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Doom Ruins Things For You 1: Harry Potter
by Doom
guest starring Isaiah Washington
Harry Potter IS GAY!
The first man in history whose beard is white as a result of excess semen stains.
Among the fangirl/cat lady circles, the official announcement of Professor Dumbledore's homosexuality has resulted in mass hysteria, in that now they're all rushing to finish their slash fiction and/or revalidate their existing slash fiction. I, too, have positive feelings for the revelation, albeit feelings positive for a diametrically opposed reason to the fangirls' view. I support the newfound homosexuality of Albus Dumbledore because it confirms what I have known all along: Harry Potter is an unholy series of books aimed at indoctrinating children into the homosexual lifestyle and it is in fact gayness, not magic, that drives the events within the books. Other academics like me, such as the late Jerry Falwell, have been saying this for some time, but it's good to see Rowling out and out declare her disgusting intentions for writing books for children. I will use this article to both flesh out my interpretation of the popular series as well as make it so you'll never be able to read any of the books the same way again.
Dumbledore being gay makes the Harry Potter series, as a whole, make a hell of a lot more sense. Think about it. Were you as uncomfortable during the many "Dumbledore and Harry share a private moment" scenes as I was? Did you always find something beyond eccentric about his behavior? This explains everything, man! Everything. Humor my incredibly elaborate theory of the subtext of Dumbledore's homosexuality coming to the forefront and informing all of his decisions throughout the series. Let's start out by explaining his early life (most often seen in the flashbacks of Book 7), shall we? Dumbledore was a talented wizard and homosexual, causing one to remark "[he's] done things with a wand I'd never seen before" (make your own joke). Dumbledore and Grindelwald, aka Wizard Hitler, used to be friends until things went TOO FAR. After this, Dumbledore was emo for decades, living a life of teaching Transfiguration (magical sexual reassignment surgery) and, according to Wikipedia, "served in recruiting students for the school". Recruited for what, you may ask. I think the answer is obvious: HOMOSEXUAL SEX. I don't think it's a coincidence Hogwarts separates the dormitories by house (house basically being what kind of young ass you're interested in), by gender and then by year. Easier classification of students for fucking purposes, right?
Eventually, the esteemed professor must battle his former friend intended lover Hitler, in order to stop Hitler from using an 'Elder Wand' to do something nefarious. Now, I know Rowling wasn't able to call a spade a spade, but 'Elder Wand'? Honestly. Just use the words 'Monster Cock'! Kids wouldn't be that traumatized. So once Hitler is defeated, Dumbledore spends a couple more years being a mentor to young wizards from all corners of the United Kingdom. I'm guessing he was a 'mentor' for a lot more prepubescent boys than girls. But that's just my guess. This position brought him the opportunity to influence a talented young wizard, the one who went on to become Voldemort. It's always been a bit ambiguous as to why he went all Wizard Hitler. But I believe I know the true reason: Voldemort was molested as a boy by Dumbledore, and his plot was really just revenge on Dumbledore for putting him through such trauma (on his penis!). It makes sense, believe me. Why does Voldemort hate halfbloods and mudbloods so much? Because Professor Molestro molests them almost exclusively now, thanks to prime anal real estate such as Harry Potter (also why he tried to off Harry, as an act of mercy to keep him out of Albus' gay clutches). Why did Voldemort seek to make himself immortal? So he could ensure that it'd be impossible for any grizzled old men to break his soul's hymen. His entire M.O. revolved around trying to curb the wizard establishment (represented by Dumbledore)'s taste for 'teaching' young boys. Also, his deformed look shows firsthand the ugly side what sometimes happened when a certain someone was fucking boys while using magic.
The whole anti-Voldemort contingent of the wizarding world, the so-called 'Order of the Phoenix' was a smokescreen for the magical equivalent of a real life organization - NAMBLA. Why else would one of the most prominent members be a school headmaster? And several others school teachers or former school teachers? The Aurors, the Defense Against the Dark Arts, all that shit's merely means for procuring more young bodies to fulfill the sexual desires of the disgusting members' dreams. This explanation even explains why Snape had such a tenuous relationship with the 'good' (aka gay) side of the wizarding world. He wasn't interested in what Voldemort had to offer, but he also wasn't a fag (as evidenced by his hatred of Harry Potter, the little boy Dumbledore used as his personal fuck puppet), so he was constantly ebbing and flowing between helping regular magic (molestation) and the 'dark arts' (notice how the Death Eaters comprise men and women in healthy, heterosexual unions?).
And then there's his most disgusting relationship of all - the one with Harry Potter. Rowling wrote fucking page after page of private chats and quests and what have you between the two, and I'm pretty sure if you read between the lines you find a lot of Dumbledore teaching Harry special tricks with the OTHER wand in his pocket. I'm assuming it all began once Dumbledore set into motion a series of events that would kill off Potter's parents and therefore leave the boy all to himself. He celebrated this by fucking Harry in the grooves of his still-forming scar, thus explaining why the lightning bolt design also eerily resembles the design of a crooked old man cock. But since Dumbledore prefers his boys to have a little on them in the way of developed buttocks, he sent the kid off to his relatives so he could grow up and leave for Hogwarts on his 13th birthday (by then he'd have enough of an ass on him, not to mention a small but impressive penis). There was a Goddamn reason behind Dumbledore picking out Harry as his favorite student just as he entered school, and it's not because the series of books revolves around Harry. It's because Albus wanted to shove his cock down Harry's young throat. And he did. Many. Fucking. Times.
Other evidence points to Dumbledore's sexual arousal for men hampering his job performance. For example, when Harry asks Dumby what he sees in the magic mirror which shows you your true desire, he said a pair of socks. Eccentric behavior? Yes. But it's obscuring his real answer, which is he saw a huge black cock in his mouth. That's his desire. Also, his very death was caused by his refusal to let a prospective piece of ass go to waste. He could have easily have killed Draco Fagboy at any point during Book 6. Yet he didn't kill him, ever! Why? Because he knew Draco had a tight ass and he couldn't bear to let him go without at least trying to tap that. His interest in boys extended to having Snape kill him so Draco would be spared the trauma of killing a man (albeit a pedo fruit). See? Being a fag directly contributed to his ass getting killed! I also have some evidence pointing towards him previously owning a gingerbread house he used as a way to lure in small children for him to put on his long, hard broomstick, but that's circumstantial and won't stand should I decide to rewrite this as an academic study.
I believe my inherent homophobia is not enough to flesh out some aspects (namely the academia or science behind the Professor's cock love) of this article. And since Generalissimo Furioso's been lazy these past few months, I'm calling on Faggot Expert Isaiah Washington (an expert on faggots, not a faggot who is also an expert, as he'll continually tell you) to up the homophobia in this article. Go, Isaiah! Hate those gays!
Yeah, I don't even have to analyze any of this. Dumbledore, and by extension the Harry Potter series as a whole, is completely and utterly faggot. I have never seen such faggot, and I am a licensed doctor in the field of faggotology, so I am an expert on identifying faggots and faggot-related faggotry. I would never let my kids read this faggot bullshit, because I don't want their minds warped into believing this kind of shit is acceptable in our non-faggot society. I actually knew this was faggot from the very start of the series. You know how I knew? It's British. British automatically means faggot, because the British speak in faggot accents, engage in faggot conversation and overall behave in a faggot manner. It makes me sick to my heterosexual stomach. Faggot this and faggot that. Faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot. I don't want MY children turned into homosexual faggots, so I'm glad I had the foresight to ban this book outright before its fagosity was revealed to the general public by fag hag J.K. Rowling. As a doctor of preventative faggot, I advise you burn all copies of the books that you see and then kick Patrick Dempsey's white ass for getting me fired just for telling it like it is (T.R. Knight is a faggot!).
Don't inform me of your progress, because hearing secondhand of faggotry is almost as bad as seeing it firsthand. Don't want to catch AIDS.
Thanks, Mr. Washington.
Rowling's business with Dumbledore is not unprecedented. In the third book she put in a lot of gay subtext with Professor Lupin, the werewolf who kept his werewolf status in the closet because he didn't want anyone to find out. See, if people found out, parents would send tons of letters telling the school they didn't want their kids learning from a filthy werewolf, who was apt to eat them or at least eat their little kid cocks. This werewolf-as-homo plot thread resurfaces in the later books when Fenrir Greyback, who prefers to bite children and turn them to the werewolf lifestyle, shows up. Biting children as a means to make them 'werewolves'? Where have we heard that before? Oh yeah, in homosexual tracts promising lots of 'fun' to kids who accept the sexual gifts a mangy old man (like Fenrir) has to offer. It seems Rowling writes an awful lot about bearded old men telling young boys what is right and what is wrong, and what kind of penetration feels right. Don't be surprised if her next book involves Allen Ginsberg showing a 12 year old a 'groovy' new way to express himself. Mark my words, people!
I don't think there's a real hidden agenda behind Rowling's work other than her being of the mindset shared by all the fangirl freaks who read her bullshit. Love between men is teh cool so let's NAMBLA it up and have the wisened old man fuck the impressionable youth in their asses while still teaching them valuable lessons about 'magic' (actually a made-up pyramid scheme to explain the anal tearing and other misfortunes post-coitus in aggressive man-to-boy sex). However, Rowling's writing's appeal makes the child molestation world enticing enough to millions of children across the globe such that I would not be surprised if kid fiddler organizations get a second wind and the oft-mentioned NAMBLA became more of a paramilitary kid fucking organization and less of a comedy punchline. The acceptance of Dumbledore in popular culture sets the precedent for allowing old men to screw your kids without raising so much as an eyebrow. Maybe there ARE subliminal messages within the Potter series meant to resurrect NAMBLA and create a worldwide revolution of boy fucking. If I die before I investigate this fully, please, Alex Jones, follow in my footsteps.