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MYSPACE LOSER OF THE WEEK: A TALE OF ONE IDIOT
by Bruce Banner/The Hulk
In home theatre enthusiast circles, the once-popular fullscreen vs. widescreen debate rages on. Some poor souls still believe in the black bars cutting out all the picture, and film print modification is the way to view one's favorite films on DVD. While evolution has not ruled one way or another, if Darwin still lived today he'd likely tell the fullscreen preferring people of their unevolved status. In fact, if my human evolutionary growth charts are accurate, the fullscreen masses (literally unwashed) are somewhere between H. antecessor and Lil Jon in terms of skull size, adaptability and skills with tools. It's permissible to ask what one's preference for DVD intake has to do with the next ring around the tree of Myspace Loser of the Week. If my scientific studies are correct, and they usually are, Psycohol, a severe misspelling and unwarranted compoundization of 'psycho' and 'alcohol', is actually less intelligent than the purchasers of Wedding Crashers: Fullscreen Edition.
Unfortunate news, readers. He is not actually dead.
Psycohol is suitable as an example of what the Internet should not be. For instance, under general interests reads a list of every Internet stereotype of 'cool' to ever exist. I'm convinced that anyone who uses "hardcore", "robot" and "ninja" in the same self-description has no dignity and walks about as a flaming stereotype of everything people think is funny on the Internet despite a lack of actual humor behind it. He might as well accept a fellowship opportunity at Fark.com, as their 'human aggregator' resembles Psycohol's self-description only with more Photoshopped elements. A spiky haired mental midget, Psycohol claims he reads books, a minor accomplishment considering no one reads books on Myspace, but the books he reads are of pedestrian fare, either the work of Robert E. Howard or the already popular works of the Greeks and the Romans. I doubt he's ever studied up on metaphysics or the science of the collective unconscious, but what do I know, I'm only the best gamma specialist in the country.
Then there's his list of hate, where he appropriately lists hundreds of items which anger him. These range from Microsoft to the American Constitution. He also hates politics and government and from his comments on lack of freedom, I hazard the guess of Libertarianism being his political faction/political ideology of choice. Of course. As if libertarians are not already choking our country with their short-sighted over reliance on 'the market' to solve everything. The hatred of the usual hated subject such as emo people, goths, Nazis, the KKK persist...and yet, in the back of my mind when reading it, I could not rectify his hatred list with the love of backyard wrestling. It's one of those paradoxical interests where you're given a set of information and instructions to follow it, and yet when given one more piece of information, every bit of information collapses into nothingness. I believe Aleister Crowley said it best: "Magick is the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with will." It may not particularly relate to the situation at hand, but it's a perfect quote to demonstrate what Psycohol is not: change to occur in conformity with will.
In addition to his other 'desirable in a sarcastic way' interests and qualities, Psycohol bears the distinctive idiotic coiffed look and overall pretentious holier-than-thou personality of a straight edger. A straight edger is one who divulges not in the three cardinal sins: alcohol drinking, drugs without a prescription, and pre-marital sex. It makes for a good moral foundation if one lived in Jamestown but now it's not only old hat but as deserving of mockery as the Amish. To better explain the problems associated with straight edge culture, pardon me as I transmogrify my form into an unstoppable beast. AH! THAT BETTER. BUT NOT FOR LONG, HULK NEED TO TALK ABOUT STRAIGHT EDGE LOSERS!
HULK HATE STRAIGHT EDGE PEOPLE! STRAIGHT EDGE PEOPLE ARE WUSSES AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HULK HATES! WUSSES! "OH LOOK AT ME I AM STRAIGHT EDGE LOSER WATCH ME NOT DO ANYTHING FUN AND THEN WHINE ABOUT NEVER DOING ANYTHING FUN IN MY LIVEJOURNAL! HERE'S A TIP, LOSERHOL, GIRLS LIKE DRUGS AND SEX AND ALCOHOL! WHEN THEY ASK FOR IT, NOT WHEN IT'S GIVEN TO THEM BY FORCE OR TRICKS BUT STILL! HULK GET LOTS OF LADIES AS JOE FIXIT, GREATEST DRINK MIXER IN ALL OF LAS VEGAS! HOW MANY GIRLS DOES PSYCOHOL SNAG? NONE! NONE AT ALL, ONLY LOSERS ARE STRAIGHT EDGE PEOPLE BY CHOICE! YOU EVER SEE ANYONE NOT DRUNK OR HIGH ENJOYING PARTY? NO! BECAUSE PARTIES STUPID IN NORMAL LUCID STATE!
HULK SO ANGRY HULK GOING TO TALK ABOUT STUPID STRAIGHT EDGING MORE! HULK REALLY HATES STRAIGHT EDGE PUNY HUMANS' ATTITUDE! STRAIGHT EDGER NOT BETTER FOR NOT DOING THINGS, THEY LOSER FOR NOT DOING THINGS! NOT EVEN DOING IT FOR HEALTH, WE ALL KNOW LOSERHOL WILL DIE AT AGE 44 AFTER IMPALED BY OWN STUPID HAIR SPIKE OR DIE AT AGE 36 OF LONELINESS IN A BACKYARD WRESTLING RING! HULK NEVER TRUST A PUNY HUMAN WHO NOT WILLING TO CHALLENGE HULK TO DRINKING CONTEST [HULK STRONGEST DRINKING FORTITUDE THERE IS]! LOSERHOL SHOULD GET IT OVER WITH AND JUST JOIN CATHOLIC CHURCH WHERE HE CAN BE STRAIGHT EDGE AND STILL HAVE SEX IN A WAY! HAHAHAHA, HULK REFERENCING MOLESTATION OF SMALL CHILDREN BY CATHOLICS! IF ONLY LOSERHOL GOT MOLESTED AS BOY, THEN MAYBE HE'D BE LESS PRONE TO STUPID.
His friends run the usual gauntlet of idiocy, stupidity and whoring, all fine features brought to us by the social networking website Myspace. My favorite is one, Michelle, who wants to meet someone who 'knows I'm not pretty'. Given her looks, I hazard the guess that she often meets someone of this classification. I'm guessing most of his friends are in bands which will never actually go anywhere but each are convinced of their pending success as the next Panic! at the Disco or whatever barely musical band these fellows fashion themselves after at this time. Oh, punk rock. He's a punk rock fan, the small but rabid subset known to us plebeians as 'losers', increasing the legitimacy of the week's award.
I end the feature tonight with another Aleister Crowley quote, this time more applicable to the situation we find ourselves in: "How right politicians are to look upon their constituents as cattle! Anyone who has any experience of dealing with any class as such knows the futility of appealing to intelligence, indeed to any other qualities than those of brutes." Replace 'constituents' with 'Straight Edgers such as Psycohol' and you have my final thoughts on the matter.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: