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Myspace Loser of the Week #30: I Are Coop
by Doom and Rammspieler
You know what I love about writing for The Daily Raider? The occasional randomness upon which one finds complete idiocy worth its salt in mockery fodder. Such is the case if this week's Myspace Loser. You see, the plan was that this week we would be featuring a fangirl of some sort to balance out the fanboyness of Fagnime from last week. At first I looked for KMFDM, Rammstein or Slick Idiot fangirls, but the one whom Doom recommended to me was not possible since Myspace decided to randomly fuck up like always and direct me instead to an error screen. Then I went for the anime/cosplay/game fangirls. You know, the kind that no man, no matter how horny he may be, will absolutely not stick his penis into willingly because of the fangirls' defects, both physical and psychological. Surprisingly though (and I say this lightly, well, because it's Myspace) most of the anime/gamer chicks on Myspace turned out to be not only within the normal parameters of what qualifies as "mentally fit" but they weren't eyesores either. I thought that I was at a dead end, what with a lack of the sought after Loser material, when on a certain Game Chick forum I came upon this:
I did not find this week's Loser, but rather this week's Loser came to me! A MALE who is posting on a group made for girls telling the horny denizens of Myspace looking to hit up a reasonably attractive girl who plays video games as a hobby to take a hike, and with the incoherence found only in Harlem Prophet is definitely Myspace Loser material. Dear readers I present to you; Coop or as we shall know him as, "I Are Coop"! Not "Coop.I.Am" like the horrible reference to a certain Black Eyed Peas member indicates, but more like I Are Coop, as in "I are Downs Syndrome patient"!
People accuse Doom and I of having simplistic Myspace profiles and not wanting to intentionally bog down the time it takes for our respective profiles to load just to show off our love for our favorite bands with bootlegged music videos, unfunny pictures, pointless quizzes and surveys asking us whether we prefer Coke or Pepsi. One might think that I Are Coop here shares our hatred for superfluous profile decoration, but then I remembered that no Myspace Loser of the Week has ever been without the bling. Then I noted that this profile was indeed horribly coded in a script kiddy's HTML generator page! So why does it look so unusually blank? Because I Are Coop, even with the aid of an HTML generator, being the inbred, retarded Yankees and Football fan he is, managed to fuck up in the fucking up of his profile! Another dead giveaway to his Downs Syndrome is the utter incoherence seen on his profile pic and his plea for girls to take pity on him and go out with him to the school dance like in that Christina Ricci movie. Stupidity made redundant folks. You don't see that everyday!
A good way to determine someone's personality and overall feel is by looking at the company he or she keeps. Well, going by the company, I Are Coop notches himself down from "Downs Syndrome Patient" to "McMurphy at the End of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Only Even Less Brain Activity Occurs". Sure, his friends appear to be nothing more than the usual suspects of picture whores, and apparently broken images, but delving in deeper into the stupidity [remember to wear your stupid galoshes, everyone!], a pattern emerges: people who friend him for the sole reason of pity. Pity friending is like a pity fuck: at first you feel good, but then it depresses the hell out of you, even further than when you were chosen for a pity fuck in the first place. These whores are friends of his for the sole reason of feeling sorry for him, like in the episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia where wheelchair bound Charlie gets attention from strippers due to how disadvantaged and pathetic he is. It's the only logical explanation, the other possible explanations being a] these people are in fact his classmates at the Mentally Stunted Learning Annex or b] retards are, contrary to popular belief, demons in the sack. I'd go with the pity or the learning annex, but not the demon in the sack business. It's unlikely I Are Coop even knows what his dick is.
Holy fuck! It's like George Steinbrenner shit inside my brain. I Are Coop sure does love the New York Yankees, aka perennial post season failures, aka the new Atlanta Braves. Every picture of him shows him donning a Yankees cap and/or staring at the camera in a deliriously retarded way. Remember when the Yankees weren't a bunch of overpaid steroid injecting freaks? Yeah, me neither, but at least they used to win games instead of losing in the first round to a team who lost 90 games the previous season. Hell, the only good thing about their 2006 season was Corey Lidle's post-elimination Flight Simulator But For Real catastrophe, which really should've come as no surprise considering his bad control of the baseball. Why wouldn't he also suck at controlling an airplane? His death frees up salary room and will make the arbitration hearing go by much faster considering he's dead. His profile name states "I am like Yankees more people hate me than like me", but I think it's a misnomer; he is like the Yankees, but in the sense of him never succeeding or accomplishing anything. Anyway, it's rather clear from the pictures I Are Coop is a hamburger shoved into a pig's face, with a mat of hair thrown on for good measure. I don't know what else to say other than "Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink."
In conclusion, I couldn't gather any more information on him due to his Myspace page's tendency to freeze up my Mozilla Firefox. I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a good thing I don't need to subject myself to his stupidity any more than I already have, I suppose. He types haphazardly and incoherently, his friends cross somewhere between Whore Ave. and Pity Blvd., he loves the fucking New York "Capitalism r00lz" Yankees, he looks like a pig crossed with a 1920's pedophile bank robber named "Fiddley the Kid", what more do I have to say to persuade you into believing his eternal retardedness?
I expect when he reads this or if he can read this, his arms will flail uncontrollably as usual, as he slobbers all over the screen yelling "I DUR UH NOT RETARD! ME PUT ON MITTENS AND THEN GORS KICK HIS ASS!" And then we'll laugh even harder.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: