapons used in the course of the game, and Twilight Princess does not disappoint. Some of the weapons are old favorites, while the developers have also brought in a whole new set that will no doubt become Zelda staples for years to come. This time around the boomerang has been revamped, now infused with a wind spirit allowing Link to control minor tornadoes when he throws it. Even with the new attributes, the Gale Boomerang doesn't really add anything from the traditional boomerang used in years past since the function of the item is the exact same with only some cosmetic touches. Another new weapon would be the Spinner, basically a giant spinning top. This item is very unique as it is used as a key more than as a weapon (it's like a giant gear in that respect), and adds a little different aspect to the otherwise mainly offensive items. The Ball and Chain is just a giant mace used for hitting things and, even though it may seem like a very simple idea, adds a lot to the game. Finally Link has a massive powered weapon that is slow and cumbersome like all of the enemies he faces. Probably the last really "new" weapon would be the Dominion Rod, allowing the player to control certain statues throughout the area of Hyrule. In the Temple of Time this is a very interesting weapon, since it allows Link to control weapon wielding statues, but in all the later events seems to fall short.
Twilight Princess, from the original design, was tweaked to be played on the Nintendo Wii and from weeks of playtime, it really shows to be a worthwhile conversion from GameCube title to Wii title. The game utilizes both the remote and nunchuk attachment skillfully, with every buttons used for an important in-game task. A performs random on screen actions whilst B uses secondary items. Left, down, and right on the control pad arm weapons that are used with B and the lower buttons, plus, minus, one, and two, open different menus. Z locks onto targets and the control stick moves, but the truly inspirational part is how Link uses his sword. Instead of taking up a button, the sword is slashed by simply swinging the remote as if brandishing the sword itself. This gives a great feel to the game because it immerses you in the gameplay, instead of simply being a third party idly pressing buttons.
Graphics-wise, Twilight Princess really wasn't what I was expecting it to be; it far surpassed my expectations. The entire world is very crisp and detailed, making everything seem to blend together into a really natural looking environment. The effect is very pleasant to look at as well as adding to the depth of the game by seeming to make all of these improbable events and creatures seem very realistic. Here the lessons of Wind Waker have been well learned, for both the traditionally high detailed graphics are intermingled with cell shaded aspects that really give the game a distinct impression. The final look is very seamless and awe inspiring. Several times, I simply stopped playing and looked around the world at the different details and design.
Look out Link, that monkey's got a piece!
Now to an expert, and I use that term loosely, character analyst, Steve Niles.
Steve Niles is back, bitches, because you just can't stop the Niles! Twilight Princess has got the ladies that Steve Niles likes to fuck even more than your girlfriend, which I covered in Niles sperm all through last week. Zelda has got a hankering for some a-Niles-allation from sweeeeet face to that royal gown, I'm talking virgin baby. Just call me King Niles baby. Twilight Princess has got it going on. Steve Niles may not prefer that type of woman generally, but in this case Steve Niles can make an exception. And, Ilia, boy Link gonna be crying in the morning when Steve Niles busts a hole through her like a power drill through butter. This whole game is just one big Niles orgy with all the women I meet, except for that shitty two dollar whore Telma, who doesn't even deserve to gaze upon Steve Niles' supercock!
Thank you Steve Niles for that, um, report. So, many games today are very dull and boring, at least in my experience, leaving a player to only want to play a game for only a few minutes at a time. This is not so for Twilight Princess, considering the only thing that stopped me from playing the game was sleeping and urination. After about two weeks I had already completed the game twice and was hankering for a third time, just this time to try to find all of the secrets I had missed all those times before. Since the game is so immense, and the dungeons so varied, it is easy to go through the entire game again just to fight enemies again. Trust me, nobody is going to want to play this game only once.
Believe it or not but you allow this guy to shoot you out of a cannon on several occasions.
With a series like Zelda that has been around for so many years, there is bound to be some sort of spillover from the other games. Besides the obvious plot and character redundancies, almost all of the enemies were the same as those from other games. Many of the bosses, for example, were almost the exact same as those in Ocarina of Time. Let's see, there was the one eyed spider, the giant eyed water blob, and the almost exactly copied Ganondorf. Of course there were many new bosses, and those that were copied were considerably revamped, but it just shows how all the ideas are recycled. Just remember in this game: always shoot for the eye.
Now for a look on the making of Twilight Princess we go to inside man, Shigeru Miyamoto. I believe he will add some insight into the creative process for the title. Take it away Shiggy.
Super cool game number one. You buy now, you buy now! Maka game so cool with iron will, brought to you by sponsors Osaka Fishing Concern and Orangeaid! Fight, go shwing and get the ladies to love you for who the man with the plan you are. ONE HUNDRED POINTS! Get the hearts of love to conquer the evil that dwells in your soul that is dredged up by the spirits of evil and despair. We're sending our love down the well! I make more games called Super Catfish Frenzy and Puppy Eater SP make all children laugh in land of eternal happiness's with TRIFORCE POWER!
O...kay. Anyway, another great aspect of Twilight Princess, if I hadn't convinced you that it is a great game already, would be the use of Epona, the horse, throughout the entire game. Due to the new control style of the game, it is possible for Link to not only fire arrows on horseback but also to use his sword to attack enemies, adding an additional level to the game. The events where this battle system is used are probably the most entertaining events of the game, since Link gets to ride around and just knock other people off their horses, or boars, whatever they may prefer. As Epona can be used on the map very early on, it allows for the map to be larger, because Link can travel to far flung areas without too much frustration. These horse mounted battles really added a dimension to Twilight Princess, but it seemed as if they could have been used more often, because I know that I kept wanting more horse battling but the dungeons just wouldn't allow for it.
Jousting on a bridge over a bottomless pit. Seems sensible.
The most distinct feature of Twilight Princess is that you can play Link in both a human and a wolf form. The wolf has many advantages over the human; it can sense things like scents or hidden areas to dig into, it can run at a decent pace, it can use Midna's dark magic, it can warp, and it can talk to animals. The drawbacks far outweigh the gains since you can no longer use items, talk to humans (they run away because you are, after all, a wolf), and you are butt naked. Both modes help to add to one another and there are many a puzzle where it is necessary to utilize both modes to complete, but, for the most part, human form is the primary mode of the game. Later on, as matter of fact, wolf mode is only used for teleportation and almost nothing else.
Currently the Wii is in short supply, but those who have one or can get one must buy this game as soon as possible. For me, this game was the only reason I tried to get a Wii so early on and, let me tell you, it was all worth it. There are only four little words to sum up this game in the end: Game of the Year.
How many needles of black tar heroin to make this game good?:
-95, the game is much more potent and addictive
What made up George W. Bush word would best describe this game?:
Zeldariffic
Most uncomfortable moment: Having Zant turn from an evil mastermind to an
angry twelve year old over the course of two minutes