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Myspace Loser of the Week: Week the Fifth: Indie, and I'm Not Talkin' Harrison Ford
by Doom, Rammspieler and Scarecrow
Another week, another pioneer in internet stupidity profiled. This time we're diverging from the 'mainstream' of Myspace and going for someone a little more indie. And of course by indie I mean more melodramatic, faggy, and with much worse music tastes. Behold the wonder that is Velvet Porcelain Boy!
http://www.myspace.com/withaph
Yes, it's none other than Stupid Wuss Man!
The overarching theme on his page is Madonna, which shows that he's either gay or he stepped out of a time machine from 1986..... as a gay man. Honestly, who likes Madonna anymore? The answer would be 'no one without outstanding psychological problems'. One will also take note of several key things that crop up here by just looking at what he has written. We see that Stupid Wuss Man (from now on known as SWM) is a graphic design major (because we can never have enough people in the world who will spend time and money on taking a post-secondary course on how to use overpriced photo editing software that has been pirated to hell by everyone that is making more interesting art than graphics design majors!), he makes electronic music, does yoga, is a Kabbalahist and is into androgyny (which in itself is grounds for being accused of being gay, despite most indie hipster males make vehement denials that just because they like to use fake vintage pink kids t-shirts and girl's pants, they are as straight as All-American male role model Cobra!). Probably worst of all is his listing of "irony" as an interest. Unless he enjoys the "irony" in acting as homosexual as possible yet consently asserting his male, straight prowness. What does this all prove boys and girls? What we here at the Raider and every other rant site can tell you. That the whole indie movement is anything BUT independent!
I'll give him credit for one thing though. At least he likes Orgy and that's coming from an industrial metal fan who can only bring himself to like one or two songs out of each album they make because the rest isn't even worth the album price. The rest is surprisingly not indie because half of the bands are played on MTV, like Incubus and Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service. The rest of them just sound fake, like VHS or Beta (no DVD love, indie guys?) and Mirwais. That's the way you can tell that you have indie cred: you can make up band names that people will say that they've heard of because they don't want to look like an uncultured mainstreamer. Yes, Allah forbid some jackass hasn't heard of Jack's Mannequin and doesn't understand the deep, meaningful idiosyncracies of their music. "We're all tied to strings, maaaannnnn".
I like the bottom row of pics if only because there is an underlying theme of suicide and self-mutilation, as shown by the presence of the vague outline of a razorblade and the fact that SWM is implying that there is no better way to take time our from the world than by rolling up one's sleeves and cutting up! Although, I do have a hard time believing he'd have the balls to do so hands on. He seems more like a bridge guy, a tall one, too. He'd want the time to recite his favorite obscure, quasi-literary poetry. I would have screen-capped the uppermost row of pics because in those he had this whole camera shutter a la James Bond thing going on.
I'd like to take the opportunity to thank SWM, though. Thank you for being the definition of a stereotype. For you allow people to not waste their time properly judging and analyzing you as a singular person as opposed to just assuming due to what group you belong in. It sure saved us a few minutes! What's probably most sad about this article is that SWM will most likely get a confidence boost from it (which, believe us, is the exact opposite of our intent) seeing as how from the millions of androgenous, Myspace-loving, indie fucks, we chose him. He'll think he's an individual. No worries, though. SWM, buddy, you've been picked for a reason that couldn't be further than breaking away from the pack or, hell, even leading it: You're just running right along in the midst of it.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week:
Week 1: Autistic Josh
Week 2: Lor the Whore
Week 3: Juggalo Brandon
Week 4: Usagi Kou