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Shutter: Another Fucking Jap Horror Remake Review
by Doom and the Jewker
guest starring Rapeman
Haynes Lee alternatitle: Shitter
Entertainment Weekly alternatitle: Shudder
Joshua Jackson is one career move away from being in tranny porn.
It should actually say "ripped off from The Grudge and The Ring".
Well, actually the movie Shutter remakes is Thai, but that doesn't mean much. Japan equals Thailand except the Thai don't just accept pedophilia, they make it mandatory. Especially among expatriates. Anyway, the film follows in the trend to make as many adaptations of Asian horror, which themselves are pile ons of successful Asian horror primarily from Japan. Shutter rips off The Ring and The Grudge and American Shutter rips off Shutter, Japanese Ring and Grudge and American Ring and Grudge, among other things. Confusing? Yes. It's a mobius strip of unoriginality, and if you look into it for long enough you'll go insane. Oh, and it stars Joshua Jackson, strengthening the case for claiming Shutter induces insanity. Joshua Jackson, in a feature film? THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY. He should, you know, be a supporting character on a CW sitcom or even TBS. He should be on My Boys, not the silver screen, goddamnit. Joshua Jackson's inexplicable appearance is not the only thing fucked up about Shutter, though, not by a long shot.
You know you're in a bad film and possibly a Keanu Reeves film when the main actors are only capable of one face and emotion.
Joshua Jackson plays Ben, a jetsetter fashion photographer who
travels to Japan taking photos of fully-clothed Japanese women. Though for a
professional photographer, he does carry an unwieldy amount of disposable
Kodak and Polaroid cameras. Shouldn't a professional photographer use something
a little more expensive? Well, to be fair, I'm sure the production could
actually not afford better cameras, which would also explain the shitty
direction of Shutter. Proving that not only Asian females are terrible
drivers, the plot begins with bootleg Naomi Watts (she looks like Watts only
with smaller breasts and worse acting) running over a mysterious Japanese girl.
By the time they wake up from the car crash, it's winter. As Josh Jackson goes to have sex with his
Japanese assistant goes to work, mysterious white blurs that can be
passed off as sun glares start appearing on his photos. Bootleg Naomi Watts
enters the scene mid-conflict while Jackson's assistant and he argue over the
ruined photos with the "white stains". Infidelity is not merely suggested, it is
implied, mostly because she is Japanese and the endings don't stop at happy.
Also, many Japanese people the characters interact with speak flawless English
because, shit, there'd have to be subtitles or some other arty bullshit if not.
Joshua Jackson already looks like he's 64 years old.
Tertiary supporting characters lead bootleg Watts onto the next plot points. First, a paranormal journalist who fakes photographs for money working for a publication similar to the National Enquirer (ONLY IN JAPANESE ASO ASO ATOMRIC BOMB). He shows her the "real photos" proving the existence of ghosts and she instantly believes him. Bootleg Watts goes back to convince Jackson of the "spirit photos" and suggests that they go see some guy that was advertised in the fake paranormal magazine. He calls her crazy, they argue by not talking to each other and exchanging awkward glances of disapproval, and then reconcile by visiting a Japanese Miss Cleo, who actually looks more like an older and uglier Sean Lennon. He 'does his work' by masturbating onto the spirit photo they gave to him and yelling unsubtitled Japanese. These scenes pretty much occur in every J/K/T/C/A-horror film, since investigating by dumb bitches is a hallmark of the subgenre. You could replace the investigative parts with like investigative parts from The Grudge, The Ring, whatever and it'd still be basically the same.
DAMN YOU, FAKE SETH MACFARLANE! DAMN YOUUUUU!
Once the ghost begins settling into all of Jackon's photos, possibly ruining his puerile, Japanese Maxim lite photography career, she goes on to kill his photographer friends who are only in like 2 scenes before dying. The skinnier Seth McFarlane douche dies by his own camera when the ghost travels into it and takes out his eye. Clearly, cutting off his hand would not suffice for punishing his rape. Meanwhile, across Japan Town, the fat guy (known to douchebags as Pam's boyfriend from The Office) commits suicide because someone stole all of his cream puff donuts. Complications, fake scares, and bad foley sounds of a camera that sounds like a golf cart braking ensue, leading to the climatic scene where Jackson and the ghost have strange tongue sex. Ghost girl slips her tongue down Jackon's throat, giving him a beard made out of dead flies. Like all of these Japanese horror films, the end ghost scene is not really the final ghost scene. Bootleg Watts and Jackson travel to Ghost's home to find her body has decomposed to a skeleton. After all, that is what potassium cyanide sake will do to a person. All is resolved after they put her body to rest in a fiery cremation. Or is it? If you've seen the Ring you'll know a proper burial don't mean shit. Back at home in Americaville, USA, Bootleg Watts finds pictures of Jackson and his two photographer buddies raping ghost girl when she was alive (she was Jackson's girlfriend until she became too clingy and Josh realized Option R must be taken), and this sends Watts off the deep end. Jackson gets fired up, ready to rape her too, but she narrowly escapes. Jackson realizes that Raped Ghost Girl has been on his back all along like a nagging girlfriend and rids himself of her by injecting 1600 watts of voltage from his flash equipment into his next. The last shot is the door to Jackson's psychiatric ward room closing, with the bitch still on his neck. Get ready for Shutter 2, bitches.
That really is what happens when you use cyanide and rot for like a year.
You know you're in for a bad movie when the best male lead they can get left the public's consciousness like a decade ago. Joshua Jackson's character turn is stupid because the audience will already hate him at the start of the movie. He does not become more vile as time goes on; he's always a piece of shit idiot who deserves to die, and not just because he's played by Joshua Jackson. When his newlywed wife fears she killed a woman, all Ben wants to do is take pictures. In fact, I believe an unstated facet of him is he gains sexual gratification from the act of taking pictures, since even on his goddamn honeymoon he wants to snap a few pix. He becomes more and more controlling and authoritative when his wife begins to question the smudges that turn up on all of his photographs. In one outburst he alleges wifey has a daddy complex. I think the biggest indication he's a schmuck is he held on to the rape photos in a secret Batcave room behind a painting. Why the fuck would you. You know, when you've got photos proving your complicity in a rape perpetrated by your friends, you should really, you know, not fucking keep them. All rapists know this. Joshua Jackson is such a retard he can't even rape correctly, and rape's like one of the easiest activities you can do when you're in Japan. It's like riding a fucking tricycle. Ben Joshua Jackson equals failure. He couldn't even electrocute himself to death either. Fucking moron.
Horror rule #34: ghost tongues are made of flies and kissing one will give you a mouth of flies.
Jane played by Rachel Taylor aka Bootleg Naomi Watts (of such quality films as Man-Thing, See No Evil and Transformers) also annoys, making you almost, almost, almost sympathize with Joshua Jackson, a feat never accomplished by anyone else in the history of this shitty universe. In fact, she's so annoying one will wish he raped her instead of Megumi the ghost by the end of it. If anyone needs a good raping to shut them up, it's Jane. I'm not sure if Rachel Taylor sucks as an actress or if she just had nothing in the script to work with, since her character was very one-note, that one note being suggestible and stupid. And she doesn't scream well. This is a very important attribute when inhabiting an underwritten horror movie female role (whose tasks invariably include taking a bath or shower and screaming a lot). I do not see a bright future for Ms. Taylor in the cards. Most likely, she'll be in Man-Thing 2 on the Sci-Fi Channel in a few years, a fate worse than being in Man-Thing 2 on the Playboy Channel.
Flipbook? Seriously? Goddamnit.
Despite rumors propagated by Doom, I have never, ever raped an Asian girl. Although, while watching this film, I wish that I had. Only if she was crazy of course. The film attempts to juggle the social dilemma of rape through justifying the act only if the bitch is "crazy enough". Now, I've had my fair share of mentally deranged, wrist-cutting, sociopath girlfriends, but I've never raped any of them. Any and all sexual relations were purely consensual, and I do mean pure. Not the adolescent, pure kind, more of the amorously pure. I may be just another Jewish schmuck trying to break into Hollywood, but my last name doesn't rhyme with Gonigsberg. I don't touch little girls. I never have, never will. Just because her chest is indistinguishable from her back does not mean she isn't of legal age. Sure, her face is suggestive of a twelve, okay no, an eight year old prepubescent girl, but she said she was eighteen! In any case, it still wasn't rape. I got the Jew card on my side so I can't be pinned down as a pedophile. After all, I never snuck into little eight year old Soon-Yi's bedroom to play finger fiddler on the roof - I snuck into Sung-Lee's! And she was eighteen, that's all that really matters, and that it wasn't rape. Such is the dynamic you must balance if you're a Jew who dates Asian girls.
Rape!
Besides the obvious story of the ghosts who can enter photographs, Shutter is mainly about the topic of rape and when or when not it is necessary. This movie attempts to tackle this issue in an even-handed manner, having one protagonist hold one view and the other protagonist the other view. Bootleg Naomi Watts believes rape is never necessary. Joshua Jackson, however, deems it permissible as long as the bitch being raped is crazy and there's no other option left (this is predicated on the belief that rape is a good way to ward off crazy). On the surface level you may sympathize with Jackson's position - after all, in the 80 minute film, the dead bitch acts crazy. But, if you think about it more, she only did all the ghost photograph shit in response to the rape. This means, simply put, that rape is not a deterrent for crazy bitches. They won't stop craziness when supposedly silenced with the weapon of rape; they'll get even more insane if anything. Megumi becomes so clingy in ghost form she starts sitting on Joshua Jackson's shoulders, giving him immense back pain no doubt. I'm sorry to say it, but it looks like Shutter disproved the Rapeman. Dammit! For all its faults, Shutter does provoke discussion about this controversial matter. You may even feel inclined to discuss it with friends or family who have also seen Shutter. I suggest this. A frank discussion of rape's appropriateness could prevent a lot of uncouth mistakes down the line.
Joshua Jackson, sportin' the Ronnie Gardocki amoral coldness!
But I feel the need to allow Rapeman a rebuttal after claiming Shutter showed the folly of his profession. Rapeman?
That's bullshit, saying rape is not the answer. I'd rape you if you weren't a man. (Rule #1 of Rapeman Services: No men.) In all my years of meting out justice through forceful penetration, I've found that rape is highly successful in getting women to subvert their own will and give in to the men, and this is especially true for Japanese women. They learn what they did wrong through being raped and then they make sure not to do it again because they'll get raped if they do so. I've certainly never had any ghosts of raped women haunt me after I raped them. Shutter is simply inaccurate if it postulates any different. I mean, who are you going to trust, Rapeman, The Rapeman, or something starring Joshua Jackson? Yeah, I thought so.
Shutter makes use of, as John Madden would say, the same fucking playbook The Ring and The Grudge and all their imitators employed to reach box office success. Ghosts appearing in places one does not expect them to appear, flies (remember the weird French experimental film in The Ring? There was a fly in that.), jump cuts, rollercoaster-like ascending dramatic music, and of course the always necessary fake out scares. You know, when they go somewhere and the music BUILDS AND BUILDS AND BUILDS and...nothing happens. Shutter also recycles settings, plot development methods, characters and more from other films; a near-literal patchwork of its predecessors. The newlyweds live in a near-abandoned apartment complex, hands come out of nowhere, bootleg Naomi Watts consults spiritual person and old photographs, and there's even a ghost monster who appears in a mass transit system. Most of these things were not frightening to begin with, and if you've seen them time and time again like we have, desensitization sets in and subsequently boredom and mockery do too. When Shutter takes itself so seriously, the laughable factor does not mean it's a better film since they obviously did not intend to inspire guffawing with things like the slow motion phone drop or the flipbook of pictures.
ELECTRO: THE HUMAN DYNAMO II
More than anything, Shutter's use lies in its placement chronologically: it's likely to be one of the last Asian horror remakes we see receive theatrical release in America. Shit like The Strangers and Hostel 398 have taken Asian horror remakes' place as the go-to for schlock horror concepts. We've stopped stealing from the Asians and now steal from the French. Funnily enough, the desperation of still wanting to carve out a permanent horror niche for Asian horror now comes from the Japanese directors who did the very type of film America now rips off. More and more, we're seeing Asian directors remake their own film (or someone else's film) for the United States. I believe the Asian market burned out on this crap before North America did and so the directors are making one last scramble to bilk some buck out of idiot moviegoers before the subgenre disappears completely for a decade or two. That the director in this instance doesn't know English proves his concern for profit over artistic quality. Why else would he make the stupid decision to have actors who can't speak his language and whose language he can't speak? Oh, Masayuki Ochiai, you hapless whore of a director. His directing style (reliant on every fucking trope) and his tendency to make shit so melodramatic it's laughable shows ol' Masayuki's skill development ended about 6 years ago. You know how formulaic the guy is? The Ring - the movie - could've directed Shutter and you would've seen negligible change.
Fucking rubbish.
But fret not, gentlemen, for we are witness to the end of the age of black haired Japanese apparitions embodying horror. What can we expect to supplant it? Well, uh, remakes of AHMERICHAN movies. And Saw sequels. Goddamnit. I'm starting to miss Samara already...
How many drinks do I need for this to be good?: 504
Mastur-factor: -10, 10 if you're the Jewker
The Stinger: Megumi was holding onto his shoulders THE WHOLE TIME!
Lesson Learned: Smudges and glares on photos? THE DEVIL.