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Dick Morris in: Condi vs. Hillary: The Most Pornographic Presidential Race Ever
by Doom
I see he rifled through enough trash to write a new book again!
Also known as Birdman vs. Madame Hydra (if horribly scarred)
The thing I like about conservative books is, quite often, they stand the test of time for maybe 2 weeks before becoming outdated and meaningless. For example, the bushel of books published during the run-up to Iraq to prove how much they would greet us as liberators become funny now in retrospect (especially Bill "Hitler" Kristol's The War Over Iraq, which I'll be reviewing after I finish reading it, aka whenever I get in a new bottle of scotch). John Gibson's Hating America predicates its argument on things outdated (Iraq a success) or never existent in the first place (Iraqi people loving us) as well. And, of course, Dick Morris. Every so often, the FOX NEWS special contributor hacks out a manuscript or a public TV appearance predicting how elections will go, from candidates to which side takes the Congress or White House. And almost every single time, he's wrong. And not just wrong in a minor way. I mean wrong-wrong. Spectacularly wrong. Steeped in wrongness. Thus, you could read his book on its original release date and it'd still be as inaccurate and as hilarious as if you read it 2 years later. Yet I'm gonna do a retrospective review anyway. Funny is funny.
Truth be told, the title Condi vs. Hillary may be a bit misleading for Dick Morris' slavering Neanderthal 'readers' (i.e. all of his readers). It's more appropriate to title it something like, I dunno, Dick Morris Really Hates Hillary And Has Jungle Fever For Condi Rice. For those who don't know, Dick Morris carved a career out for himself in the late 90s out of (solely) criticizing the Clintons for their far-left agenda. He frequently sells books promising scores of secrets about the two, which he does have some claim to. Before becoming a hack commentator for FOX NEWS, Morris worked for the 1996 Clinton campaign. Then he got caught with a prostitute and resigned gracefully, but not before all of America found out Dick Morris loved to toe suck. Oh, God. Ever since then, he's transformed into a bitter old hack trying to peddle any secret about Clinton that conservatives can masturbate to. He sees politics as an epic sci-fi action film, and manages to overdramatize every single flourish of a political happening. Remember the guy who used to write Star Wars fanfiction in school? The one everyone beat up and mocked? He's grown up and replaced Luke with Newt Gingrich.
Chapter summaries!
1. "Setting the Stage": The first chapter sets up the basic premise of the book: if Hillary runs, Condi must also run. Now, not only has that been proven to be untrue through, you know, REALITY, the logic makes little sense even within a vacuum. Morris says only a woman could defeat another woman for the Presidency, sorta like the way a only the Flash can defeat the Reverse-Flash. What about, uh, men? Considering a woman President has never existed and Americans still seem to not trust women to do a decent job running the country [insert Rush Limbaugh misogynistic joke here], and guys like Rudy Giuliani are much more popular than Condoleezza Rice in the past, present and future (I could list more, but I'm leaving the argument in its 2004-2005 context)...Dick Morris' argument is shitty and specious. So he sets the stage with bullshit theories and incoherent logic. Sounds like classic Dick Morris to me!
2. "President Hillary: How It Can Happen": $$$
3. "How Condi Can Beat Hillary": Interesting title. I too want to see how someone who's not even running for President can beat Hillary Clinton. I bet it involves magic! [reads the chapter] Damn, no magic. He does go into a long spiel about the history of the black vote in the United States, yet despite his fairly accurate retelling of the switch from Republican to Democratic allegiance (he forgets to note the Democrats became more liberal and the Republicans more conservative), he still comes to the conclusion that Condi Rice could very well split the black vote and magically create black Republicans out of thin air. Even if that did happen, Hillary has the black vote sewn up due to Bill Clinton being her "husband", a President beloved by blacks on level with JFK. Basically, Morris thinks Condi's double handicap is a way for the Republicans to increase their black and female votes, as though women and black people just vote for those who look like them. If it were true, black voters would not have already expressed a preference for Hillary over Barack Obama (to be fair, Obama may turn out to be a gremlin or the Joker before 2008 rolls around). So, in fact, this how to chapter works in a fantasy world that ignores political realities, political trends and political history only.
4. "Being Condoleezza Rice": It's like Being John Malkovich, only shitty.
"It's the Clintons' fault I have a double chin! Waaaaagh!"
5. "Hillary's Senate Record: The Grand Deception": Ah, paydirt. Among other things, Morris accuses Clinton of exploiting 9/11 for personal and for political gain. Quoth the book: "What person would craft such a story to exploit this tragedy for personal gain" ...Rudy Giuliani? He also complains about her lack of legislation about Israel. Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but what the fuck could she have done that the AIPAC-supported senators didn't already do in terms of resolutions expressing sympathy for the tragedy of various "homicide" (yes, they're called that in here) attacks? Should she just randomly shit out bills vaguely referencing Israel? You know what, she also never crafted anything with the words "puppy dogs" in it. HILLARY HATES AIR BUD. Then there's the usual tax and spend bullshit, which deftly avoids answering the question regarding Bush spending without taxing at all, a far worse idea than taxing and then using said tax money on federal departments, programs and projects. Oh, and she opposed travel bans to Cuba and CAFTA, the, quote, "the best hope for ending poverty in our beleaguered neighbors to the south". Free trade did sure help the rest of the world, didn't it, shithead?
6. "Rice at the Pinnacle": This chapter actually taught me quite a lot about Condoleezza Rice, as my knowledge of her past achievements and personal beliefs is elementary at best. Through this chapter, I learned why no one should ever vote her ever ever ever. For example, Rice puts a lot of stock in her faith when making decisions. In fact, Morris says, and I quote, "Rice relies on prayer as she ponders foreign policy questions". She sounds dangerously underqualified to do much of anything (perhaps she could bounce a ball), but the book tries to counteract that by framing her past job experience as something president-like, such as her stint as provost at Stanford. The chapter even goes so far as to compare that position with the presidency. I cannot diagram all the ways in which that's wrong, for it'd take all day and all night.
7. "The Two Hillarys: Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde": I believe I saw this on Cinemax once, late at night. Spectacular pornography. Anyway, Morris makes the point of Hillary having two personalities that she alternates between depending on the situation. Obviously, she is a schizophrenic! Or, wait, maybe she acts differently when put in different situations. You know, like all other human beings. But Hillary ain't no human, so that can't be it.
8. "How Hillary Came to Be Hillary": You see, Hillary's father and mother had sex many years ago, and when you have sex and aren't using a condom or birth control, you run the risk of the woman in relationship getting pregnant, which means a child will be born nine months from then. I believe the entire process is highlighted in hilarious new comedy/drama from genius director and producer Judd Apatow, Knocked Up.
9. "But...": I have to say, this may very well be the most hilarious chapter title to ever exist in book history. This chapter deftly sidesteps all the burning questions related to Condi running, such as "she has no experience", "she does not intend to run", "she's an untalented idiot", etc. Morris believes if enough people support her fake candidacy for President, she will magically want to be President and run. Oh, Richard, you naive rube. I have an asbestos covered car to sell you (the asbestos make it go faster, and make it more fuel efficient)...
10. "2004: The Year Politics Turned Upside Down": Goddamnit, Dick Morris. Don't. DON'T. I hate it when every hack political pundit in the country claims the last election (whatever election it may be) CHANGED HISTORY AND THE ELECTORAL SYSTEM FOREVER. No, it doesn't. Nothing changes the landscape of politics beyond vague, long-term trends playing out over many years, if not decades of elections. Saying so is just cheap punditry by idiots who want to get more money by way of adding manufactured gravitas and excitement to politics, as though it's wrestling or something. In 2004, Shithead Jr. won reelection. How, exactly, did it turn politics upside down, Mr. Morris? Exactly. It didn't, shithead, and no amount of proselytizing the opposite will make it true.
11. "Who Else Is There?": MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE WAITED UNTIL CLOSER TO PRIMARY SEASON BEFORE PUBLISHING YOUR SHITTY BOOK, JACKASS
12. "Secretary of State: What Does the Future Hold for Condi?": Failure, a fucking terrible foreign policy, and public hatred. OOPS SPOILERS
13. "Drafting Condi": Out of all the chapters, this one seems the funniest in retrospect because it entertains the notion of something no one even mentions as a joke now. Drafting Condi. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
14. "President Clinton? President Rice? What Kind of President Would Each Make?": Shitty. There, now you don't have to read the chapter.
It's clear why Dick Morris wrote this: he wants to see himself a catfight. With Bush vs. Kerry or Bush vs. Gore, you have two rich men fighting for the presidency. Nothing hot about it, especially when one of them looks like a slack jawed yokel and the other a cigar store Indian. You can only really masturbate to the match-ups if you imagine them in funny costumes, like a gorilla or an astronaut. But two WOMEN fighting over who gets to be President, suddenly things get a helluva lot hotter. Which makes me wonder why the publishing company put the most unflattering photos possible of Clinton and Rice on the cover. Seriously, no one with an organic dick would fantasize over depictions of a squirrel and a duck anthropomorphized into two female politicians. Anyway, much like the premise, the content is shallow and unnecessary; Morris and his wife (the non-foot loving one) have little to no writing talent in terms of reasoned political insight. Instead, they pitch it with all the gravitas and pseudo-importance of an airport thriller. My favorite instance of this is saying JFK "dramatically" called MLK's wife. I want to know how you call someone in an dramatic fashion.
Books like these, at their base level, work as reverse psychology for the pundit in question who writes them. Let me explain. Dick Morris' future career literally depends on Hillary Clinton either running as the Democratic candidate for President or winning the White House. What the fuck else does he have going for him other than kinda knowing the Clintons at some point in his life? Talent? Charisma? Fuck no. Sure, he could string out a mediocre career of dumpster diving and long buried secret revelations if Clinton went back to a relatively undistinguished career in the Senate, but to really hit the paydirt, Morris needs another 4-8 years of Clintonism. A Clinton in the White House means airing out dirty laundry we've seen before in new, exciting ways to better smear Hillary instead of Bill. Who knows what'll happen if someone whose last name isn't Clinton gets into the White Office. For all we know, Dick Morris could end up living in the gutter, drunkenly rambling about that one time Bill Clinton showed him his plans to construct a Death Star, a Death Star designed to keep electors in check and continue to vote for him in the Electoral College even after the 2-term limit went into effect. The guy must obviously fear for his job security and his sanity; that's why he's giving such a big push to the Clintons. Tis another reason why I oppose Hillary Clinton at every turn; if it gives Morris any continued job opportunities, any possible positives she might have will be far outweighed by the thought of seeing that toe-sucking asshole on FOX NEWS again.
I wanna know how this book got so dry and boring if this picture was the original pitch Dick Morris sent to the publisher.
While it may be completely outdated and meaningless now, I did enjoy reading Condi vs. Hillary...to an extent. I liked how the book jacket referred to this mythical battle as "two women...may be destined to collide on the ultimate field of political battle" in the dramatic style of Flash Gordon shorts. See, if the writing reflected the Superman vs. the Flash-like copy, it could've been interesting or at least entertaining for non-ironic reasons. I also liked Dick's hilarious antipathy for Hillary; it seems so out of nowhere at times, and you definitely get the feeling that Morris harbored a crush for Bill and was therefore jealous of Hillary and willing to snipe at her at any given opportunity. Ten bucks says Dick Morris becomes a serial killer who dresses as Hillary Clinton within the next 5 years. Think Sleepaway Camp meets Psycho.