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Bomberman: Act Zero Review
by Deathkill-360
It's extreme TO THE EXTREME!
FUCK YEAH BOMBERMAN NEEDED TO BE MORE LIKE HALO!
Bomberman is a popular franchise beloved by all...ALL BEING PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SUCK DICK FOR A LIVING! YEAH, THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT YOU GODDAMNED FAGGOTS WHO DON'T SKATEBOARD ON GIANT RAZORBLADES THAT ARE COATED WITH THE POISON OF THE BRAZILIAN DEATHSPIDER! I'VE ALWAYS COMPLAINED ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHITTY ACTION-PUZZLERS LIKE FAGGERMAN DON'T HAVE ENOUGH KILLING (I MEAN KILLING WITH GIANT BLOODY FIREBALLS, NONE OF THAT FAGGY KNOCKED OVER BY A BOMB SHIT!). WELL, NOW THEY DO! THANKS TO BOMBERMAN: ACT ZERO, I CAN FINALLY PLAY A GAME WITH NONE OF THAT FAGGY SHIT THAT MADE BOMBERMAN SUCK (FUN, CREATIVE COMBAT) AND ALL OF THE THINGS THAT MADE BOMBERMAN GREAT (BOMBS AND EXPLOSIONS)! YEAH, IF YOU PREFER THE GAY VERSION TO THIS ONE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL PRICK YOURSELF WITH AIDS AND GET IT OVER WITH!
YEAH, THERE WERE BOMBERMAN GAMES FOR A WHILE, BACK ON THAT FAGGOTY NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM (NOT ENOUGH GAMES WITH ANTI-ALIASING AND BLOOD GEYSERS THAT SPEW MOUNTAIN DEW!) AND EVEN ON THAT FAGCUBE (STILL NOT ENOUGH BLOOD GEYSERS THAT SPEW MOUNTAIN DEW!). BUT ONLY THE EXTREME FUCKING POWER OF THE XBOX360 COULD EVER HOPE TO HANDLE THE BALLS-TO-THE-WALLS ACTION OF BOMBERMAN: ACT ZERO, BECAUSE ONLY THE XBOX360 HAS THE EXTREME POWER OF XBOX FUCKING LIVE TO PLAY THIS GAME WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND PAY MONEY FOR THE RIGHT TO DO SO (PAYING MONEY FOR THINGS IS TOTALLY AWESOME BITCHES)! WHAT, DO YOU WANT FREE MULTIPLAYER? HOW ABOUT THIS...FUCK YOU!
EVEN THOUGH PREVIOUS FAGGERMAN GAMES DID THINGS LIKE MOVE THE ACTION TO THREE DIMENSIONS, MAKE LEVELS THAT FORCED YOU TO DESIGN STRATEGIES AND EMPLOY ZANY POWERUPS, THAT SHIT IS TOTALLY FUCKING GONE NOW (BECAUSE THAT STUPID SHIT IS TOTALLY FUCKING GAY!). NOW INSTEAD OF THAT BULLSHIT, YOU GET TO PLAY AS AN EXTREME ROBOT GLADIATOR WHO USES BOMBS TO TOTALLY BLOW HIS ENEMIES INTO FUCKING BITS. IT'S LIKE BEING A TERRORIST ONLY YOU'RE NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING AMERICAN SO IT'S LIKE GOING TO WAR AND BLASTING THOSE FUCKING SANDNIGGERS BACK TO THE STONE AGE WITH THE VERY RAGHEAD TOOLS THEY USE TO KILL AMERICAN TROOPS (WHICH ISN'T COOL FOR THEM TO DO IT, BUT FOR YOU IT'S FUCKING AWESOME)! ONLY THE XBOX360 COULD HANDLE EXTREME FUCKING ACTION LIKE THIS SO DON'T GIVE ME ANY BULLSHIT ABOUT THE GAMEPLAY BEING AKIN TO THE FIRST FAGGERMAN GAME, BECAUSE THIS BOMBERMAN GAME HAS SOMETHING SO FUCKING EXTREME AND AWESOME THAT NINTENDO TURNED FAGGOT WHEN IT SAW IT (IT'S NOW DOUBLE FAGGOT, SO IT TAKES IT BOTH WAYS...GAYLY).
AWESOME!
THAT EXTREME NEW THING IS THE FIRST PERSON BOMBER MODE WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, A FUCKING FIRST PERSON MODE THAT'S TOTALLY FUCKING AMAZING! THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES GAMES EVEN FUCKING BETTER THAN BEING EXTREME IS BEING EXTREME FROM A FUCKING FIRST PERSON PERSPECTIVE! I DON'T NEED TO BE AWARE OF THE OTHER PLAYERS IN THE FUCKING ARENA, WHAT I NEED IS TO SEE THE FUCKING FAGGOT THAT I'M BLOWING UP IN THE FACE SO THAT I CAN T-BAG THEIR CORPSES AND SHIT ON THEIR GRAVES, AND CALL THEM A NIGGER IF I'M ON XBOX LIVE, BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME, THEN YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT WHO LIKES HAVING SEX WITH MEN IN THE ASS IN RANDOM TRUCK STOP BATHROOMS!
THIS GAME IS SO FUCKING AWESOME THAT I DON'T EVEN NEED TO DEFEND IT AGAINST THE CRITICISMS OF PEOPLE SAYING THAT IT'S TERRIBLE (THOSE CRITICS ARE FAGGOTS ANYWAY. YOU EVER NOTICE HOW CRITIC AND FAGGOT ARE BASICALLY THE SAME WORD EXCEPT FOR PRONUNCIATION AND SPELLING? I DID!)! THIS GAME IS SO FUCKING AWESOME, WE SHOULD MAKE IT OUR FUCKING PRESIDENT! IT'D BE ALL FUCKING AMAZING SINCE OUR FOREIGN POLICY WOULD BE NOTHING BUT TAKING CHAINSAWS TO ALL THOSE FUCKING NIGGERS IN THE AFRICAS AND CURBSTOMPING ALL THOSE FAGGOTY BITCHES IN CHINA AND INDIA. THEN WE'D TOTALLY BLOW UP THAT FAGGOT-ASS PLANET EARTH YOU ALWAYS HEAR THE DAMN HIPPIES BITCHING ABOUT, THAT'LL SHOW THEM, THAT'LL SHOW THEM ALL!
AS A MATTER OF FUCKING FACT, WE SHOULD MAKE THIS GAME GOD BECAUSE THIS NEW BOMBERMAN IS SO FUCKING EXTREME AND AWESOME THAT HE'D TOTALLY BE ABLE TO KICK GOD'S ASS. WHAT DID GOD EVER DO TO PEOPLE? TURN THEM INTO SALT? GAY, PLAGUES? RETARDED, KNOCKING DOWN THE WALLS OF JERICHO? TOTALLY FUCKING GAY. NOW EXPLODING PEOPLE WITH BOMBS THAT TAKE THREE SECONDS TO EXPLODE? THOSE ARE TOTALLY FUCKING AMAZING WITH NO POSSIBLE DOWNSIDES TO THEM WHATSO-FUCKING-EVER! IF YOU DISAGREE, GO GAY YOURSELF! MICROSOFT DOESN'T TOLERATE DISSENT OR WHATEVER FAGGY THING YOU HIPPIES CALL IT!
ANOTHER REASON IT'S AWESOME: BOMBERMAN: ACT ZERO IS EVEN CAPABLE OF MAKING JAPANESE LOOK NOT GAY
ADD TO ALL OF THIS THE FUCKING AMAZING FACT THAT YOU CAN PLAY THIS GAME AGAINST TOTAL FUCKING STRANGERS OVER XBOX LIVE AND YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF THE GREATEST FUCKING GAME SINCE GEARS OF WAR/HALO 3! I MEAN, NOTHING AT ALL IS BETTER THAN PROVING THAT I CAN KICK SOME 12 YEAR OLD'S ASS AT BOMBERMAN AND CALL HIM A FAGGOT WHILE DOING SO! IF HE COMMITS SUICIDE BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY IS A CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL, ALL THE FUCKING BETTER! I ALSO DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF I HAVE TO PAY LOTS OF MONEY (DEATHKILL-360 ONLY GETS $100 BUCKS A WEEK FOR BOOZE AND COCAINE MONEY) JUST TO PLAY THE 2 OR 3 GAMES THAT ARE ACTUALLY WORTH PLAYING ONLINE (THAT'S FAGGOT TALK ANYWAY, ALL GAMES SHOULD BE PLAYED ONLINE AGAINST TOTAL STRANGERS) BECAUSE ONLY FAGGOTS COMPLAIN ABOUT WASTING MONEY! EXTREME PEOPLE THROW IT AROUND LIKE IT'S CHICLETS! OR MAYBE THAT'S NIGGERS. WHO CARES, THE POINT IS PLAY XBOX LIVE OR YOUR MEMBERSHIP TO THE HETEROSEXUALITY CLUB IS REVOKED!
TO CONCLUDE, THIS TOTALLY EXTREME AND NOT-GAY REVIEW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT THIS GAME IS TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME AND WORTH PAYING DOUBLE THE COST TO GET YOUR HANDS ON IT! IF YOU DON'T SPEND THAT MONEY ON IT, THEN GAY RAPISTS WILL BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE AND RAPE YOU THROUGH YOUR EYE SOCKETS AND MOUTH HOLES TILL YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS ARE CLOGGED WITH SEMEN AND YOUR HEART EXPLODES FROM HAVING TOO MUCH GAY SPERM FLOATING AROUND IN THERE PUTTING DOWN TEA COZIES AND LAUGHING AT SEX AND THE CITY! TRUST ME, WITHOUT THE PROTECTION OF A BONAFIDE AWESOME XBOX360 GAME, NINTENDO FAGGOTS WILL GET THEIR PERVERT PEDOPHILE HANDS ON YOU!
How many needles of black tar heroin to make this game good?: TOTALLY FUCKING TEN MILLION AND NINETY FUCKING
What made up George W. Bush word would best describe this game?: IWISHBOMBERMANWASPRESIDENTISNTEADOFME!
Most uncomfortable moment: WHEN YOU ENCOUNTER FAGGOTS WHO PREFER
FAGGERMAN TO ACT ZERO AWESOME EXTREME