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Blog Moron of the Week
by Doom
Week 277: Ann Althouse, Professor of the Drunk
"Even sexy guys lose recall elections, Mayor Barrett. You know that, you know that Tom."
It's been my dream ever since I moved to Madison 10 months ago to come across a bar attended by famous wingnut drunk, Professor Ann Althouse, slurring her words as she demands another glass of Merlot. She probably drinks more than me, that's how much of a fuckin' drunk she is. Despite being a tenured professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, perhaps the "hey, mannnn"ingest universe in the Midwest that's not Hackeysack University, she neither supports the right for public sector unions to collectively bargain nor does she ever approach something resembling intelligence. It makes for a shitty person but a perfect right-wing blogger. I've talked about her on occasion (usually in the context of "Famous Drunken Whorebags"); she deserves Blog Moron status this week as a result of her continued sauced ramblings about the recall election to unseat Warrior King Scott Walker. I, like everyone else in Wisconsin, have Walker on the brain and I've got knives out for all the goddamn suckers who think selling off the state to the Koch Brothers is acceptable as long as it's to spite the fucking public labor union fatcats who demand things like "healthcare" and "time off". It's hypocritical that Althouse, who uses a ridiculous amount of sick days due to "chronic hangover syndrome", wants to roll back rights people fought and died for. But hey, maybe her brain's so pickled she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing or how she wound up asleep in a swimming pool, her pants covered in piss. Let's find out!
B-b-b-b-but the poncho! If there's one thing I hate about conservatives in this fucking state, it's their whining about the cost of recall elections. They don't care that elections in general are spiraling out of control vis-à-vis costs, and they scoff at publicly funded elections or partially publicly funded elections (which Wisconsin used to have), they just don't like this pesky "representative democracy" thing we have going. Also, stop opposing capitalism, you guys, people wanted to spend that $110 million to support/oppose the candidates. Why do you hate capitalism? Ann Drunkhouse adds to it the asinine complaint that the multiple elections in the past year or so is "really unfair to normal people". No, it's unfair to stupid people who want to watch Dancing with the Stars minus any commercial interruption that forces them to think about things happening in their state. I don't give a shit about morons with election fatigue; election fatigue is fucking stupid as it is, considering in this country turnout of registered voters never goes above 50%. I seriously don't understand where these morons are coming from. Perhaps we could bring back free speech zones so the poor wittle normals don't have confront the fact that people are quite angry and quite affected by Governor Devlin's policies. I'm sure if Barrett wins the conservatives will say "all right, fair enough". Oh wait, they won't, they'll whine about voter fraud and niggers hanging from rafters like they do every time something they don't like happens. Fucking prigs like Althouse just prove that some people don't deserve democracy.
Oh, awesome, a lot of anecdotes that probably never occurred. Scott Walker likes that game too, pretending a Democrat in Sheboygan doesn't think he's an irredeemable douchebag who looks like a goddamn retard. For one thing, there's almost always someone at the capital protesting; I know this because I go past the capital almost every day. Also, come on, she didn't go to cafes, she went to bars and graded papers with a little help from Vitamin Vodka. The fact that there's not a lot of protesters milling about the center of Madison isn't surprising considering the protests started over a year ago and people have transitioned from public protest to campaign work for the Democrats; furthermore, it's rather impossible to have sustained protest that doesn't taper off for over a year. If you didn't drink so much you blacked out the walk from "the bar" to "your house" and the converse, you'd see a number of anti-Walker/pro-Barrett yard signs, shop window displays, T-shirts, etc. Like most of Althouse's writings, this is a worthless blog post that doesn't really say anything and meanders to a non-conclusion by the time she needs to uncork another bottle of Yellowtail. I'm surprised she didn't go on to say she learned a lot of interesting information from an ethnic cab driver who's totally real shut up I'm not making this up. Either the recall election is the union radicals trying to subvert democracy or it's no big deal supported by barely anyone. It can't be both, it's not Schrodinger's Recall. Let me put it in terms Professor Glugglug can understand: a wine can't be simultaneously Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon.
For those of you who think I'm overestimating Ann Appletini's drinking problem, well, here's something to dissipate your skepticism. None of this makes any goddamn sense to someone with a BAC under .35. I think the one that pisses me off is #5, because it continues the lie that, gosh darn it, the regular folks just don't want to have to deal with politics all the time. Once every four years is enough; shit, we might as well install Scott Walker as governor for life, then we won't have to waste money on costly shit like "elections" and "representative democracy". We wouldn't have political ads in our faces every fucking day for months were Scott Walker not a corrupt shithead who pissed off a lot of people by faking a budget crisis so he could bust some unions that certainly aren't the thing holding Wisconsin back from becoming a Galtian paradise. You either have to be really fucking dumb or really fucking sloshed, or both, to whine about recall elections. The rest of the list is pretty fucking dumb too, like saying liberals should vote for Scott Walker because if he loses, the Hoveround Conceal Carry freaks will be pissed off, as though they aren't already leaving comments on the Journal-Sentinel website calling Eugene Kane a coon and claiming Mayfair Mall should be renamed "Nigger Mall". People are still bitching about Obama's birth certificate, so spite and impotent rage certainly won't stop even if Governor King Walker wards off electoral failure. Speaking of spite, Ann suggests we ought to vote Walker as a protest against the co-opting of the movement by the Democrats. Just because you dumbasses do everything out of spite doesn't mean we do. (Althouse drunk drives out of spite every time she sees a drunk driving PSA. She also drunk drives because she's a fuckin' drink and always will be.) The post also suffers from cognitive dissonance; Barrett's supposed to be a radical leftist who's going to take your guns and reuse them to perform abortions at Planned Parenthood, but he's also a loser moderate who doesn't care about the unions. He taxes and spends like a madman yet he's also not a leftist. Which is it, Ann, or are you having doublevision?
I'm sure she wouldn't be able to ask these questions without slurring half the words, but I figure if she did ask these questions Tom Barrett would laugh in her red, puffy face. "Why exactly are the people of Wisconsin being put through this recall exercise"? Are we sure she passed the bar exam instead of just passing a bar? The answer is obvious: people triggered the recall election by getting more than enough signatures on a petition to trigger a recall based on what the stipulations are in state laws. People wanted to recall Walker, over a million of them, so they did. You're real goddamn stupid if that's the question that haunts you so. Within those state laws, there's nothing stating that the governor can only be recalled for a short list of reasons, like criminal malfeasance. People triggered the recall election because Walker's a divisive douchebag with a stupid fucking grin on his face and a ridiculous bald spot. Did you know Republicans tried to recall Jim Doyle, but they failed since they didn't get enough signatures? Stop whining about the law only when it doesn't benefit you. "But I'm against recall elections in principle": no, you're not, stop pretending you are and for god's sake, woman, stop licking spilled Shiraz out of the shag carpeting, it's embarrassing. The question to Walker at least makes sense in its stupidity, and it reminds me of Lisa's prewritten question to Mr. Burns (who's actually a better candidate for governor considering he's actually run a business as opposed to wiping down the loads of businessmen): "Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?". The answer is obvious, that Scott will punish his adversaries, considering that's what he did the first time because he's a vindictive little prick. Man, Professor Barney's more on the ball than this woman.
Mrs. Althouse declined to confirm or deny that she has a shirtless male TA named "Randy".
Ugh. The thing is, she's not entirely a partisan hack; for example, she voted for Barack Obama in 2008. The fact that she supported Obama and went on to become a blogger flack for Scottius Walker shows that she's a rather flighty dumbass, supporting people and formulating opinions based on whims that are usually explain by the arrogance and confidence accrued with a certain amount of drinkin'. She might get so drunk sometimes she doesn't even remember what her political affiliation is. But regardless of her beliefs and principles, she's a humorless bore who actually annoys me more than the right-wing losers I usually deal with. They at least have the sense to be hysterical nutcases as opposed to trying the bullshit "wise centrist" pose that everyone knows is a lie. Not only is Althouse a terrible commentator, she's a terrible human, a definite D- one (the D doesn't stand for drambuie). She married a commenter on her blog, for fuck's sake; if she can't get dicked at the several bars she attends during the week, clearly she has serious personality deficiencies. If I took her class at UW (I wouldn't, just roll with me here), which would probably add credits to my minor in "drinking", I'd either imbibe using my lucky flask or making "drinky drinky" motions whenever her gaze set upon me. That's the only way I'd be able to get through the interminable lectures, which would be extra long due to her habit of nodding off in mid-sentence, without having to kill myself or pull a Cho.