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Saddam Hussein: Mission Accomplished
by Doom
We've won Iraq, motherfuckers!
The noose of victory, my friends. And the balaclavas of...freedom. The uniformless street toughs of...DEMOCRACY!
Well, it's over. It's finally over. After three long years of Saddam not being dead, now he's dead. We killed him. I think it is high time for some fucking victory celebrations, people! The long national nightmare has ended! We can finally leave Iraq now that our initial objective is finished. Right? Oh, wait, shit. I forgot. Our mission wasn't 'Kill Saddam Hussein'! Shit. We're fucked now. I spent hundreds buying banners and party hats and other paraphernalia related to celebrating Saddam's death as the last event in the Iraq War! What the hell am I supposed to do with 300 party favors that unfold into a noose and Saddam Hussein's lifeless corpse after you blow into it? I suppose while I figure out ways to unload these on suckers, we should reflect on our glorious mission to kill Saddam Hussein, and why it means absolutely nothing in our pursuit to murder as many Iraqi 'people' as possible (aka the Iraq War).
Let's first start by summarizing the life, times and crimes of our one-time buddy Saddam Hussein. For all we pin on Saddam, he was really a weapon we used to our advantage, like we used Osama bin Laden to fight off the Soviets in the 1980's in Afghanistan. But whereas bin Laden was a weapon we lost control of, Saddam was more a weapon we wanted to replace because he knew where all the bodies were buried. Bloodthirsty monsters are tolerated by the US and A so long as they stay in line. The whole Kuwait thing is bullshit. We've never cared about what our weapons do so long as they serve our interests or keep our 'enemies' out of power (see anywhere in South America). The Gulf War was simply to keep up appearances (and for H.W. to jerk off to some heavy artillery being pumped out, Reagan style). Bush didn't depose Saddam for a reason; the weapon still needed to be pointed at the Middle East, since replacing him could mean dire consequences. President Magilla, of course, didn't figure it out, but wanted to help his daddy's legacy, so he went into Iraq, guns blazing, with Hussein in his sights.
Obligatory.
As a weapon, Saddam worked pretty well. He worked as a very good proxy for whenever we wanted to kill some Iranians or curb possible revolutions there, kept a lid on the impending civil war in Iraq, and kept the literally patchwork country together longer than it should've been together. Not many other sociopaths can do such things. And, as we saw with Yugoslavia, a patchwork nation becoming the ethnic cleanser is not exactly the best thing to happen. Yeah, the Hussein-ster was a brutal dictator and genocidal monster, but who says those credentials mean we can't be friends with him? It only means we can't be friends once he's no longer useful to us in our continuing pragmatic dissolution of morals in favor of protecting our interests. But as I said before, President Magilla and his neocon taskmasters needed a democratic Middle East proxy country, and Iraq fit the bill. So out goes Hussein! No longer useful, plus he saw too much support from too many administrations to be alive for much longer without some serious permanent silencing. Wow, it's like something out of The Godfather, isn't it?
The entire idea of Saddam Hussein's capture, trial and execution is a total joke. While he definitely had a lot of blood on his hands, it doesn't take away from the fact that this is an American move, pure and simple. We ran the capture, we ran the trial. It was a puppet show. A trail more mock than the ones high school kids interested in becoming soulless fucks participate in. Why else wouldn't Saddam be charged with anything we helped him with? I'm pretty sure we helped him murder more than the ones he offed in 1982. (1982. Hm. Wasn't that one year before Donald "Slick Donny" Rumsfeld met with him?) We ran the execution, too, insofar as we said "Here, Iraqis, tear that motherfucker up with the noose". Shit, we even gave him to al-Sadr's boys, who appear to be our next weapon to point at the Iraqi civilians, since al-Maliki doesn't seem to be working out. A terrible thing, puppets not working the way they're supposed to. I suppose he can be inducted into the Puppet Hall of Shame, next to Diem. Anyway, we didn't really do any of this to serve justice or to show the power of Iraqi democracy. Don't let the media fool you into thinking we did any of it for 'good' reasons. Right-wingers haven't been getting what they want in terms of killing Iraqis into the ground, so the only catharsis left is to axe Saddam. Why not? I'm sure Bush and the boys were masturbating furiously to it on YouTube (Cheney held Bush's staff so the semen wouldn't dribble everywhere).
And in our effort to show the 'democracy' of the Iraqi people, we've been played for fools once again. The execution makes the whole Iraq thing worse, really. To 'look good', we gave up Saddam to the al-Sadr guys. al-Sadr. Where have I heard his name before? Oh! Isn't his militia the one our "Operation: Energy SURGE!" is going to crush? Uh...am I the only one who sees a conflict? It gets worse. Saddam, a Sunni Muslim, was executed on the Sunni Day of Sacrifice, as opposed to a non-religious holiday. This was done to a) show Shiites as the 'right' people in control of the government and b) inflame the Sunnis even more. We gave the former dictator of Iraq over to the thugs we're supposed to kill, who then use their acquisition of Hussein to further their sectarian violence. Wow, we're fucking helping Iraq become a modern, democratic country! Or not. Once we start handing over people to militia death squads, our moral pretenses are pretty much out the window. In fact, they're entirely out the window. The US isn't even trying anymore; Fuckwit and the Gang are running on autopilot as far as Iraq goes. They didn't bat an eyelash when Maliki's government worked around their own DEMACRATIC AND FRAIDOM laws in order to off Ol' Weapon faster, for reasons I assume are 'public opinion always improves when you off someone'. Why couldn't Maliki just pardon him like all good uniting leaders are supposed to do for criminal ex-leaders?!
Bill O'Reilly's Talking Points: "Hand Lotion is better when watching the Saddam video."
Of course, we did benefit from the execution. No question. What other material could the nation use for masturbation, especially after Gerald Ford's death? Nothing other than a good old fashioned Texas execution (except in Texas, hanging is traditionally used for coloreds and faggots)! Watching the nation band together in collective masturbation is an amazing sight to behold. The simmering sexual tension emitted by FOX NEWS whenever reporting about massive Iraqi casualties exploded into jubilation as the sick snuff mentality marched on to every other network. THERE GOES THE LIFE OUT OF HIS EYES, AND THERE COMES MY SEMEN! I don't see much of difference between our celebration of death and destruction in Iraq (or, rather, the glib dismissal of it by right-wing assholes) and jerking off after the trap door is removed from a hanging. Already, the usual gang is heralding it as a victory of sexually compelling images of a man dead. Violent video games are evil, but watching Saddam Hussein die? LET'S ROLL IT AGAIN, STAN! Our country has devolved into showing snuff to increase ratings and to 'raise the morale of troops'. Thank God, now our apparently simple minded troops can rest easy, knowing Saddam won't return like the Red Skull or Kang the Conqueror!
The catharsis extends to the continued right-wing "Well, this failed, so let's throw this at the wall! Something ought to work sometime!" 'strategy'. We can't secure real democracy in Iraq. We can't stop the civil war, nor can we calm it. Rebuilding the infrastructure of Iraq is a no go, since the U.S. handed out so many no-bid contracts to idiots whose brilliant plans consisted of squirrels in briefcases. In short, all the goals for Iraq have been fucked up or missed, horribly. However, the ace in the hole is Saddam Hussein. He's in custody. He can't magically disappear, unless he wants the roving Shiites to dispense with some vigilantism. Our one 'success', capturing Saddam Hussein, can be used a second time as a completely different success! Brilliant! Combined with the right's love of death and especially the barbaric forms of death, the execution was a no-brainer. The success bar has been lowered to such an extent that killing someone off is seen as accomplishing a vital mission. Only for Bush, his hatchet men and the media sociopaths can someone's death be considered a victory for democracy.
But isn't there something good that comes out of Saddam's death? Obviously! It offers another opportunity for us to high tail it out of Iraq, and I suggest we take it. Sure, we'll endure years of right-wing 'nya nya nya'-ing over the 'victory for freedom in Iraq', but we won't be participating in murdering people anymore, at least not until we move on to Iran in 'Mission Iranian Freedom' (aka depose Mahmoud Sandniggernajad and fiddle for a few years afterward). I say we ought to redefine Operation Iraqi Freedom as 'Operation Free Saddam From Life'. That's a mission we accomplish very easily. In fact, we accomplished it already! Might as well leave now, state of the country be damned. It's their democratic choice now to burn in sectarian violence.
Thank you, Saddam Hussein. In death, you have achieved the United States one more victory as our personal weapon. Everybody, whip out your dick and jerk off as we watch the noose tighten! SHIFTING THE FOCUS FROM WHAT'S REALLY HAPPENING ROCKS, MAN!