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Vote for Me!
by John McCain
Today, Tuesday, November 7th, 2006, America has the choice to vote for the Party of (the War on) Terror or the Party of Appeasement. Although I am not running for anything as my senatorial term will not end until 2011, it does not hurt to vote for me to create momentum for my inclusion in the 2008 Presidential race, right? You see, the people in Washington other than me have grown complacent and too mired in their own party alliances and petty politics. The White House needs a change. The administration of President Bush should not be reelected and John McCain promises to stand by his promise to not back George W. Bush for a third term in office. Who else could fill the shoes of President Bush but me, John McCain, who served in Vietnam? Remember Vietnam? I do. In fact, the VietCong held me as a prisoner of war for a very long period. Thus, you should vote for me.
Who is John McCain? A very valid question, one asked by many people who wondered the identity of the handsome, strong dark horse candidate for the 2000 Presidential election. John McCain started as a young buck interested in sports, politics, and saving kittens from trees. Then the Vietnam War happened and the courageous John McCain felt the right thing to do was to enlist and serve in the war torn Asian country. Like the pulp hero John Rambo, John McCain fought and won the Vietnam War all by himself, but not before being captured by the VietCong as a POW and extensively tortured. John McCain did not give up. He broke out of the POW camp along with the other POWs and singlehandedly swam back to America in time to uncover the Watergate break-in. After a few years of relative calm, McCain chose to run for the Arizona House of Representatives. He won by a landslide, same with his senatorial election a few years later. Since then, John McCain has been one of the strongest defenders of rich white man values and a noted contributor to such policies as the Syria War Plan, and of course the McCain Detainee Amendment. He ran for President in 2000, unfortunately losing due to George W. Bush's smear campaign. What a foe, George W. Bush is, except when George W. Bush wants John McCain to support something.
If liberals don't think they can vote for me, think again! I am not really a radical Republican in the vein of Bush and all those nuts in the White House, I am a moderate! Not even a moderate, I am a maverick! A guy who does not do as he is told and follows the beat of his own drum except when the Republicans need him to do something which heavily violates his personal beliefs! I certainly don't conform to the mold of a mainstream far-right Republican, no sir. Take a look at my unique political beliefs: belief in the Iraq War as a just war needing a complete annihilation of the enemy, belief in a far-reaching foreign policy which would in turn create a miniature America in the Middle East and other pressing (and profitable) regions of the world, belief in intelligent design as a plausible theory perfect for teaching in schools, belief in the sanctity of life and the terror of abortion, and belief in privatization of everything. My critics say that those political views represent the mainstream opinions of other far-right politicians. If I compare so easily to people like President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, then why did I vote against the far-right 'kill all Arabs' bill and vote for the maverick position of 'kill all suspicious looking Arabs'? Why, if I went to the voting booth in Arizona and the voter screen did not have any party labels on any of the candidates, even I would be hard-pressed to figure out what one applies to me! I'm that against the grain!
Mavericks like me follow the people, not the guys in charge who mavericks want to throw out due to their massive corruption and inability to buck the system. Don't be dissuaded by my 'rich white man who promotes values incredibly similar to those of who sent us into Iraq', it is all a ploy to gain the trust of The Man who wants things done by the book in order to take down the system from the inside out. For example, look at the policies I intend to enact should the people elect me in 2 years. Raise troop levels in Iraq and institute a draft. A real change from Bush’s volunteer army. Tax cuts for the rich, privatization of social security, no substantial global warming plans, According to top market research, the illusion of difference from the widely hated leadership is better than actually being different from the widely hated leadership! If elected, I promise to rail against myself when it is politically safe to do so, and even then only when I buckle if anything substantial happens! The sign of a true maverick who apparently lost his courage somewhere in the jungles of North Vietnam.
Critics accuse of me several egregious charges: flipflopping, pragmatism in place of any true political principles, and overall desiring political victory over anything else. Look, the photo opportunities with Jerry Falwell do look out of place considering my criticism of him several years ago. But can't a man change his mind on some matters, like whether or not he can afford to criticize Jerry Falwell while running for President? There are times where I can afford to be a maverick, like when I don't have to worry about running for anything, and times where I need to destroy all my principles in favor of getting ahead in life. Some people call it opportunism and compromising your beliefs. My philosophy is, if it gets me elected, I'll go through with it, no matter what it may be. Literally fellate Pat Robertson? Sure. Kill abortion doctors and display their severed shrunken heads prominently in my campaign ads? Why not. Serve in Iraq as a ground troop and just to show how well it is going, get captured by the enemy? Of course.
In particular I feel worth addressing is the issue of torture and my tacit support of it despite my terrible experience as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. Some like to draw the parallels between the torture used in Vietnam by the Vietcong and the torture we currently use in Iraq, but it fails as an apt comparison. First of all, the serviceman in Iraq are primarily white, not gookish like the web-footed, gilled, buck toothed Vietnamese 'humans'. Second of all, we're Americans! Surely that should earn trust from the public. Third of all, George W. Bush promised personally to me that he would define torture in very limited and nice terms. Sure, he crossed his fingers while he said he promised, but I prefer to take a man at his word even if he lies and breaks a promise 500 consecutives times before the promise.
What reason is there NOT to vote for me? I would be a wonderful Presidential candidate for the two months before the Republican leadership railroads me in favor of some other candidate who better follows their plan for world domination. At least could you cast a pity vote? Can I borrrrrrrrrrow a vote? Could you send me a jar of your constituency? Purple hearts need some healin', Take my hand with your electronically unverifiable electronic vote of lovvvvvvvvvvvve!
So, in conclusion, vote for me, I'm the best, it is the best poss-Johnny? Johnny? Don't die on me, Johnny! We're gonna get you home, Johnny! Johnny? JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNY!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! YOU GODDAMN GOOKS YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL YOU SLANTY EYED MONSTERS! JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNY!
[goes catatonic]