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Bill O'Reilly's Those Who Trespass Review

by Doom

Insert joke here.

A hard boiled intense thriller with a taut mystery and political intrigue on every corner of a plot concerned with the high stakes nature of network news. The best author for the job of writing that tome is, of course, noted fiction writer and depth-filled characterization master Bill O'Reilly. Yes, Bill O'Reilly, he's on par with John Updike in his mastery of the English language, he's the perfect guy to write a novel. Before any of his other books which extolled the virtues of how much Clinton sucks and how much Factor Gear costs, O'Reilly wrote a little fiction book entitled Those Who Trespass. Despite the fiction moniker, it's actually based on real events that previously occurred in Bill O'Reilly's life, specifically his dispute with his former network and employer, CBS. Want to see inside Bill's damaged and disturbing psyche? Read on!

The magnum opus sets a brisk pace immediately when in the span of one chapter the sleazy, sexual deviant impotent jackass of a newsman [really not Bill O'Reilly, I swear!] finds himself quite murdered by a psychopath by the name of, oh, I can't tell you now, it wouldn't be a mystery then. But Bill don't know that! I'm not a huge mystery novel reader, but presumably one of the factors that makes a mystery a mystery is, ideally, THE READER NOT FUCKING KNOWING WHO THE BAD GUY IS BY THE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND CHAPTER!!!!!!! Bill, if the reason the killer gives for killing a guy is "For Argentina", don't do a chapter directly after outlining that conflict, making it completely obvious who killed him if you want to write a fucking murder MYSTERY. Especially when the conflict directly mirrors what happened to YOU when you worked for CBS.

After figuring out whodunit within 20 pages, I didn't feel compelled to read the rest of the book in sequential order so I skipped around in the hopes that it wasn't, in fact, predictable sensationalistic garbage. At least I managed to obtain a decent grasp of the plot, thought I don't know if that's better or worse. Summary of other events: cop Thomas O'Malley, also not Bill O'Reilly, takes his job seriously and often gets wrapped up in his work to the point of obsession or pushing off human contact. What an original character O'Reilly has crafted. He's on the GNN [not CBS, seriously] case, trying to figure out who murdered all those reporters, and yes, we receive more stupid flashbacks to things apparently in O'Reilly's life that might have turned him into a serial killer. Shannon Michaels, a no-nonsense guy pushed to the edge by incompetent GNN drones, decides he has to murder all the people who ruined his career. Bill isn't projecting his fantasies at all! He murders people in unintentionally hilarious ways, such as burying a guy in the sand and then watching the poor fellow eventually drown. You know, that'd feel welcome...in a Chucky movie. Shannon Michaels also kills a woman but not before stuffing pantyhose in her mouth. Classic O'Reilly! I'm surprised he didn't serenade her with phone sex beforehand.

O'Re...er, O'Malley figures out the case and goes head-to-head with the villainous cunning and razor-sharp wit of Shannon Michaels, who slices throats with a boxcutter and remarks on how 'cutthroat' TV news is. Akiva Goldsman, eat your heart out. So begins the match of wits between himself and himself, and I hope I'm not spoiling you with this, but O'Reilly wins at the end. The ending reveals surprising humility for Bill; in a fight between Bill O'Reilly and an exploding jet, apparently O'Reilly would lose. I'm shocked, I thought I'd see him Rambo it up and take down the plane with his teeth.

One source of hilarity comes from Bill O'Reilly's complete inability to think up original characters. The first murder in the book is of a newsman whose political beliefs, lecherous activities, and self-centered arrogance mirror Bill O'Reilly. Who murders the O'Reilly standin? Bill O'Reilly, aka Shannon Michaels, a newsman cruelly left out in the cold by his former company and former colleagues. He's a sociopath who has troubles with women. Very similar to Bill O'Reilly. So far we've got Bill O'Reilly murdering Bill O'Reilly. Normally that'd be crazy enough for an author to depict his own murder with himself behind the murder of himself, but not for O'Reilly, he needs crazier. Thomas O'Malley solves the crime and stops Bill O'Reilly Shannon Michaels once and for all. So let us add 'Bill O'Reilly solving the crimes Bill O'Reilly committed' to the bizarre, fucked up paradigm in Those Who Trespass. Wait, I think I can frame this in such a way that gives O'Reilly a Freudian flair to him. Shannon Michaels, the murderer, would be the id of O'Reilly, what Bill wants to do, his innermost desires. Costello, aka the newsman id O'Reilly murders, would be the Superego, the pathetic impotent man castrated by society. O'Malley, the Ego, the personality who keeps both clashing id & Superego at bay, creating a mixed personality with the habits of lecherous impotence, hypocrisy, anger, rage, and Irishness.

But wait, it gets even BETTER, if that's even possible. Our fav. pundit/author creates a love interest not only for his good self, Thomas O'Malley, but also his bad self, Shannon Michaels. It's the same girl! So, O'Reilly fighting himself to get the girl. Boy, his sex drive becomes more and more fucked up as I turn the pages. I haven't read a FOX NEWS commentator yarn this disturbing since the transcripts about Bill's phone sex escapades came out. The tome reveals what the Bilster thinks about himself; that nightly television is a drug to him and if that drug gets taken away from him, he will resort to murder. Mr. Murdoch, I think the book's his way of saying "Don't ever fire me, or else I'll kill you."

For his first labeled-as-fiction book, I had higher expectations. Bill gained such a magnificent career fabricating crap like the War on Christmas and all his ludicrous claims of speaking a truth really only truth if you look at it through idiot-colored glasses, I figured writing fiction would be a slam-dunk for a guy. Sadly, I was wrong, mainly because his fiction book contains more fact than the non-fiction ones do. For example: in depth analysis about what makes Bill O'Reilly's falafel addled brain tick, why he hates people at CBS, and how Bill O'Reilly thinks he's a ladies man. It furthers displays his hypocrisy; if anyone else had written this book, Bill O'Reilly would be on The Factor every night bitching about it. The man complains about people perverting kids' mind; fuck, he's made a career out of "Won't somebody please think of the children", even writing a kids' book. But Those Who Trespass contains foul language, disturbing sex, lewd pervo narration like describing a character's bust as helping and hurting her career, and insanely detailed ritualistic murders. I shouldn't mention that his prose leaves much to be desired, like coherence or non-groanworthy lines of dialogue and description. Won't somebody please think of the children, or at least think of the people who painfully endured through this shit?

On a final note, let me read to you some choice quotes from the back the book, ostensibly existing to promote the book: "Want to know how knives are sharpened and competitors are sabotaged inside those outwardly urbane TV newsrooms? O'Reilly knows it all, and tells you. Electrifying stuff" sez Arthur Hailey, author of such creatively titled tomes as Airport and Detective. Yes, because the first person to ask about murder and villainy should be Bill O'Reilly. Liz Smith, described as "syndicated entertainment columnist" chimes in: "I have always enjoyed Mr. O'Reilly on TV, where he now toils for Fox News. And he has written a fiction that has been [widely] praised. Oh, yes, and Liz Smith also loved this one!" What - what - what language is that even in. My opinion is Liz Smith is either a couple of Malaysian kids who write print columns through the magic of Babelfish, or Liz Smith suffers from mental retardation, because no one fucking talks that way if they are of average intelligence. She liked the book so I'm siding with the second option.