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Blog Moron of the Week

by Doom

Week 237: 9/11 Tearjerkers, Volume 1

Rather than choose one blog to make fun of for overwrought, tear stained reaction to THE WORST TARGEDY EVAH, it made a lot more sense to me to excerpt one or two blog entries from multiple sources to establish that, right or left, there are a lot of fucking bathetic, melodramatic losers wasting their lives on reliving a fucking event that more than likely they have no relation to besides seeing on the TELAHELLAVISION. Everyone feels obliged to try to make some grand statement about 9/11 in light of it happening a big round number of years ago, meaning people who spend the majority of their writing time bitching about Obama using too many pronouns or not using enough pronouns now are forced to write something serious, guys. Same for the liberals who linkblog, beg for money and speculate on how gay, precisely, Michele Bachmann's husband is.

Of course, we must, we must begin at Big Government, Andrew Breitbart's Voltron of anti-Obama rubbish. First up is ugly Chris Elliott impersonator John Nolte, best known for "editing" the drivel that goes on over at a sister site, Big Hollywood (also known as "Celebrities Are Traitors Who Send Their Paychecks Directly To Mahmoud Ahmadinejad"). He, of course, uses 9/11 to bitch at the Left. Why not? He spends every other day of the fucking year doing that. If he didn't sit in his armchair, his laptop slowly baking his balls into sterility, noisily eating from a bowl of cheetos while thinking of cool synonyms for "America hating communists", da terrorists win!

I don't see what skydiving has to do with 9/11, Walter.

I like the way he speaks of his relatives going out there and fighting terrorism on the frontlines of the Middle East with their sandy-colored gentlemen who wish to, alternately, install a theocracy based on their fundamentalist beliefs or get Americans the fuck out of their country. What's John Nolte doing, besides erroneously signing people's Cabin Boy DVDs? Uh...blogging about how the Left stinks and grousing over them letting us lose Vietnam too, even though Nolte was either too young or too deferments up his ass to serve himself. His self-realization he's a pussy who talks a military hardon game but doesn't walk anywhere but the convenience mart for some more salty snacks and perhaps an issue of Playboy leaves him with latent rage that manifests in public as screeds against his political enemies. We fucked up Vietnam! We fucked up the War on Terror! That said, Nolte does do some cool things with this one, like blaming liberals for the Khmer Rouge. I mean, "hippies lost Vietnam", that's common knowledge to people who masturbate to Rambo. But Cambodia? Us dirty hippies forced Cambodia into the Khmer Rouge? That claim, I think, is a lot rarer and I'm pleasantly surprised to see a full-measure of insanity rather than a simple half-measure. It takes an audacious idiot to believe - or I guess write, since who knows if these dolts are serious or just mercenaries using populist rage at the Commander-in-Nigger to make some fuckin' blogger cash cash money - the Left fucking allied with Pol Pot to do...something. If only they let poor, poor Rich Nixon have a few more bombings, Haing S Ngor would've never won that Oscar.

Big Government's got more in store, though, one of the heapings of patriotic mewling and shadowboxing at Leftism being from Raider favorite Dana Loesch, Ann Coulter if she was born a woman and not a vampiric hell beast conjured by a group of Satanic mages. Like most right-wing bloggers, 9/11 changed EVERYTHING for Loesch. You might call it her origin story. Dippy liberal indoctrinated since childhood into wearing the Democratic Party's Hammer and Sickle (aka the limp wrist and marijuana spliff), she's bit by a radioactive flag on the day of the worst thing to happen to anyone ever and becomes CONSERVA-WOMAN! She does whatever a opportunistic blogger can, calling for wars from her desk, she's got radioactive Reaganite blood! Look out, in a few years she'll be totally irrelevant! I have to say her account of 9/11 changing everything sounds made up, especially the bit about the three flags left at the store. All I could think was "man, that craft store got fucking paid that day". Her pre-conservatism beliefs, apparently, were just as stupid as her post-conservatism beliefs, as evidenced by the belief other countries hated America because of intimidation from the military. That's almost the same as "they hate us for our freedom!". The rest of it goes on with patriotic imagery, the contention her liberalism went down with the towers and the nonsensical "freedom wasn't a one time payment", which wouldn't even make it onto a fucking Toby Keith lyrics sheet. I'm disappointed. Manly men like John Nolte reacted with resignation, whereas apparently Dana went to Mach-5 vapors and fell in with her creep husband's ideology. I expected something punchier, like "how Osama bin Laden and his cohorts date raped me and took my tragedy virginity".

Finally, Joel Pollak, who also looks suspiciously similar to a comedian of vague repute (Michael McDonald of MADtv). He's best known for trying to take down Mark Ames in a Big Government post that used his own writing in The Bible (or The eXile: Sex, Drugs, and Libel in the New Russia for you heathens) against him. The affair was sad and pathetic, a boy bringing a stick to an ordnance fight, and this is likewise sad. Like Mr. McDonald's other journalistic "work", he never cites any of these elite journalists and intellectuals to prove that these things actually occurred and were not just in the deep recesses of his gerbil brain's imagination. At best he offers another article, in the Wall Street Journal, that shares his feelings and also makes some unproven assertions the mean old Arabs didn't grieve properly enough for people an ocean away they didn't know except from military base installments and popular culture. The bastards! Think of all the times prior to 9/11 we shed tears about things happening in the rest of the world...oh wait, we weren't, because da Pwesident got a bwowjob! Clearly we prioritized. Pollak excerpts his own op-ed about the international response, which he may not have ever written, considering he gives no link nor even a name of what local alt-weekly published it. Part of it goes like so:

We are told that the attacks are the necessary outcome of global economic inequality, of American policy in the Middle East, of the Bush administration’s unilateralist approach to diplomacy, and of various features of the “new world order” which the United States has supposedly imposed in the aftermath of the Cold War. It is almost as if these various themes in leftist thought, kept so long in shadow by American prosperity and power, are trying to take root in the rubble, straining towards the sunlight that now streams into southern Manhattan.

That support from the USSR 50 years ago is the only reason any country in the Middle East has any kind of modernish armaments. The United States never sold arms to anybody! NO, DON'T WATCH RAMBO III YOU FUCKING IDIOT NO

I've started drinking now and therefore I must check in on Vodkapundit, clearest of the clear bloggers and someone who'd get his head flushed in the bog by the War Nerd if their two paths ever crossed. Rather than go into apostate mode or blame it all on the Jews Hollywood, Voddy puts forth an amazing bit of war bloggin', much the same way Arnold Judas Rimmer of Red Dwarf continually fantasized of the correct way to win a war, be it in game form or on Waxworld. He first lays out an incorrect assumption, that terrorists are far more capable than they actually are, callously comparing Spain's terror attack to losing Norway to the Nazis. But what you see above you is when he really starts cooking with gas, or to tailor the metaphor to the subject, drinking straight shots of Absolut after every sentence. This slimy little shit believes that had Bush opted to not wage two wars but in fact attacked also North Korea, Iran, Syria, "various Palestinian groups" (whatever that means) and marched through three countries until they screamed "uncle", but not...for some reason...before "destroying all government buildings" the War on Terror would have been a lot more successful. He doesn't know if this ridiculous plan would work, though he did boot up Civilization V to test it out, yet "the troops would have been home by Christmas". If we couldn't seal the deal on two wars in ten years, four wars in about 18 months is bound to be better strategy! I'm not the War Nerd, so I'm not going to do a point by point depantsing of this sucker, I just want to say his What If? storyline makes it sound as though Vodkadrunkit's main experience with war is playing with 12 year olds on Xbox Live (he does so based on comparative skill level and latent pedophilia). I feel so much dumber for having read this shit, not just because I drank three screwdrivers in 15 minutes.

Well, that was enough of the right for my liking. Let's go left! Yglesias, that little prick, was the first person I thought of when I needed to mock some on the other end of the spectrum. The above post shows why. First of all, I find it darkly hilarious how little Matty begins his 9/11 post with an exclamation point. That takes balls, which makes it an outlier among the rest of his published work. From there it goes downhill as he never manages to make a real point that's new or not often articulated in the public discourse. Terrorism totally sucks, man! It's weak! The people who do it suck! Yglesias takes the controversial stance that terrorism is bad, how amazing. He also manages to make it as dry and as boring as possible, aka classic Yglesias. This shows Matty didn't let the terrorists win by doing the same inane shit he always does. Woo!

As you can see, while the right-wing nutters are, well, fucking nutters times 10 when the ol' Giuliani Birthday rolls around, the left-wing can bring it...oh, who am I kidding, it's not even bloody comparable. Yglesias' contribution was the worst notionally leftist shit I could find and it's still so much better than even the best, most reasonable tract by someone who holds conservative ideology. There's so much garbage thrown out by the right-wing I'm going to be doing these Blog Morons for multiple weeks, if not an entire fucking month. It's that bad, folks.