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Rush Limbaugh's The Way Things Ought To Be Review
by Doom
Oh no. This is gonna involve Rush on a plantation whipping slaves, I just know it.
The best thing about Rush Limbaugh writing a book is we don't ever need to see his face under any circumstance. We just assume his incredibly bloated and "pig bursting at the seams" image in our heads, there's no need to correlate with reality in terms of his image. But bam, right there on the cover to The Way Things Ought To Be, an image of his ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly mug. He's so ugly it appears his genetics favor the recessive barn animal genes moreso than the dominant human genes, explaining his snout and bulbous appearance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging the book based on his flabbiness, though I could considering how much material there is [almost as much material as there is fat]. His creepy stare and the fingers on the face reminded me of the last known photographs of sex offenders. But no, I read this book and survived mostly intact.
The advisory sets the tone for the rest of the book. Yes, an advisory, because apparently the Surgeon General feels Limbaugh causes as many deaths as cigarettes. "In many cases their reviews will have been written before the book was published. How do I know this? Because I do." Well, I'm fucking convinced. I guess his empirical evidence of nothing proves his point. What hilarious, stupid, stupid arrogance he peddles in his book! You know, Rush is the fat kid who acts tough but when you threaten him back he runs away very slowly and consoles himself with the entire Hardee's menu. Amazon says: "Rush Limbaugh is a way of life for over twelve million avid and devoted listeners. For three hours every day this comic conservative of the airwaves with "talent on loan from God" entertains, provokes and persuades friend sand enemies alike in a no-holds-barred show that is one of the biggest draws in radio history. Using personal anecdotes, Limbaugh now reveals the major influences on his life and views, and blasts off on all the leading issues of our day. Nothing escapes his acerbic wit and huggable charm as he proves why he is on the cutting edge of societal evolution and the epitome of morality and virtue. Here he holds forth on such subjects as: Anita Hill, The Homeless Fraud, The Media, and many others. Tackling the hottest topics of the times from Feminazis to Environmentalist Wackos, Rush Limbaugh is at his satirical best---the provocative conservative and the showman who is "documented to be almost always right 97.9% of the time" about The Way Things Ought To Be." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I feel like dying.
I didn't read the entirety of the book [even I'm not suicidal], but I read enough to write a decent summary for every chapter. Here it goes, all the Goddamned chapters in the book, even the ones where it's just a photocopy of Rush's favorite take-out menus!
"Going National": Rush talks about how he went from being the guy in Sacramento who harasses the Jack in the Box order box over what number of fries equals heart attack size to the guy who goes around nationally to harass fast food chain order boxes over the legality of selling a guy a garbage bag of onion rings. This big change requires Rush to increase his weight, and Rush describes his quest to boost himself up to a robust 550 lbs. Learn about how to deep fry everything, and I mean everything.
"My Success Is Not Determined By Who Wins Elections": You know, he's right. Because if Democrats win he can blame everything wrong with the country on Democrats, and if Republicans get elected, he can blame everything wrong with the country on either the Democrats not supporting the Republicans' plans to build a giant space dildo missile system or the government being secretly run by Comrade Bill and his Axis of Liberalism. Rush leeches off everyone, crowing his crow laugh of gutteral blubbering all the while.
"People: Think For Yourselves": ...by listening to what Rush Limbaugh tells you?
"State of the Union": Wherein Rush whines about people wanting him to care about AIDS. Wherein Rush actually fucking says "the war on cancer", which sent me into a coma for about 3 days. Wherein Rush whines about people disparaging Christopher Columbus with 'facts'. Wherein he complains about kids being given condoms, schools teaching kids about tribal Africa, and complaining about how people don't know the whole truth: if the entire world was capitalist, world hunger would not exist. Yes, a perfectly rational idea if you take prescription drugs and masturbate to documents on Whitewater. Essentially Limbaugh's excuse to rehash his "I'm a rich white man and I'm tired of persecution from those commies in Commiegress!". Like Network, only not noble...and covered in barbeque sauce.
"Abortion: Our Next Civil War": The Union will decimate the South again and then take away voting rights for fetuses? And then--you know what, I can't even come up with a clever joke about Rebortconstruction, this chapter is so inane.
"In Defense of the Eighties": No, Rush. Just no. Not even your sharp analytical and rational mind can come up with an argument in defense of pastel, casual cocaine and voting for Ronald Reagan. Don't even try, Rush. Just eat a bag of Burger King spoiled assorted chicken parts.
"AIDS: Good Money and Bad: Some Help Is Not Desired": According to King of Science, the Rushster claims we don't need to find a CURE for AIDS, we need to stop unsafe sex and drugs first. Yes, it's way easier to spend money on the ever-effective of The War on Drugs and the hypocrisy riddled War on Sex movement [we refuse to give kids condoms but Goddamnit they better not fuck without condoms!!] than curing a fucking disease for forever. Admit it, big fella, you simply want gays and minorities and whores to all die horrible deaths. And what better way than AIDS!
"The Imperial Congress": If this was Star Wars, Rush would be the asteroid monster! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP!!!!!! HE GOT SERVED BUT NOT IN A RESTAURANT WAY!!!!!
"Animals Have No Rights": And in his mind, neither do blacks.
"The Saga of Anita Hill": Women make up sexual harassment to entitle them to compensation! Compensation they need because they're inferior because they're not men! Wooooooooooooo!
"Condoms: The New Diploma": Kids fuck. You may yell at them about how God hates nubile teens fucking, but they'll still do it. Condoms encourage them to fuck and not fuck in a way which leads to an STD or pregnancy. The latter might lead to ABORTION. So Rush should support kid kondoms, but I think he's jealous. He's never needed to use a condom since the only sex he has is indescribable involving a turkey, some stuffing and a lot of turtle wax.
"To Ogle Or Not To Ogle": Rush contemplates his choices on how to deal with a very attractive piece of beef.
"You know, there are three things we're never going to get rid of here in the country: one, the Jews in the banks -- two, the blacks and their ruined cities -- and three, our former two-term President, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking, Jewocrat Bill Clinton."
"We Need A New National Symbol": An eagle eating a flag, shitting out the Star Spangled Banner, while a soldier murders an Iraqi and a rich man masturbates all over the poor. Rush suggests a fat pig with ugly people sucking at her teats, but I don't see why we'd want to adopt Rush's mom as the new symbol for our country. OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!
"Sorry, But The Earth Is Not Fragile": Blah blah blah Creation blah blah blah let me drive my big car blah blah blah I'm too fat to fit in smaller cars blah blah blah my belt however is very fragile blah blah blah
"Now We Thank People For Obeying The Law?": I agree with Rush, surprisingly. We need to murder all criminals on sight. Then put them in jail forever. The market will sort it out.
"Feminism and the Culture War": Get back in the kitchen, women of America!
"Multiculturalism": Whites did everything worth doing so why teach about anyone else? It's an interesting question the Big Fella raises, but unfortunately instead of finishing the rest of the chapter he devours an ice cream sundae for the last two pages.
"The Rodney King Affair": The nigger deserved it.
"Gorbasms: Always Fake": Blah blah Russians are evil blah blah blah
"The Fraud of Homelessness Advocacy": Yes, yes, Rush hates the homeless since they aren't as fat as him. We get it already.
"What Happened To Hollywood?": Once the Holocaust happened, the Jews migrated to Hollywood and Jewed it up. OBVIOUSLY.
"The Socialist Utopians": Here Flabbo tells us of how self-reliance will cause all people of America to become rich somehow. If you tell people to do it themselves, their good feelings will will a living wage into their pockets! And then everyone will work to feed Rush Limbaugh, and it will usher in an amazing world of greatness.
"Who Needs The Media When They've Got Me?": Well, people who want something closer to truth than masturbation fantasies about Ronald Reagan and recipes for chocolate covered drumsticks.
"Religion and America: They Do Go Together": They're like Abbott & Costello! Laurel & Hardy! Sectarian violence & Iraq! Church & State together forever, no matter what those Jewocrats in San Fransicko say!
"Ronald Reagan: Setting The Record Straight": Ronald Reagan stopped the Cold War, killed communism, made everyone richer through supply-side economics, defeated the Devil, won several Oscars, delivered the baby Jesus, went back in time to lead the Revolutionary War, went back in time to develop the Atomic Bomb, and his tears created the cure for polio. What I described above is less radically untrue than Limbaugh wrote in his chapter. I'd also like to mention how Limbaugh begins the chapter by quoting...himself. In such a way which leads you to believe he founded America back in the 18th century. What an arrogant douchebag. Actually, I retract that. Douchebags see the inside of women more often than Rushie.
"Year of the Outsiders": In the final chapter, our author talks about Pat Buchanan and Ross Perot...as though they were real political candidates and not escaped patients from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
"Bill Clinton, you're well known, sir, for your lenient
stance on niggerism. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by
niggers, your family tied up in the basement with watermelons in their mouths,
you try to open the door but there's too much gin & juice on the knob-"
"Uh, what is your question."
"My question is about the budget, sir."
The first thing I noticed about the book was the writing style employed, and how remarkably it reminds me of Big Man's stupid radio show. Lots of complaints about how things suck and how these relatively unimportant matters signify the moral and structural decay of the United States of America. The typical black and white moral view and the incredibly hilarious view "We can do anything to the environment, it'll bounce back" all stink of Fat Man stink. Often Rush tries to inject humor into his rants about how the Secular Commie Jews steal his money through taxes but it fails miserably. Song parodies? Condom commercials? Feminazi trading cards? I'm not offended as a liberal, I'm offended as a comedian. Rush really needs to learn what he's good at, what he has a natural talent for: not writing, not comedy, not complex political thought, not telling the truth, not conversation, not ability to not make people recoil in horror, but eating. He's great at eating, one of the sharpest prospects I've seen since Prince Fielder bloated onto the scene. I figure Rush could beat that Kobayashi jerk easily. Hell, he could eat the Kobayashi jerk, easily, even. At least the book comes complete with appendix, a way to learn what the fuck Rush says half the time with a helpful list of vocabulary words he often uses. Oddly enough, I found every word in his appendix also on the McDonald's menu.
Rush didn't even write the book, not really. He taped a bunch of his rants about how Bill Clinton tried to assassinate President Reagan and how we must bomb abortion clinics to show them how we should all be pro-life, sent them to some hapless intern and forced the sap to transcribe them into book form. I suppose it explains why the chicken eating sounds were edited out. But isn't it cheating? To write a book, in my mind, you need to type words. Or write words. Or something where your fingers create words using some machine or device, from laptop to pens to a syringe filled with your own blood. Writing a book needs to involve writing on some fucking step on the process. I don't even care if it's to write down what he wants at Pizza Hut. Just write something, you fucking whale.
Even Nazis hate Rush Limbaugh!
As any astute or even incredibly dumb reader will notice, I had less than no fun reading this book. I gained nothing from reading this 'book' either than finally updating the site's books section. The Way Things Ought To Be only instilled my preconceived notions about Spinlactus - he's fat, bullets bounce off of him due to his fatness, he worships the Republican Party and automatically hates anything given the liberal tag [and paradoxically, gives the liberal tag to everything he hates], and his favorite Whopper is the Double Extreme Whopper with extra grease. His ego astounds me. He actually credits himself as "Rush H. Limbaugh, III". Yes, and I'm Henry H. Godlike the XXVIII! My suggestion for the 'way things ought to be'? Rush ought to shut up and get off his moral high horse when he gets addicted to painkillers, sexes up Sean Hannity on the down low and drinks Ronald Reagan's blood and semen in an effort to become immortal.
Awful, though at least I got to lash out at the blubberiest people around: fat people.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.