Best viewed in 1280x1024
The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
YouTube Fuckhead of the Week
Week 252: Politichicks: Zo and Whittle's Excellent Adventure
Politichicks is, as we all should know now, a weird thing. Victoria Jackson, like her 90s SNL contemporaries that didn't latch onto Adam Sandler, should've been found in 2004 as a bloated corpse in the Hudson River. While she definitely resembles a bloated corpse, fate and a cosmic event apparently had different plans for her. She pulled a Dennis Miller and went from borderline crazy to absolutely fucking crazy, providing Big Hollywood with posts that actually brought down the level of discourse, if you can believe that. I have no idea how or why Victoria Jackson exists, but nonetheless, she's gone from being seriously bad at comedy to being comically bad at being serious. Politichicks is her coup de grace, the web show that purports to be a conservative version of The View, if the The View wasn't on television, didn't attract an audience, didn't have a reason for existing and was a screeching display of the false notion that the conservatives need their own version of everything. The conservative The Daily Show, the conservative Real Time with Bill Maher, the conservative anything else people actually like. It never works, is always embarrassing and, occasionally, becomes a hilarious trainwreck like Politichicks. This episode features friends of the site AlfonZo Rachel and William "Bill" Whittle. I'm so excited!
I want to warn you before you play the video: it does begin with a closeup on Victoria Jackson, a person who somehow looks worse every single time I look at her. I suggest those prone to panic attacks have their Xanax at their disposal, and those of a surly disposition to fill a glass with some Kentucky bourbon. The topic of the 25th episode (25? Jesus!) is coolness, and can conservatism also be cool. The answer is no, of course, but the Politichicks (Victoria Jackson, black girl and white girl) and the Politidudes disagree with me, because they're fucking idiots on a show that resembles Check It Out with Steve Brule if it took place on a world where the Nazis won World War II. Jackson certainly fits the mold of Brule; she alternates between awkwardness and not seeming to realize they're filming, and unrestrained, childish enthusiasm. Like, she claims Zo's videos on PJTV are seen by millions of people. No they're not! Millions of people do not watch PJTV. If they did, the PJTV studios wouldn't still operate out of Whittle's mom's house. (Mrs. Whittle: "William, what are you and Stephen doing?" Bill: "Putting on a show for the Internet, mom!" Mrs. Whittle: "Don't tell your father!" Bill: "Mom, dad killed himself to avoid the draft decades ago!") Whittle makes the first cogent point about coolness vis-à-vis conservatism, saying it's not cool to be Captain Bringdown about everything, like "freedom isn't free" and "taxes are high". When I used to smoke pot that was a major buzzkill. But, on the other hand, conservatives like fast cars, hot women, guns, explosions, and aren't "weenies" that drive fuel efficient cars. Citing P.J. O'Rourke, he goes on to say conservatism is about freedom, which is fun stuff. You know, Whittle being influenced by that fucking lizard that fucked up the Lampoon explains a lot. I only hope Whittle too becomes a demented alcoholic in a few years.
If that inanity wasn't bad enough, a third of the way through Jackson introduces a music video! of the rap song that swept CPAC, "Mr. America". If you thought that Steve Crowder and Dana Loesch's creep husband could do better when given hours, days to compile a video as opposed to performing extemporaneously in front of geezers a few missed government checks away from grim death, you're fucking idiotic. It has the production values of every other conservative music video I've seen before, which is to say no production values; I'm sure on the blooper reel a cop car told them to fucking get out of the abandoned building district. It's pretty disturbing that conservatism's most recent iconography comes from the Revolutionary War. Well, they could use the Confederacy, but fucking liberals and blacks would get all upset. Fucking political correctness... Anyway, they look like fucking idiots, but Victoria Jackson assures us they're cool, she even got a tattoo like Dana Loesch has. Some fucking Bible verse that probably references Obama's assassination, whatever. Well, you know, I'll take someone who appeared in the classic comedy Casual Sex's word for it.
Victoria Jackson looks like one of those clown heads you fill with water at the carnival.
It's definitely a Videodrome-esque situation when multiple women refer to Bill Whittle as "sexy". It wouldn't have been out of place for a gun to protrude from my laptop screen. Sometimes the non-Victoria Jacksons get to pose questions, like why did Obama get the youth vote, and why do young people like Ron Paul. About six minutes in I'm pretty frightened because Zo, of everyone on the "set", makes the most sense, arguing Ron Paul appeals to college students because he's pro-legalization of marijuana and anti-foreign conflict. Thankfully, Whittle torpedoes the rationality that started creeping into Politichicks by comparing Obama in 2008 to Britney Spears in 1996. First of all, wow, timely reference there, Bill. Been watching those Celebrity Deathmatch tapes again? Also, in 1996 Britney Spears wasn't a rising star; her first song didn't come out until 1998. Most importantly, comparing Barack Obama and Britney Spears is fucking retarded. Especially because he extrapolates the comparison to point out that when Britney declined, people treated her poorly, which he thinks Obama's experiencing too now. Ah, yes, I recall when Obama married Kevin Federline, suffered a nervous breakdown, shaved her head, developed several addictions and lost custody of Sasha and Malia to Kevin Federline. Actually, that'd be pretty hilarious, much more entertaining than this shit. I feel ripped off even though this video is free.
Ron Paul is popular with kids because he doesn't pander to them, unlike Obama, who wears a backwards cap and lays down fat beats. Seriously, Whittle utters the phrase "fat beats" multiple times, as though his concept of cool...well, yeah, it being stuck in the late 1990s makes sense. Except...didn't they say Ron Paul was pandering with his pro-pot, anti-war stances? Fuck if I know anymore. Politichicks is like being exposed to nerve gas: things become really fucking hazy until you die, unless you're Jack Bauer. At one point Victoria Jackson says her architect brother told her that artists don't call themselves artists, which isn't true at all, but fuck it, he's an architect, like Albert Speer, he knows what he's talking about! The episode wraps up with Whittle spouting perhaps the only truthful statement he's ever made: "it sucks to be a conservative". Of course it does! You have to be a sexually frustrated weirdo that hates everything about America besides symbols and shit from over 200 years ago. There's a reason he brings up Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill: they're figures from different time periods that are not applicable to today. Goddamnit, everyone knows healthcare can't be free, but it can be universal by pumping taxpayer dollars into the healthcare system! That's what socialized medicine is! Ugh.
Thankfully, absurdity prevails in the last 20 seconds, when this happens:
Real TV show or stealth Season 6 of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!? I don't know.
Yes, a puffy white woman is trying to dress up a black man as though he were her dog. Bill Whittle looks on, smirking. If that's not the perfect summation of the conservative movement, I don't know what is. Anyway, Politichicks destroyed more of my brain cells than four years of alcoholism has, a world in which Bill Whittle and Zo are voices of relative reason is one I don't want to live in, and if I don't wrap this up now I'll probably kill myself. Good night and hau ruck.