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Guys
by Todd Howard
Guys.
Hey Clark, I mean, hey, loyal fans of the Fallout series. How are you doing, guys? Enjoying yourselves? I hope you've dressed lightly for the winter heat. I myself am wearing some cut-offs that expose my testicles quite often. It's a comfort thing, guys, before you ask. I'm not some weirdo. Seriously. Okay, enough small talk, guys. Time to bring up the subject matter behind me writing this. Guys. Guys. Seriously. Guys. You have to stop insulting Fallout 3 and Bethesda, guys. Seriously. Guys. You can't anymore. It's, it's, it's not the right thing to do, criticizing us before it's finished. Guys. Guuuuuuuys. Come on. Seriously. Let's get it together and stop 'criticizing'. We're just trying to help you guys by making the best Fallout game we can possibly make. Seriously.
You shouldn't be aiming your vitriol at us, seriously. We're not the ones you should hate. We have done nothing wrong, guys. We being Bethesda, the guys who're making Fallout 3 and your lives better by making our aforementioned game. Come on. Guys. Seriously. Guys. We're trying to help you, guys. Seriously. Come on. Guys. Stop it. We should all be friends here. Not enemies. I'm helping you guys out, so you should help me out by not criticizing me or critiquing me or judging me or any of that. Come on. Seriously. Guys. Why do you 'have' to criticize me and the rest of Bethesda? We're not the enemy, guys. Seriously. We're not. Come on. Do you really think we're the enemy, or do you just speculate that we're the enemy? Because I objectively know we're on the same side, guys.
What has Bethesda ever done to you that's pissed you off or done something bad to you? Nothing, guys. Seriously. We're not at fault for anything because all we want to do is make the best game possible for you guys. Seriously. I'm being seriously serious here; I'm not lying at all. Come on. I think you think you should be able to at least trust Todd Howard. I'm not a bad guy. Come on. I own a scooter, I listen to the Stereophonics. I'm hip and 'with it'. I know what's up with the underground and what's down with getting high. I've done a few illegal acts in my time, most of which involved forcibly sodomizing people whom I previously forced to put on cut-offs of my own design. What I'm saying is I'm like you. I'm certainly not 'The Man', guys. Seriously now. Guys. I'm not The Man. I'm a man, but not The Man. Thus, you can talk to me, guys. I'll contemplate, I'll muse, I'll think, I'll listen. Todd Howard is your personal ear, seriously. And I'm also in your ear. Let me tickle your eardrums. Seriously, let me caress the waxy buildup. Guys.
So let me hear you and I'll address the things you say in a timely manner. But first. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. We ARE fans of the Fallout series. We at Bethesda are fans. We are. Seriously. To say anything different is slander or libel, just like saying I lure children to my gingerbread house is obvious slander/libel because I sold my gingerbread house last year and therefore can't be luring children there. All of the previous criminal suits filed against me were thrown out of court because the alleged victims mysteriously disappeared before giving testimony. But anyway. Guys. We love Fallout. Like, I've played Fallout several times before. So have the programming guys. We even played Brotherhood of Steel. I think that's enough research to make a good Fallout 3, guys. Seriously, it is. Why wouldn't it be? We played it. Isn't that enough? I don't think we need 'knowledge' or 'creativity', since we played the games already. We know how to trace, guys.
Come on. Don't be like this. Everything is in good hands. I have good hands if you trust me enough to believe I have good hands. It's simple, guys, my philosophy. Seriously. Really simple, guys. Come on. Listen. Seriously. If I believe it to be true, that means it is true. I say I'm well versed in Fallout, then I am. I say Bethesda is a successful company everybody loves, then it's a successful comedy everybody loves. If I say you're going to give your money to us, you're gonna have to give your money to us. It's not, like, a command or a threat or anything, guys. It's just, you know how it is. I'm Todd Howard. I know what you want more than you know what you want. Seriously. Guys. I am a better version of you, guys. But you shouldn't feel bad about it, seriously. You should just, you know, be made aware of it. Guys.
I appreciate your concerns about 'the game' being 'retarded', but guys. You don't seem to realize, seriously, that Fallout 3 isn't going to be bad. We know that because, guys, we're making it. We trust ourselves, so you should also trust us. Guys. Seriously. Come on. Guys. Bethesda has a high standard of quality when it comes to everything, especially game production. We wouldn't lie, guys. Seriously. We wouldn't. I, Todd Howard, am not a liar. Because I tell the truth. I mean, it's not like we're not big fans of the Fallout series and all that comes with it. Seriously. We played all the games, even Brotherhood of Steel. Which was a good and extreme game, despite its so-called 'flaws'. We're taking all of the games, making them better and turning them into Fallout 3. I'll be honest, guys: we're seriously going to make a game better than the entire Fallout series combined. Seriously. I'm so serious I'm the patron saint of seriously, seriously.
When you guys insult us like that on your message boards and your No Mutant Allowedeseseses, it really hurts our feelings. And, guys, I don't think you want to be held responsible for making any members of Bethesda cry. Seriously. It hurts everyone's feelings and I think your feelings might be hurt too if we respond back by calling you all a bunch of malcontent bullies who like seeing grown men cry for their own benefit. Guys. You don't want to have that on your conscience. So just, like, stop the criticism, guys. Seriously. It doesn't do us any good, guys. We don't want to hear how our game is going to be 'bad', guys. That's just depressing. It depresses us, guys. Seriously. Then we're so depressed we don't make the game. That doesn't help anyone, guys. Guys. Guys. Seriously. Come on. Stop hurting Bethesda. I'm sorry, I have something in my eye...
Just stop questioning us and our decisions and we'll thank you by making what is in our opinion the best Fallout game ever. Guys. Come on. Guys. Everything's going to be fine. Just don't worry and don't criticize. Everything's going to be fine. Seriously. You have the Todd Howard guarantee, seriously. If Fallout 3 isn't great, I'll send all of you a pair of my cut-offs. I might still do that if you do like Fallout 3. I know where you live.