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Mario Kart Wii Anti-Review
by the Sad Clown, Vladimir Cole, Mr. Competitive, Masahiro Sakurai, Mark Foley, Roger Ebert, the Yellow Claw and Barack Obama
THAT LOOKS GAY
Remember the Anti-Review for Super Smash Bros. Brawl? This is pretty much the same thing, only with a few more/different sections and a slightly different creative team. Since the me/Sophie review of the new Mario Kart was so very glowing, the Daily Raider quest for fairness and editorial balance dictates we also publish a counter-view of the title. So here's the more critical take on the game. Not skewed at all. Totally. Most of the writing staff comes from the previous anti-review, but you'll see there's some new writers to the list, including some who've never written for the site before, such as Roger Ebert and Mr. Competitive. Notably absent is Reverse-Nerdlinger. For all their differences, he and his positive universe doppelganger have one thing in common - incredible laziness.
Hey look, it's Adolf Hitler holding the Wii wheel!
THE WII WHEEL
What the hell is this? I PAID $0 FOR THIS WHEEL? WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT? WHY DID I GET A PLASTIC SHELL TO PUT MY WII REMOTE IN FOR FREE. I am feeling really ripped off here and don't think I won't start an Internet petition complaining about the lack of validity of the product I received. Nintendo shouldn't have put this with Mario Kart Wii; they should not have fascististically forced the product down our throats. Of course, Nintendo, being the monsters that they are, literally made us own this. That's why when I play this literal joke of a game, I use the GameCube controller. Those fascists at Nintendo can't force me to use the fucking Wii crap! You hear that, Miyamoto? YOU CAN'T FORCE ME! The Wii Wheel is overall terrible because it's not fun to use and doesn't add much to the experience. It changes too little. It should change just enough! WhatEVER. I'm going to go cry in my dorm room. Cry about the INJUSTICES of Mario Kart Wii.
This will collapse your evil empire, United States of America.
SINGLE PLAYER
You mere American capitalists do not understand Mario Kart Wii, for your minds are incapable of grasping such an intricate plot against your capitalistic and technological ways. Mario and his friends drive around in karts, in grand prixs no less, because they are showing the alternative to your noxious method of global hegemony. Mario does not care if you do not want him to wear a Fu Manchu; he, like myself, will wear it anyway. Mario Kart Wii may be a shoddy product, but it is shoddy by intention. It is to show you the dangers of incursions into the Orient. Releasing a bad video game is just among the mildest of our plans. You see, there is a better version out in Japan, without all the extraneous baby characters or the WiFi Connection restrictions or the restriction on the battle mode. How do you now like being treated as a dumping ground for second-rate foreign material, United States? Now you should know how the Orient feels about your evil!
Then let me speak of the addition of motorcycles, or 'bikes'. Yes, the motorcycles are a dig at you and your love of motorcycling and how Japan intends to use this game to encourage motorcycling amongst American youngsters. Motorcycling is dangerous and has already claimed the life of your favorite son, America, James Dean. (We of China only made it look like he died in a car accident. Ha ha ha ha, America.) What will happen to your supposedly successful nation if more beloved actors or children die in accidents? Yes. Mario Kart Wii is designed to kill you, filthy Americans. And there is nothing you or James Woo can do to stop it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I would continue on, but there is a certain pesky American superteam that I must dispose of. Goodbye, Agents of Atlas! Not even Parker can save you now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [strokes Fu Manchu with incredibly long fingernails]
Great Dishonorable, yes.
CHARACTERS
Like Super Smash Bros. Brawl, we of Nintendo make many big time mistakes in creating roster for video game Mario Kart Wii. Very sorry, apology necessary, very sorry, please, foregiveaness. We did not give you enough unique characters, we instead give you lots of Mario characters and baby versions of Mario characters. It is Melee clone debacle all over again! The very opposite of the term 'hooray' or 'huzzah'. We at Nintendo have little explanation as to why we chose baby characters instead of ones you wished to see, like King K. Rool, Ridley and Dark Samus. And of course Samurai Goroh. There was no time in development process; time was lost to the valley of fire and water. So the traditional playable characters and alternate versions were put in as a time cutting measure. But Funky Kong I am unable to explain. I have no idea why Nintendo would put Funky Kong of all people in, except perhaps to tie into your American presidential election, of which I am told one of your cannondates is very much similar to Funky Kong in look and appeal. Disappointing regardless, yes. Very sorry. Forgiveaness, pleaseuh.
Mushrooms unbalance everything!!!!!
MULTIPLAYER
This is Mr. Competitive here competing against some fucking FAG and a retarded movie-rating GIMP to review a game in a series that was once well known for being competitive! The problem with Mario Kart Wii is that despite being heavily based on the recent Mario Kart DS, it is in no way near as COMPETITIVE as that game! For one, they removed the tactic known as Snaking which is essentially powerdrifting side to side on straightaways to achieve an insurmountable lead thanks to the bonus boost! THAT WAS A TOTALLY legitimate maneuver! Otherwise. it wouldn't be in the game at all, in spite of the fact that it's incredibly difficult to pull off and was only discovered thanks to me utilizing it at the MARIO KART DS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP (set in a little place named Japan, you might have heard of it. That is if you're as good as I am!). Also, what the hell is up with all of these fucking items? Seriously Nintendo, they were cute 10 years ago, but we gamers have evolved beyond things that are cute. I want a racing game that is all about the mechanics of the actual racing and not worrying about some faggot who can't powerslide like I can catching up thanks to something that was integrated into the game to keep things unpredictable! THE WORLD DOES NOT WANT UNPREDICTABLE THINGS. We want things to be incredibly formulaic so that we can calculate everything before hand and reach insurmountable leads as a result! That's what keeps things competitive and competition is the root of fun, even though fun is gay and should be replaced with online leaderboards so that I can prove to EVERYONE that I have indeed beaten Rainbow Road in only 38 seconds!
I wish I was an avatar. Avatars are capable of movement...
ONLINE
Although I do not typically care for video games, Mario Kart Wii offers a promising gameplay experience for even the most hardened anti-video game movie critic who is now a vegetable man. Especially in regard to the online mode, which I find just delightful when my wife presses the buttons for me so I can get off the title screen of Mario Kart Wii. You can play regional, worldwide or with friends in both races and in battles. Since I have no friends, the other two options are great for me. And it is not as though I am able to race, or drive, or walk, in real life, so the game fills a void in my life left by horrible health complications. The game is very easy to play, and even includes a wheel with which to more simulate the feeling of driving. My puppeteer, who moves my arms for me, finds the wheel very easy to use.
Criticisms reviewers typically note, like the lack of voice chat, do not bother me, for as of now I am unable to use my voice. My only real complaint about the online mode and the game as a whole is the difficulty in finding fellow racers. I mean, I may be unable to move, but that does not mean I have all the time in the world to wait around for other racers to participate in a race. Oh, and also the controller heavily discriminates against people who cannot move their hands. Or legs. Or any of their other muscles. I would continue to write more, but I have been unable to drink this cup of water for 2 days and I think I am dying. Help me...help...me....
Oh fuck YES.
PEDOPHILIA
This game is pedophile friendly, but not pedophile friendly enough. Let me first point out the positives of Mario Kart Wii before diving into the negatives. (I wish I had a pool of boy semen to dive into.) There are several playable (and playwithable) characters friendly to pedophilia, such as Baby Mario, Baby Luigi, Baby Peach and Baby Daisy. This means that, yes, pedophiles of both genders and of all sexual orientations will be satisfied. Now, the downside. I don't know about you, but I prefer my younguns to be a little more developed than babies. Not too developed, but developed somewhat. Like 13-14, not 1-2. Therefore, Mario Kart Wii does not provide a lot of options for ephebophiles such as myself. The closest there is to a teen boy or near-teen boy is Diddy Kong, and I'm not into a lot of hair. Heck, I don't even care for pubic hair, much less incredible amounts of facial and body hair. There's a reason I'm into young boys, you know. So overall, I'd say it's a bonus for pedophiles, but you shouldn't buy Mario Kart Wii solely for the kid-friendly content. I mean, you can't even race with kids because of the friend code bullshit.
The Audacity of Hoping to unlock Funky Kong.
BLACKNESS
Much like Super Smash Bros. Brawl which preceded it, Mario Kart Wii is part of our continued national dialogue on race, even though the game was created and programmed in Japan. The black playable racers are Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong and Funky Kong. I do not, unlike some, find them to be racial stereotypes by any stretch of the imagination. Unless you are under the assumption being cool, friendly and helpful are somehow terrible qualities to ascribe to African-Americans. I do not believe that to be the case, as you can see in my book The Audacity of Hope, a book all of you should read and most importantly purchase as soon as possible. I believe Mario Kart Wii, a racing game, will mend racial bridges and lead to a united America that is united for change and hope and getting me elected. The game shows you can race and win no matter if you're white or black or a skeleton. My friend code is VOTE FOR ME, by the way, if you want to race me online.
All else equal, gamers shouldn't want anything as gay as the Wii either.
THE WII SUCKS
Although I, Vladimir Cole, am presently an unemployed bum of a man, that does not mean I cannot still criticize the Wii for its obvious faults, or as they say in Latin, obvious mendum. The system costs less than the Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3, which therefore means it is of inferior quality. Obviously. Ipso facto. Secondly, the graphics for Mario Kart Wii are just childish and not at all on par with Crysis or Mass Effect or even that graphically unimpressive game Bioshock. Every fabric of Mario's clothing is not immediately visible at every angle? What is this bullshit. I expect post-human graphics from Nintendo. Yes, post-human. The game should look better than the real world. Also, the kiddy items and the soundtrack and the baby characters make me feel embarrassed when I am playing Mario Kart Wii. I look like a fool in front of my dinner party guests when I am using a fake wheel to drive and dodge red shells that are careening towards me. Nintendo should have made it more realistic, less gimmicky (that it's even an option to use the Wii remote fills me with fury) and they should've created an entirely new, $2000 console system to play it on. Since none of those specifications were met, I was strongly disappointed.
BUT I DON'T WANNA PLAY AS A MII
CONCLUSION
Mario Kart Wii sucks because it changes too much and it doesn't change enough. Simultaneously. Any questions?
How many needles of black tar heroin to make this game good?: 0, it
can never be good.
What made up George W. Bush word would best describe this game?: whee.......l
Most uncomfortable moment: The whole fucking gay ass retarded thing.