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Entourage Stole EVERYTHING from Steve Niles
by Steve Niles
One night Steve Niles WASN'T fucking YOUR girlfriend, Steve Niles watched a show on HBO called ENTOURAGE. Steve Niles was shocked to find out that HBO STOLE THE LIFE STORY OF STEVE NILES AND TURNED IT INTO THEIR SHOW ENTOURAGE. While Steve Niles is in process of leaving threatening answering machine messages on the HBO executives' ANSWERING MACHINES, Steve Niles might as well tell you sorry motherfuckers what this show stole from me and why my life is much more COOLER AND MORE FUCKING AWESOME than Vincent Chase's life on Entourage. Strap yourselves and FEEL THE G'S, MOTHERFUCKERS, BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING ON ANOTHER STEVE NILESVENTURE, BITCHES!
WHAT THOSE HBO JEW FAGGOTS STOLE FROM STEVE NILES
ALL OF THE CHARACTERS AND ALL OF THE STORIES. I'll go through each main character and tell you WHO THEY'RE REALLY BASED ON:
VINCENT CHASE - Completely based on AWESOME MOTHERFUCKER Steve BADASS Niles. Look at the facts. Incredibly attractive, huge cock, successful career, HUGE MANSION, tons of women ready to drop their pants for him, who else can it be based on but STEVE NILES? In fact, the Season 1 story where Vince stars with Jessica Alba in HEAD ON and then indie film QUEENS BOULEVARD is exactly like when Niles the Great worked on INCREDIBLY POPULAR SERIES Hellspawn, the same time where Jessica Alba GAVE HEAD TO STEVE FUCKING NILES and then instead of taking a POPULAR COMIC, which I could've, because I'm THE BEST WRITER MOTHERFUCKING EVER. MOVE THE FUCK OVER, WRINKLY STAN LEE, I'M SCHOOLING YOU WITH BETTER CHARACTERS THAN YOUR FUCKING FAGTASTIC FOUR AND SPIDER-COCK, LIKE KNIFEFACE AND FACEPUKE, Steve Niles wrote an adaptation of Disney's THE BLACK CAULDRON, an awesome indie comic filled with blood and tits and BLOODSPLOSIONS! In the second season, the Aquaman arc is taken from when Steve Niles wrote 30 Days of Night and had to decide between whether that kickass badass motherfucker wanted to do the comic or fuck Mandy Moore. 30 Days of Night ended up being THE MOST POPULAR COMIC BOOK EVER.
Now in Season 3, Vince struggled with finding a post Aquaman project AWESOME ENOUGH FOR HIM. So did STEVE NILES after 30 Days of Night won TIME MAGAZINE'S MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD. Originally Steve Niles was gonna do 40 Days of Night but then that FUCKING SEMENMILKER OVER AT IDW SCREWED ME. So my next project was gonna be A COMIC BOOK VERSION OF METALLICA ENTITLED 'METALLICA WITH VAMPIRES' until my AGENT screwed me on the deal. How does the story end for Steve Niles and therefore Vince? IT ENDS IN LOTS AND LOTS OF WOMEN GETTING FUCKED BY ME. And who can forget the time I vanquished my FORMER AGENT JEWY SILVER using only my PINKY FINGER BECAUSE I'M A GOD OF MARTIAL ARTS. If next season of Entourage has Vince saving a child from a burning building using only his COCK, then I'll KNOW HBO ripped me off. I did the same EXACT thing after I wrote Criminal Macabre, BITCHES!
ERIC MURPHY - Vincent Chase's best friend. Who is STEVE NILES' BEST FRIEND? Thomas Jane, BITCHES! Yes, Thomas Jane worked as STEVE NILES' manager since the only person who can tame STEVE NILES is someone half as awesome as him and only one person in the world is HALF AS AWESOME AS THE GUY WHO BROKE SEVEN VAGINAS DUE TO HOW BIG HIS COCK IS: Thomas Jane. Thomas Jane got me the jobs of Criminal Macabre, The Nail and Bad Planet, plus SOME SHIT WITH ROB ZOMBIE, that's how awesome he did as MANAGER OF STEVE NILES. Unfortunately for HIM, I had to fire him as manager after I stole his GIRLFRIEND, but we're all cool now and sometimes I even let him fuck her when I don't have her in DEEP CRYOGENIC FUCK STORAGE.
JOHNNY DRAMA - COMIC HACK and untalented SMALL PENIS Chuck Austen. He's not my brother but once WE SHARED A PROSTITUTE. Steve Niles never paid but Chuck Austen paid her. WHAT A PATHETIC SORRY MOTHERFUCKER. After that he started hanging around me and leeching off me because I'm A COOL BADASS MOTHERFUCKING KING OF THE COMICS INDUSTRY. I felt sorry for him because if nothing else, STEVE NILES IS A GOD OF COMPASSION FOR MANKIND, ESPECIALLY WEEPY CHICKS CAUSE THEY'RE EASIER TO FUCK! Steve Niles let Chuck Austen, known then as CHUCK AWESOME, do his cooking and other menial tasks THE NILESTER IS TOO AWESOME TO DO HIMSELF. We parted company when CHUCK AWESOME tried to steal my idea for VAMPIRES IN OUTER SPACE, but otherwise if I see him waiting outside a CLUB I let him hang with me cause there's no way THAT FAG WOULD GET INTO THE CLUB BY HIMSELF.
TURTLE - My old assistant, PLATYPUS JONES. Platypus carried my bags and GHOSTWROTE a lot of the stories I didn't write myself due to them NOT BEING AWESOME ENOUGH IDEAS FOR ME TO WRITE ABOUT. Platypus also wanted to become a rapper, BUT TOO BAD HE SUCKED TOO MUCH TO BE A RAPPER. Steve Niles, however, found great success with his FIRST ALBUM AS NILESENSTEIN, THE N-WORD. Platypus never forgot it and REMAINED BITTER AT STEVE NILES' AWESOMENESS UNTIL HE DIED IN A SMALL PENIS RELATED ACCIDENT.
ARI GOLD - OBVIOUSLY AN ANALOGUE FOR MY FORMER AGENT JEWY SILVER. Me and Jewy Silver go way back, back to High School when I fucked the entire cheerleading team and he was studying to become a Jewish guy. We met later on in life when Steve Niles BROKE WILL CHAMBERLAIN'S RECORD after writing 30 Days of Night. Jewy offered to represent me and I accepted, not knowing how he'd later CRAMP NILES' STYLE! After THE NAIL, he put restrictions on STEVE NILES, like only 10 fucking women a day instead of 30. THIS REALLY PISSED ME OFF. It got even worse when JEWY SILVER FAILED TO GET STEVE NILES THE METALLICA WITH VAMPIRES GIG, SO I FIRED HIM AND REPLACED HIM WITH STEVE NILES' TRUSTED ALLY, STEVE NILES' SUPERCOCK. The 20 foot behemoth led me to a job at DC COMICS, working on the kickass new miniseries The Creeper. FINAL LESSON: NEVER TRUST JEWS.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH STEVE NILES' NEW SHOW ON SHOWTIME CALLED STEVE NILES' GROUP ATTENDING AND FOLLOWING STEVE NILES
I'm putting together a new show on Showtime called STEVE NILES' GROUP ATTENDING TO AND FOLLOWING STEVE NILES, the REAL story of Steve Niles' success, as opposed to the HATCHET JOB HBO did with Entourage. For one, it won't be CENSORED by HBO's STANDARDS. It'll show STEVE NILES [played by JOHNNY DEPP] fucking every single girl he ever fucked [I'M THE BODY DOUBLE]. And the original line "LET'S COCKPUNCH IT OUT, BITCH!" instead of the GAY LAME "Let's hug it out, bitch!" Secondly, it'll be more realistic, so NILESMANIACS, you finally get to see me ans my HOMIES fighting vampires in Alaska, like I did in 2003. AND the time I sent myself back in time to STOP THE NAZIS FROM WINNING WORLD WAR II. Third, BETTER ACTORS. Johnny Depp as ME, Thomas Jane as THOMAS JANE, David Marciano as CHUCK AWESOME, THE FAT GUY FROM THE SOPRANOS AS PLATYPUS, and WOODY ALLEN AS JEWY SILVER. Way more awesome than those Entourage fags!
I know a lot of you fucking DICKSUCKERS out there are gonna say, "But wait, isn't Entourage based on MARK WAHLBERG's career?" To that I say to you: SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I USE MY COCK AS A LIGHTSABER AND CUT YOU IN FUCKING HALF YOU GODDAMN FAGGOT! Now go read my comics and rock out to STEVE NILES' favorite band's new CD, PUKEFIST - A PUKEFUL OF FIST OR I'LL STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND, FUCKERS!