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The Decline in Booth Babes and the Decline of Western Civilization: A Coincidence?
by Chuck Austen
It's been a while since I went to a comic book convention. My whole falling out with Marvel and DC made it difficult to be invited to conventions. The last I went to as a creator was the New York Comicon, and only one person showed up at my table, who then promptly yelled at me for my gross mischaracterizations of Polaris during my Uncanny X-Men/X-Men run. Every other time I wanted to go, no one invited me, and X-Men editor Mike Marts even told me: "Jesus Christ, Chuck, I haven't been your editor in two years. Get some new people in your address book, loser." Then he hung up. I did go to one convention by paying for my own ticket, and people kept on confusing me as "the guy from the old Battlestar Galactica show" or "Isn't he the guy who jerked off in the popcorn tub? No, that was Pee Wee Herman". But no matter how dejected I felt after being booed off the convention floor, I always found solace in booth babes, aka women who appeared at various booths advertising products in a sexy way. Like prostitutes, booth babes made me feel important and not a freak. Unlike prostitutes, they didn't even charge me for it, though I didn't get to fuck them. But it's a family convention, so I gotta let some things slide.
However, recent conventions like E3 and the Chicago Comicon have done away with booth babes. I, for one, am shocked and appalled. Why else should I even go to conventions now? See a bunch of completely unhot nerds? Fuck that shit. I go to conventions to get laid - sure, it never happens, but it could someday, at least it could've until they banned booth babes. Chris Claremont used to go to conventions and was able to fuck 3 virgins during a SMALL convention. Big time ones, like San Diego? 15-20, minimum. Shit, even Peter Milligan plowed some chicks and he's British or gay or something. If those guys, as X-Men writers, can get tons of booth babe chicks and not those ugly dyke X-Men fans, theoretically I had a chance of getting my Chuck on. Not anymore, though, because supposedly the convention planners want to make the conventions more fan-friendly. In this article I will lay out exactly why the decline of booth babes at conventions is bad for you, bad for me, bad for everyone.
Paul Jenkins may be a better writer than me, and nicer than me, and funnier than me, and happily married instead of five times divorced, but even he understands the glory of chicks who are paid to be interested in you!
The term used, booth babes, derives from the Grecian tradition where the Greeks would determine funding of artisans depending upon the comely lass at their cart or booth. The Romans used booth babes to increase their power as well, tricking other civilizations with the babes' siren ways. Even Nazi Germany decreased hysteria during blitzkriegs by having booth babes lead the way into foreign countries, somewhat tempering the citizens' emotions as they were being invaded. As you can plainly see, all great civilizations [Hey, Nazi Germany helped introduce the modern bondage film] utilized booth babes. Even America was forged through hot women. Every year, immigrants enter through Ellis Island just to see the Naked Statue of Liberty in Newark, New Jersey. Or Mount Cuntmore in downtown Atlantic City, New Jersey. Or our booming pornography industry. Entire generations of Americans created specifically through booth babes and, to a lesser extent, filth. Why take the impetus away for sake of shielding children from scantily clad pornographic models at an all ages event?
Our very economy runs on booth babes, as many CEOs could not get through their lives without the hire of prostitution, purchase of pornographic magazines or booth babes making them feel important and wanted. I tried to kill myself for days on end after leaving Action Comics, and no one would stop me as my friends stopped returning the drunken suicide contemplation messages I routinely left on their machines. It wasn't until I found enough loose change to buy myself a Vampirella themed escort that I found sufficient reason to continue living. The suicide rate would be way higher if not for large numbers of women who pretend to like us for cash. Not to mention the recession caused by the shutting down of escort services, prostitution, pornography and other related ways for women with low self-esteem to make themselves feel better. Why else do you think we had a recession during the first and second Bush administrations? Crackdown on pornography stifles the economy, whereas previously porno and the related industries stimulated, in more ways than one, the economy.
Show me a kid who doesn't want to hit those, and I'll show you a GAY kid.
I called up one of the heads of the Chicago convention to see why they felt banning the booth babes was necessary, and they told me the reasoning was to clean up the convention such that it can appeal to all ages easier. Excuse me, but who do hot women not appeal to? When I was a little kid, I worked hard to see tits every day. Steal a Playboy magazine, rent a porno tape using a fake ID, enter a strip club via a largely complicated process involving my two friends and myself standing on each others' shoulders to form a very tall man...it goes on and on. Point is, my entire life revolved around seeing hot women until I turned 18 and learned the wonders of prostitution and the girl at the Yogurt Hut [she gives it up easy]. I know every single kid in America devotes their entire free time to looking at or seeking out naked women. Kids who read comics aren't pussies. They don't come to conventions to see Spider-Man or Wolverine or see Joe Quesada at the buffet table. They come to conventions for some fuckin' anal action!
It's yet another case of censorship where parents don't want little Johnny to see tits or vag, or for little Jane to see the same and think "hey, it's okay to want to lick pussy" or "hey, it's okay to sell my body to drooling fat men". No, how could we ever condone behavior such as that [I'm being sarcastic]? I see no reason to censor tastefully looking almost naked chicks in chainmail. I grew up seeing tons of naked women on a fairly regular basis [my father ran a brothel, "Chuck Sr.'s Fuck and Suck"] and I turned out okay, didn't I? Thus, Convention Nazis, stop infringing upon my civil right of being able to see nearly nude chicks and objectify them accordingly. I want to see some tits and obviously an all-ages comic book convention is the best place to see them, since I've been banned from most strip clubs and bouncers at most clubs carry a copy of my mugshot with a caption "DO NOT LET THIS MAN IN".
Since the banning of booth babes this year, gas prices have gone up, the Republican leadership is plagued with scandal and upheaval, and the Lebanon-Israel War broke out, causing some to believe us to be one step closer to World War III. I can't help but notice more than just mere coincidence; in fact, one might say due to the decrease in booth babes, Western Civilization and geopolitics as a whole have been declining to the point where we're seriously on the path to world destruction. Sure, most of you will say "Chuck, there's no connection. It's a coincidence. Also, what the fuck was up with The Draco, dude?" To that I say "Maybe, maybe. But don't for a second disbelieve that nearly naked bitches in Street Fighter costumes wouldn't stop all the fighting in the Middle East. And go to Hell, I ruled on Uncanny."
I'd fuck 'em!