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Supergirl #1 Review
by Scarecrow
But just like the Highlander, there turned out to be several more of increasingly poor quality.
Supergirl, eh? Ah, the object of my complete hatred. It is the story of uh, well... Jesus, I'm not really sure. She's possibly Superman's cousin who is older than him, maybe a clone. Hey, how about a parallel dimension! Yeah, I really fucking hate this character. Her origin(s) and background(s) is (are) some of the most confusing in the DCU. I am being a tad too harsh, she started as a good idea, a female version of Superman (because Wonder Woman isn't close enough...). But after aforementioned numerous reboots, deaths, and rebirths I have become all too accustomed to fully loathe her. Oh, and I didn't even mention that Jeph Loeb is writing the title.
See, this is supposed to be the part of the review where I summarize the character, title and issue for all of you kindly folks. Problem is, I have no idea how to go about that what-so-ever. This issue is purportedly numbered as the following: #1. You might think seeing as how that's the case, some sort of introduction or explanation as to who this character is (and even for the veterans of the hobby, how is she here now), well suffice to say it didn't quite work out like that. Christ, damn near half of the issue is of fight panels and it's a fucking #1! Apparently, our friend Loeb never heard of a little literary tool called "exposition". Right, I guess the above tirade doesn't actually help those who want to know what this book entails. Although there is a #0 following it (the bane of my existence), that is no excuse for this issue. The vast majority of it is a fight between the JSA and Solomon Grudy with Supergirl on-looking. She helps out, Power Girl (she's probably Clark's cousin or something, too!) tries to kill her blah, blah, blah.
Ugh... fine, I'll actually attempt this exercise in futility. There's some sort of conflict brewing between Supergirl and Power Girl! Seems to be, they're so similar that Power Girl goes on the fritz when she makes physical contact with Supergirl. I know, it's a very complex plot and process. Let me simplify it for you: It's akin to having two wireless controllers operating on the same channel. Your friend's playing as your Yoshi while you're playing as his Luigi! Total madness! As you can see, Loeb is a very compassionate advocate against wireless interference, it's very touching to finally see this struggle touched upon in comics, and in such an articulate manner. Those devices that are being oppressed by this social disease finally have a voice and that man is Jeph Loeb!
As you might have been able to infer, I didn't enjoy this particular issue (and I assume those that will be following it won't be favorites of mine, either) that much. If I was a libertarian who lived in my mother's cabin's basement in the Montana woods I would be screaming "sabotage" from rooftops. For you see, Jeph Loeb just recently signed an exclusivity deal with The Enemy (Marvel Entertainment). Realistically, I just find that to be ludicrous, Loeb is perfectly capable of ruining a book (and character, well even more so, in this case) without any malice-laced intentions. He's possesses what you might call a "spotty track record". He's had a few hits, and many misses. He's apparently a pedophile, as well (more on that later!). Man, I'm not even sure what happened in this book. It's not horrible but it's far from good, it's subpar in every way a comic book could be. Hell, maybe this is my fault, though. Since I'm not that familiar with the character (I gave up once she died then came back to life but wasn't exactly the same one as before.... about a dozen times), maybe there's some hidden sub-text for fans of rich (read: fucked up) continuity that completely went over my head. Maybe it was a intellectual satirical commentary on previous the state of the character. Yeah, I didn't think so, either.
Hm, what else is there even to say? I still have about 400+ words needed to fill this shit up! Oh, I know! Speaking of previous woes, one might say "Scarecrow, more like Scare.. uh, FOE. Supergirl was found by Batman in Superman/Batman and her re-introduction into the DCU is explained in perfectly coherent detail!". Well, Angry Fan-Boy #6, I was certainly aware of this. However, 'problem is, Superman/Batman fucking sucks. I don't read it and I don't plan on doing so anytime in the near future (i.e. ever). As a result of me knowing what to read and what not to read, I am left in the dark as to this new title. Now, this is a fairly common practice in the comic book industry and it might seem like I'm splitting hairs. Although, said practice is usually implemented between books of importance (Infinite Crisis and it's preceding mini series' are good examples), not from one 22-page collection of mediocrity to the next.
Now, I have something serious to admit, boys and girls. This is going to cause some serious damage to my "comic book geek cred" but I cannot lie to any of you. Here it goes: I have never masturbated to any of the countless iterations of Supergirl once in my life. I apologize for to no end, maybe you'll all find it in your hearts to forgive me one of these days. I guess it goes without saying that the art of this book did not appeal to me, then. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, Churchill isn't Liefeld or anything, the characters do have legs that look as if they would function correctly. However, there seemed to be a panel solely dedicated to Supergirl and/or Power Girl's cleavage and/or skirt/thong. I suppose this is more Loeb's fault than anyone else's (the writer gives explicit directions to the artist in some cases as to what to draw), so if anyone should be jailed it should be him. Supergirl? Yeah, she's 15. Loeb skirts around this issue more than Bush did Hurricane Katrina (don't you love when you're aware that a joke will be dated in five months or even minutes yet you include it anyway?) by saying that she's technically even older than Superman, something about suspended animation and what have you. Well, anything works as long as it keeps Ol' Jeph out of jail so he can continue to produce such quality stories (read: kiddie porn).
So, all in all? All in all this book fucking sucked. Man, do I wish I could just begin and end my concluding paragraph that way, alas that cannot be. It wouldn't kill you if you read it, might lose a few brain cells but nothing worse than what watching an Adam Sandler flick would do to you. Life will go on and you'll forget about it, you'll recover pretty quickly. As I said before, it's not the worst comic book ever written, but goddamn is it no Miracleman. Hell, it's not even Hush.