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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
by Masahiro Sakurai
I am very, very sorry for all of your disappointings in regards to video game I produced and directed, Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I ask for forgivaness, please-uh. When I was making the game, I tried hardest to ensure there were no complaints to be could be made by fans of Super Smash Bros. Melee. But according to Internet, I have failed and have committed great dishonor which should deserve me an exile or a suicide without honor. While my family has not yet become one of the unmentionable elements of Japanese society, I feel great pain and guilt in my heart for dashing your expectations for video game about anthropomorphic pilot fox and fireball throwing plumber fighting. I am not deserving of second chance; however, I ask again, for forgiveaness, please-uh.
Super Smash Bros. Brawl went through very tumultuous production period, where many things added and subtracted during process. Sonic added last minute and that is why all moves are same and his input in storyline for single player is minimal. Minimal like the blue lotus on a dark autumn night. Oh, sorry, again. I thought I writing introduction for book Chicken Soup for the Japanese Soul: Metaphor Edition. Great dishonor. Sonic was thought to be present to fans and I am sorry if you did not appreciate present. I included gift receipt in Sonic unlock so perhaps you can trade him in for Pac-Man or Doctor Mario. I hope that help make amends for grievous error of inclusion of Sonic Hedgehog in playable roster. If you do not like Solid Snake either I ask for forgiveness again. We do not think things through in Land of the Rising Sun. On behalf of all of Japan I apologize for our Japanese ways.
The lack of other characters you greatly wished for is another error in judgment made by yours truly. I was of the belief characters such as Ridley would not work due to their massive size. I realize now that this was incorrect, we could have easily fit the space reptile Ridley into the playable character list and making him a boss but not playable was just adding insult to injury for you fans. King K. Rool and Krystal and other desired characters not appearing compounded matters for you I am sure. We may have concentrated too much on Japanese only characters such as Ike and Lucas when we should have focused on American gamers even though our main target audience is the Japanese. But the Japanese are not as important as you American gamers in the long run. You are the most important. We should do more to cater to you. We will try as hard as possible to secure Master Chief into subsequent Super Smash Bros. game. We promise.
We expected for you to love the Subspace Emissary single player mode, but according to reviews you apparently did not approve of it and instead found it very dishonorable to your expectations of what a single player mode should be. For that I am sorry. Very, very sorry. We tried to improve, make longer the single player with story and many characters and enemies. Hope you liked it but if you did not you deserve an apology from me. Maybe we should have put more time into the mode and put in fewer repetitive enemies and simplistic, monotonous platforming. We will try to improve for later game if you want to play a sequel. It is okay if you do not want to pay sequel, or if you want us to give you money to get you to play sequel. It is natural considering your grave disappointment with the title in how it did live up to your expectations. We in Japan are very sorry. Not just Nintendo. All of Japan. We are right now on our hands and knees begging for you to forgive us, as is customary in our culture. If you do not forgive, we will be forced to commit seppuku.
I would also like to apologize for online mode of game. We did not anticipate children across the world would want to play online mode and so we did not put as much work into it as we should have. This mistake Nintendo and I am paying dearly for. We do not have solution for allaying this problem except perhaps sending apology to all of your homes through Wii system and adding new servers to online mode as fast as possible. How can we make it up to you? I could come to all of your houses to grovel but that would waste some of your very valuable time. I think we will instead add servers even if it must come out of our own pockets or if I need to have my hands cut off in order to pay the money necessary for the servers. Anything less is not honorable.
The graphics could have used some more fine-tuning as well. I am admitting at that. Brawl does in fact look a lot like Melee and the Wii capabilities certainly could have improved the graphics much more. It is also the fault of the Wii itself, for which us at Nintendo deserve the blame. We could have made the designs sharper and more different from the last generation's designs, making things more realistic instead of using the same models for many of the old trophies and Pokemon. Our expectation was that you gamers would not notice or not care the designs were not completely new and up to date with standards set by Microsoft Xbox 360. This was yet another error on our part and I cannot apologize enough to the loyal Nintendo fanbase for this.
If we do make a next game, our process for creating new game will be very notably different from how everything was made in this game. I could very much see why you not want us to make new game, for we have greatly, greatly failed you. But if we do make fourth game, we will solicit your opinion instead of caving in to our own ideas of what we think will work. That is not sensible position as shown by poor reaction to Super Smash Bros. Brawl and bad sales. We have realized what a folly it is to rely on our own experience and expert knowledge on how to make video games. Instead it is better to ask people who have never programmed a video game in their lives. What they lack in knowledge they make up for with great suggestions like putting Geno in the game even though we at Nintendo do not have the rights for using Geno in the game. You are the true video game designer geniuses, fans of series! You are.
So in summary I apologize on behalf of everyone for lackluster quality of Super Smash Bros. Brawl from character choice to online mode. But I will not aporogize for Kirby's Air Ride. It was and is an unparalleled accomplishment of genius and fuck you if you feel different. And I do not seek forgiveaness for using the phrase 'fuck you' either. You people had not the intelligence to accept Kirby's Air Ride.