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Myspace Loser of the Week (Week 14)
http://www.myspace.com/ashleighkelepolo
by Dizz
guest appearance by the Libertarian
Cheerio all, it's once again time for the dear staff of Daily Raider to wrestle up some incredibly stupid person on Myspace. Intrestingly enough this week, no one had to get their clothes dirty, as this person contacted me directly, which would later become a common factor in most of my articles attacking a noun.
Note: I had to become this girl's friend just so I could get this picture for you guys.
Recently she put up a picture of herself, and I was remarkably unsurprised by her severe case of acne and her bulbous facial structure, but sadly there were no large warts or whiskers, or I would have been able to mock her further or possibly compare her to a toad. Still, I would not be surprised if desert conditions in her vagina ended up causing major droughts throughout Hawaii as well as possibly increasing the landmass in that area.
Usually, it's pretty easy to see what kind of failure you're dealing with on SatanSpace, but with this one the lines are fairly blurry. First off she had an anime picture as an avatar meaning that she is probably ridiculously ugly or freakish (I guess we can take the probably out of that now), an animated Stewie picture proving once again that all Family Guy fans are idiots, pointless/weird blog entries that try entirely too hard to be funny and utterly fail displaying her love of…I dunno maybe her love of causing my brain aneurisms. As bad as all of this is, there are more horrors in the music section with such musical talents as the skater-ish girl from Canada with absolutely no talent Avril Lavigne, the amazingly sucky pop-punk band Good Charlotte, and of course Ashlee Simpson the little pop diva who blatantly showed that her talent is largely based on studio production rather than actual abilities and the person who sucked more than Saturday Night Live usually does. That definitively proves it, what we are dealing with is a pop-wannabe-hipster, with the added problem of her having such a tin ear that she is completely unable to choose any musician with talent, intelligence, or even image beyond "everyone likes them, so they must be good". These traits by themselves form an enemy to be feared, if one is unprepared for their in depth knowledge of shit everyone else knows. Fortunately, the Raider's cynicism and sarcasm, as always, will prevail over the forces of darkness and utter crap.
In my dealings with her, I was surprised by her absolute need of friends. It somewhat reminded me of compulsive overeaters, which made my viewing her picture including her extra pounds even funnier. Thus, it also made me worry about whether or not she was the next Hannibal, and if I would end up in a giant fryer and have my liver eaten with a side of French fries and a large coke.
Once again, if there was any doubt at all that she was ugly/fat/freakishly mutated, she is into Magic: The Gathering. Magic is a realm for nerds and ugly people to triumph over people who have better things to do than sit around making decks specially designed for each possible enemy tactic. Looking in that paragraph further, we can see that she just reads thinks like Dan Brown so everyone will think she's cool. Her mom also can not pay for basic cable, and since I'm not an expert on people's economic hardships and such I've called in for back up in the name of The Libertarian.
Obviously, her parents are members of the urban poor who are in immediate need of execution for holding back the upper classes from progress. Honestly, if you can't pay for basic cable, how are you supposed to pay for important things like Pop-tarts, Capri-Sun and Mexican slaves? If someone can't do all of those things and have enough left over to support the market through stocks, then they should not be allowed to stay here, as they will just hold us back with their "needs" like bread and water and shelter. Bah, if you still don't have those things in excess you're worthless. I'd say kill her, but I prefer the market to solve everything. Therefore, I advocate for the market to kill her.
Thank you Libertarian, for your naivety and lack of insight into the lower class's situation, I couldn't have done it without you.
Now, I want you to think of Hawaii for a second. What is the primary geological formation? Okay, besides volcanoes, it's beaches. Thus her complaining that she can't go to the beach is retarded on two counts. One, she lives in fucking Beachville USA, and she actually wants to go to the beach. The beach is easily one of the most pointless trips of all time, since you can easily replicate that experience with only your imagination and a bathtub.
Earlier I mentioned that she contacted me first. Here's the original message.
Let's think about that for a second. You're having a contest about who can have the most friends on Myspace, already having a Myspace that is used in any regularity is a strike against anyone but to actually have a pointless contest about who can have the most friends? Come on, that's some of the dumbest shit ever, excluding most political speeches and anything Dane Cook does. I sent her a message back saying "That is the worst idea I've heard in a long time" after deleting her own message, since I personally hate scrolling down through all the replies and such, usually, and, apparently, she needs to see in the reply what she said, so I obliged her with a very cynical reply mocking not only her idiotic idea, but her lack of grammatical skills.
Strangely enough, regular users of Myspace apparently don't understand that you can still send messages to people even after you've declined their friend requests, and even if you've never received them, usually. This little altercation continued on for a while, until she finally stopped messaging me. Doom fired off an email to me a few minutes later to let me know that I would be allowed, nay, encouraged, to write this article as my debut. But at the time I had no screenshots or anything, so I was forced to "make up with her" to gain more comedic material. I believe it was a good trade off.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week:
Week 1: Autistic Josh
Week 2: Lor the Whore
Week 3: Juggalo Brandon
Week 4: Usagi Kou
Week 5: Stupid Wuss Man
Week 6: Jordan Powell
Week 7: Pat Lee
Week 8: Flora Bush
Week 9: FBI Sting Operation #524
Week 10: Cipriani
Week 11: Carlos Mangual
Week 12: The Crimson
Week 13: Billy Boy