Best viewed in 1280x1024
The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
Space Chimps Review
by Doom
Goddamnit.
I'm surprised they blew their lay up "go bananas" pseudo-joke on the promotional poster.
The formula for making a CGI film is simple: take a concept beloved by children - animals, robots, superheroes - and then put that concept against a contradictory concept, like putting sharks in a mafia syndicate or making a rat love to cook. Throw in some jokes which'll fly over the kids' heads and into the adults'. Some use this formula for good, but the vast majority plot nefarious evil with it. Vanguard Animation, who previously did disappointing failure Valiant, tries to capitalize on the space age success of Wall-E with Space Chimps, another film about space and space exploration type things. But it's only a facile comparison; the two differ greatly. For example, Wall-E did not cause me to decapitate someone while on a Canadian bus. Space Chimps, on the other hand, well...
Space Chimps is about Andy Samberg as the descendent of a beloved icon who is overconfident about his abilities and fucks up routine stunts in a supposedly hilarious way. Does this sound like Hot Rod? That's because it essentially is Hot Rod, except make everyone literal simians instead of intellectual simians. Oh, and he's a cynical slacker in this one who must take on responsibility and his legacy, so I suppose for such a limited actor that is a huge acting stretch. Someday Andy Samberg will be sucking someone's dick and he'll be called "David Spade" by mistake. When a probe disappears into a wormhole, NASA calls on chimps Cheryl Hines (fuck that bitch she left Larry for poor reasons), Patrick Warburton and Andy Samberg to go investigate. For some reason these chimps know how to operate shuttles. I don't...I don't. Unbeknownst to NASA, the probe landed on an alien planet, where gay grumpy old man Jeff Bridges uses its technology to become the shitty little planet's dictator. The aliens look like homosexual Spyro characters. What the fuck. Just...what the fuck.
The movie never really goes anywhere, and in terms of literal plot development there's not much. The chimps inevitably reach the alien planet and become reluctant heroes to a subhuman race of child-like Others who are in need of rescuing from themselves. If this production wasn't so fucking incompetent I'd claim some motive was at work in the thrust of the action. Ascribing motive implies an intellect capable of motive beyond optimistic "money money money, money" exists in Space Chimps. It doesn't. I watched all 81 punishing minutes so I fucking know. Derivative sequences occur, villains are defeated, annoying sidekicks are found, a senator almost shuts down NASA, romance occurs inexplicably and no one lives happily ever after because they've fucking seen Space Chimps. I'd rather have all the reels of Kung Fu Panda forcefed into my ass than watch this retarded bullshit once more. I took screenshots by closing my eyes and pressing Print Screen at random intervals.
John Bobbitt's private area is more appealing a visage.
With shitty animation which apparently bases chimp faces on the anuses of the stars (Patrick Warburton has a bulgy sphincter, I guess), it's clear this had a budget of about $82 which ran out three weeks into production. Someone just HAD to go to Wong's Wok every night and charge it to the company account. The animation takes obvious shortcuts, such as modeling the alien planet on a poorly rendered amalgam of Skittles commercials and old master tape footage of the Teletubbies. This is the first production housed at Vanguard's new Canadian branch, making it fitting I watched this during my trip home from Canada. A little reminder of why Canada is not to be considered some societal manna from heaven. It motherfucking worked. Now I want to kill everyone in British Columbia, especially the Vietnamese immigrants coerced into fun time super happy CGI animation work by resurfaced ex-Vietcong members. John "Songbird" McCain's torture has nothing on this. We'd all capitulate like Songbird if forced to watch Space Chimps even only one fucking time. I was ready to admit to my myriad crimes within the first 20 minutes. "Yeah, I stole that shit, just TURN IT OFF!"
Although I doubt this film actually appeals to actual children, I think as a precaution we need to euthanize everyone between the ages of 5 and 12 in America. If the genius minds of marketing believe such a product as Space Chimps will apeel (HAHAHAHA PUN) to the children of North America, I don't fucking want them around. They bring us down. They'll extinguish the species in the next 20 years. We'll be fucked if we let the troglodyte tykes survive and spare them the horrific death they all so richly deserve for causing Space Chimps to be made. I'm not saying the adults who created the mess do not retain culpability; I'm getting to them. But the root cause lies with children existing. Kill 'em all. Kill 'em for Speed Racer too, now that I think about it. They contribute nothing except easy sex for losers and the perpetuation of Power Rangers.
LANKY FOREIGN GUY DANCE FUNNY DURING SONG I REMEMBER
The film's idea of 'humor' is bad puns and shitty 'aliens are like us but they aren't' comedy. For example, sage mentor (who is named Houston so they can do the requisite "Houston, we have a problem" 'joke') to Andy Samberg implores him to engage in "no monkey business" when landing after the rocket stunt. Hah! Get it! Monkey! They're monkeys! By definition anything they do is monkey business, for they are monkeys! And instead of an alien saying "crud" when his house is going to get hit by a wayward space probe, he says "crudmar". See! Unnecessary suffixes is what alien culture is all about! Prime Directive? How about PRIMATE DIRECTIVE? Hahahahaha KILL ME. Let us not forget the very important pop culture reference either. The monkey plays "Axel F" instead of reproducing the pattern of numbers! May I remind that that is not funny and it's a pseudo-'joke' stolen from, of all entities, CRAZY FROG. Really? Getting comedy pointers from CRAZY FROG? REALLY?!!?!?!! ARGH MURDER MURDER KILL KILL Seriously, this film is why Jeffrey Dahmer started eating people. He saw the comedy and realized humans were no better than animals and thus worthy of eating. If children find this simplistic shit at all amusing, again, plague of the firstborn time.
The radio is called a Bananaberry. Get it? Banana? Blackberry? Eh?
Noted cowboy hat wearing destructive Jew produces Space Chimps with all the intensity of a foul bowel movement committed in a truckstop restroom. No, it wasn't Kinky Friedman. I'm referring to Barry "Men in Black" Sonnenfield, a prior human who fell prey to the scent of cold hard cash. He'd probably send his own mom to a Jewish concentration camp (also known as Palestinian territory) if it meant he got more green with which to bankroll his huge pool or new yacht. Other Vichy French include a Masters of Horror producer and some asshole who worked on Shrek. Writers are some fuck who bastardized Peter Cottontail (the CGI Peter resembles the Trix rabbit on heroin) and William Westmoreland. Fucker dropped Agent Orange on the Vietnamese and now he's dropping mental Agent Orange (a successful version of Phoenix, if you will) on us. MotherFUCKER.
Voice roles are generally one note and I'm beginning to tire of Patrick Warburton as the requisite dumb lug character in animated movies. It's a testament to how second rate the film is when it cannot procure huge stars like Dreamworks and Pixar can. At best they manage to get fake Larry David's ex-wife, a future comedy washout, Kenan Thompson and Jeff Bridges. Far from the cream of the crop. Nothing in this is cream of the crop, it's just flotsam, disposable in the minds of those who watch it. I know full well everyone subjected to the tripe will have forgotten everything but the broadest strokes within a week or two. That's most fortunate. I think a society besieged by Space Chimps and with more than residual, fading memories of such would be a society driven well past the brink of insanity. A society where this flourished would be downright anarchistic apocalypse.
How many drinks do I need for this to be good?: 1044
Mastur-factor: -5
The Stinger: The Indian NASA nerd is the most racist Indian I've ever
heard since Sealab 2021's Dr. Virjay, and that was intentional at least.
Lesson Learned: It is not a good idea to fictionally glorify the horrible
deaths of chimpanzees who were unaware of what they were doing.