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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the Pundits
by Doom and John Madden
Let Freedom Ring by Sean Hannity vs. Red, White and Liberal by Alan Colmes
Pundits are widespread in our political culture, like burger wrappers and soft drink containers on any highway road. Unnecessary eyesores detrimental to the environment, and that's exactly why they're a key component of FOX NEWS' evening lineup! Bill 'Spin' O'Reilly! John 'Stop the spics at any cost' Gibson! Sean 'Jerking off all over America' Hannity! Alan 'The Pushover' Colmes! Today's Grudgematch focuses on the last two mentioned, the two who took time out of their busy hackery schedules to write books. If the books base themselves off of reality, then Alan Colmes' book will be about 20 pages and Hannity's will be about 180 pages, 20 of those dedicated to telling Alan Colmes to shut up. Remember, the spin stops here, these colors don't run, and freedom is on the rise.
Let Freedom Ring: For pundit books, you can always tell what the book is like by looking at the cover. Sean Hannity standing with his broad shoulders and asshole grin, in front of an American flag while the title at the battle claims to know the secret to winning the war against liberalism. The broad shoulders give off a sense of Hannity's importance and strongness as a red blooded American [note, red blooded means red blooded, not Communist blooded, you Goddamn pinko]. The flag tells us Hannity's an American and he loves America and don't tread on him because those colors don't run unlike the liberal fags protesting and smoking pot for a cut and run strategy [hippies like that pinko Murtha]. The title of the book is also great, Let Freedom Ring. It connects Sean Hannity to freedom and if you hate Sean Hannity you therefore hate freedom, right? So shut up and stop dissenting if you want to show your love of freedom.
Red, White and Liberal: Alan Colmes, in all his Jewy glory, sitting at a desk, smiling his Jewy smile. No American flag in sight, much less prominently in the background. What does this mean? It means Colmes is a big, big, big, big, big, big faggy fag. Beyond the obvious 'he's really unattractive, what with the piano key teeth Rich Uncle Skeleton smile and the balding baby hair', one notices his utter lack of patriotism. Where's Old Glory? Where's an eagle? Statue of Liberty? Liberty Bell? McDonald's? Mall of America? Halliburton? Certainly not on this cover, no paragons of American virtues on the cover at ALL. You really start to wonder where his loyalties truly lie. America or the Taliban? I'm no expert, only an alumnus of Pundit U, but I'm pretty 100% sure he's a terrorist, if he wasn't he'd at least throw a flag into the background because a core American value is exploiting and manipulating people through images they all know, such as the eagle, the flag, charred corpses from the World Trade Center attacks...
DA WINNAH: Let Freedom Ring from a pundit standpoint...but I hate Sean Hannity...so the winner is Alan Colmes' Red, White and Liberal.
Let Freedom Ring: In Let Freedom Ring, Sean Hannity writes about a multitude of topics and targets: the CIA's amoral dealings, borders, defense, abortion, the pledge, taxes, just to name a few of the matters of the country he talks about. And when discussing each and every of the above, he targets one group and one group only: Democrats. Sure, you nitpickers might say, "Oh, but there's a difference between gays and Democrats or the poor and Democrats or terrorists and Democrats", but not to our boy Hannity. All of them fly their commie freak flag at the donkey show. Every problem in the nation can and is pinned on the donkey [ANOTHER JOKE REFERRING TO DEMOCRATS]. His choices are typically Republican faves and there's not much innovation here. It's like he wrote the book entirely by RNC Mad Libs. _____ caused the poor to steal money/food from you like pigeons. ________ caused 9/11. ________ kills babies regularly. _____ started the Civil War. The correct answer for all of the above Mad Libs is...Democrats [Nancy Pelosi for the last blank].
Red, White and Liberal: Alan Colmes on the other hand, targets Republicans instead of Democrats. The War on Terror, Civil Liberties or lack thereof, Jesus, Bill Clinton, the liberal media all merit inclusion in Colmes' eyes. So essentially he wrote a rebuttal to Sean Hannity's book. "The liberals control the media." "No, they don't." "The War on Terror is a rousing success." "No, it's not." "Bill Clinton drank women's blood and swam in a pit of human skulls." "No, he didn't." "Jesus approves of killing sandniggers." "No, he doesn't." And so on and so forth. The hilarious part is when in Let Freedom Ring Hannity complains about liberals being more media savvy, yet in Red, White and Liberal Colmes whines about conservatives being more media savvy. Me am not finishing to think Colmes isn't bizarro Hannity!
DA WINNAH: Draw. They cover the same exact topics, only switching the target from Republicans to Democrats or from Democrats to Republicans, depending on which book you're reading.
Let Freedom Ring: As I've learned from his television appearances and now this book, Sean Hannity speaks and writes in an obscure and esoteric offshoot of the Romantic languages known to historians as "Newt Gingrich" but the average joe on the street knows it as "blowhard". Well, it turns out for his style of book, the best language to write it in, like Latin poetry, is his native language of blowhard. The guy tugs at the heartstrings by invoking 9/11 over and over again, does the whole fearmongering comedy routine, and decries the death of the successful rich white straight man as though he's being wiped out by the Mexicans. He's not really very verbose or structurally complicated, but people who are such things, according to him, are "homosexualist anti-Americans".
Red, White and Liberal: Red, White and Liberal sets the bar way lower in terms on confrontational blowhardiness. His more subtle and even-handed, let's consider the facts, incorporate evidence supporting my point and conclude with a fairly reasonable analysis writing style is way too faggy, and by extension too liberal even though he isn't really very liberal at all. I suspect Colmes' non-confrontational, let's take it easy approach to writing this book stems from the fear of Sean Hannity bursting through the door to yell at him and tell him to shut up while appearing oddly broad shouldered. "No, no, don't beat me again, Hannity! I swear I'll go along with your liberal media lie this time! I swear!"
DA WINNAH: Red, White and Liberal. I'd rather drink my own radioactive semen than read one more page of Hannity's "Exploit 9/11 off the starboard bough! Call progressive thinkers gay communists! Have intellectualism walk the plank, yarrrr!" garbage. So, not surprisingly, Colmes wins this round even though I'm not exactly a fan of his writing either.
Let Freedom Ring: No matter his other faults, like the pithy "doesn't know what he's talking about" or "is obviously a slack-jawed moron" or "masturbates all over Ground Zero to further his punditry career", Hannity knows one thing and knows it well: punditry. The Doomtionary defines punditry as: "The use of yelling, screaming and so on in place of an actual insight or point". Oh, and blindly supporting one end of the political spectrum and blaming everything on the other end of the political spectrum. As you can easily see, punditry is inherently Hannity. It's hard to think of anyone less pundit-like, maybe O'Reilly, but even he divorces himself from Bush on some issues [like advocating we kill all Muslims just to be on the safe side].
Red, White and Liberal: Alan Colmes sucks at being a pundit and the book he wrote proves it. For instance, he devotes an entire chapter to what the Right does right. Do you see Hannity writing about how some of ADOLF HOWARD DEANLER's ideas are good? No, you don't. Punditry involves yelling and anger and screaming and accusing others of homosexuality/aiding terrorism [same thing, right?]. Colmes does none of the above very well. He needs to take his balls out of his purse and step up to anger with whale cance-er, uh, I mean, punditry. It's obviously why FOX NEWS hired him to be on their channel, if he had a spine FOX NEWS watchers might finally realize that there's a different political philosophy other than Republican! And that would incite riots or at least lower ratings.
DA WINNAH: If you've ever fucking seen an episode of Hannity & Colmes, the answer is obvious. Hannity's Let Freedom Ring by a landslide.
Let Freedom Ring: As I said to Terry Bradshaw when he was divorced for the third time, "You gotta double back and fill the hole!" And Hannity does exactly what needs to do by filling in all the holes in his gameplan. He covers how 9/11 offends him, how liberals offend him, and how the New Orleans Saints and their weak offense offend him! He's got a play for everywhere on the field and he knows the best indignation for every possible situation in the book writing game. 9/11? Reverent indignation. Terrorism? Angry indignation. Homosexuality? Confused indignation. Pittsburgh Steelers? Indignation consisting of going down the middle and scoring more touchdowns than the Pittsburgh Steelers. Hannity's one of the rawest indignation talents I've ever seen, and I've seen Howard Cosell drunken, naked and cursing out Mexicans!
Red, White and Liberal: By comparison, Alan Colmes is just like the San Francisco 49ers: weak, useless, pathetic and lacking in a good running back depth chart! For indignation, you gotta get hungry for it and Colmes just isn't hungry for it. A fine example of this is when he debunks the idea of the liberal media. Now here's a great opportunity for a pump-fake indignation play or the Anger Ollie-Ollie Oxenfree play, but he uses neither, instead 'making' points, a path destined for no indignation. He's using the playbook designed for a Weak-Coast Offense or an Arizona Cardinals anything! Frankly I wouldn't even put Alan Colmes as a backup behind Mark Brunell, he's so untalented at indignation.
DA WINNAH: Let Freedom Ring by Sean Hannity. He talks a good game and he plays a good one too, unlike Alan Colmes who can do neither!
In a rout, it's…wait, what?! A tie?! How can it be a tie? I better let my good buddy Jeb Bush recount the wins and losses. …Hm, according to my good buddy Jeb Bush, Sean Hannity's Let Freedom Ring won easily, 5-0, totally kicking the ass of his sycophant sidekick Alan Colmes. I don't think my good buddy Jeb Bush is telling the truth. I better ask my good buddy Wally O'Dell of Diebold. …Yup, he tallied them all on his Diebold machine. I guess it's true. Sean Hannity's Let Freedom Ring wins.