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MYSPACE LOSER OF THE WEEK
by Doom
Week 13: The Next Generation will destroy the world.
I don't understand kids. I just don't. Maybe that makes me an old man in the body of a younger man, but it's true. Children, teenagers, they're all a mystery because of the Gallagher-esque decline of youth. There was a point in which a new generation could challenge the ideas of the old and actually make a difference, or have kickin' new music at least. These days are long past however, as the youth of this country are content sitting around and downloading new shit to their iPod while choosing a new hi-larious ringtone for their popular movie emblazoned cell phone. In hopes of understanding today's youth, I embarked on a mission to find out what the youth are like. After an intensive 15 minutes, my conclusion: kids are fucking idiots.
http://www.myspace.com/x_billy_monster_x
Awful.
First thing to note is that name. The use of 'x' is often attributed to the straight edge movement, the movement that makes abstinence look cool. Usually the straight edge insignia comes in the form of 'xxx', probably to be ironic as 'xxx' is certainly not something one would think of when one says 'punks combined with hippies, without the drugs'. Then is the quote that appears in the left hand corner box: "~$cuti3 with the b00ty$~"" My question is, what language is this. Can anyone tell me that? Such incoherence and gibberish is typical of teenagers. That statement is positively Dickens-esque when compared to this grammatical atrocity, filed under interests: "going to maya gymnastic classes and watching her with hella my friends" WHY IS HELLA INCLUDED. WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT SERVE?! IT MAKES NO SENSE, IT DESTROYS THE SENTENCE! BRAIN CONTRACTING...HEAD GETTING NUMB...
If Billy here is the norm and not the outlier, kids are also into polygamy these days. He has not just a girlfriend but also a boyfriend, and also showing that bisexuality is also the common trend among teenagers with nothing better to do with their lives. Billy also has problems keeping continuity within himself, stating once to be 18 years old while his profile identifies him as 17 years old. "i love fun i hate chocolate dangerous things r sooo fuckin kool!! i am bi!! and lovin it!!! anything else i 4got 2 tell u them let me know" indicates that I shouldn't hold my breath on this guy entering the field of medicine or anthropology. With good ol' Bill, the surface is all that's there, and even the surface in and of itself is shallow as far as surfaces go! However, he does make $250,000 purportedly, and that makes me die inside.
Interests are rather amusing because of the pronounced lack of taste. Musically he's a fan of goth music, you know, music that's trying to banish its listeners to a Pinocchio esque land where one never has to grow up and shitty goth poetry is always in style. For films, it's more of the same - shitty horror movies that don't even try to be good, but bask in their own shittiness in the hopes that people will love them ironically, or that there are people without brainstems who will hail it as a masterpiece of freak cinema. I'm tending to view Bill here as the latter of those classifications. Since horror television other than Buffy and Black. White. is a rare commodity, instead this 'human' (?) turns to teen dramas like The O.C. and Dawson's Creek. Like the rest of America, he doesn't read books, well, other than the Harry Potter series.
For my final point, I will analyze his 'about me' and 'who'd I like to meet', tirelessly attempting to translate the text and figure out what exactly he's trying to say.
About me:
hey names billy i play electric guitar im 18 i gotta car and a house. He is
listing his commodities, which are not in any way unique as there are many teens
who think they can play guitar, as well as teens who have cars and live in
houses. my gurlfriendz name iz maya( don't mess wit her we r happy).
This is a bit confusing as a statement because he shows no effort in linking
together the idea of not messing with his girlfriend and stating their level of
happiness. A 'because', a comma, or any other sort of at least elementary effort
in linking would have been appreciated, not to mention the genocidal level of
spelling abuse. my friend benji and
his gurl christina iz on here 2. Now this sentence is just completely useless
given the popularity of Myspace, more often than not idiot friends would be on
Myspace so it's idiotic to note that in an 'about me' section. ummm...... i love fun i hate chocolate
dangerous things r sooo fuckin kool!! [brain melts] i am bi!! and lovin it!!!
Until the phase is grown out of and the struggle for acceptance that so many
people face is inconsequential! anything else i
4got 2 tell u them let me know
Who I'd like to meet:
sum koo azz ppl who dont judge me cause im bi and just know im not that easy!lol
This is the part of the pedophile's game plan that involves sweaty, creepy
messages and allegations of knowing a person's address without the information
being readily given.
The ultimate reason why the world and this country is fucked is that the youth movement isn't anything. There is no youth movement to do anything. A bunch of shiftless layabouts is what they are, more concerned with ringtones than pressing political, environmental, social and foreign concerns. But who really does care about all that rubbish when there's Desperate Housewives to TiVo?!?!?!
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week:
Week 1: Autistic Josh
Week 2: Lor the Whore
Week 3: Juggalo Brandon
Week 4: Usagi Kou
Week 5: Stupid Wuss Man
Week 6: Jordan Powell
Week 7: Pat Lee
Week 8: Flora Bush
Week 9: FBI Sting Operation #524
Week 10: Cipriani
Week 11: Carlos Mangual
Week 12: The Crimson