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Myspace Loser of the Week
by the Fanboy
When management asked me to write this week's Myspace Loser of the Week, I had a lot of trouble when it came to thinking about who should be given the honor. First I checked to see if Joe Quesada owned a Myspace. No such luck. He and his maverick buddies probably prefer to smoke pot in his office while coming up with new ways to destroy Marvel Comics. Then I searched for Al Jean, the destroyer of Simpsons 3, but he doesn't have one either. I searched for a while longer and couldn't find anyone at all, until I remembered one of the very first comic book creators who I whined was destroying comics as we knew it. Brian Michael Bendis, the man responsible for RAPING the Avengers, Daredevil, the Ultimate Fantastic Four, Ultimate Spider-Man, Ultimate Boomerang, and now Spider-Woman. I can't wait to give him a piece of my mind by passively aggressively insulting him through a keyboard thousands of miles away!
Stan Lee never wrote in all capital letters!
As expected Bendis decompresses his Myspace to a huge extent. If Stan Lee wrote this (not that he ever would since Stan isn't a continuity hating rapist of characters), he could have the Myspace page take place in 3 panels rather than an entire page. I can't see why fans willingly let Bendis scoop this garbage into their mouths month in and month out for little to no returns. Back when true pioneers made Myspace pages, action AND characterization happened, not just a lot of talking heads and dialogue and so on. I remember Roy Thomas' Myspace, back when they called them Timely Rotoscopes, every update, a new fight with his erstwhile foe Bill Everett. My favorite was "Battle of Bottlesdam Bottle!" Roy was shrunk down to bottle size by Bill Everett and they fought over a period of 8 panels before it was revealed to be a manipulation by Kirby the Curmudgeon. It ended in everyone eating ice cream and laughing at a hilarious joke. Bendis? Rarely updates and when he does it's rarely substantial. He's writing for the eventual trade paperback and everyone, including him, knows it.
Just like his writing, Bendis' Myspace page wrecks continuity too. On his page is a rotating image, one of the images within the cover to the reprehensible Ultimate Power #1. Or is it? See, I remember the TRUE cover being gold on the sides, NOT white. What, does Bendis think we're idiots? Think we're not going to notice? What a fan hating prick. How exactly am I to explain this in my Ultimate timeline, huh? Ever thought of your egregious error permanently raping my TIMELINE?!?!!!? Also, in one of the pictures on the page, when Bendis plays Michael Avon Oeming's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a magic Oeming or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Stan Lee could've written that in 3 sentences!
Raping continuity never stopped Bendis before, though. I highly doubt his top ten favorite lists for interests are especially accurate, knowing Bendis' penchant for disregarding previously established continuity of top ten favorite lists. Back when comics were good, the 1980's, a writer would research what previous continuity said and then tailor his list accordingly. For example, Stan Lee's favorite movie star is Errol Flynn. I don't see Bendis here listing any Errol Flynn movies in his Top 10, just a bunch of junk by new directors who don't respect the Hollywood of old. His top ten books irk me considerably, listing abominations like American Flagg, Global Frequency and Nick Fury Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., titles written by a lot of no talented nogoodniks who never cared to read the original Fighting American, Frequenco the Radio Wonder or Nick Fury's Howling Commandos comics. No respect for what came before, I tell you!
Imagine my surprise when I looked at Bendis' friends list, specifically his Top 16. Almost all of them, true to Nu Nu Marvel's form, celebrities, Hollywood writers, and pot smoking bad seeds. Like Warren Ellis, the origin for the continued raping of Iron Man's character. Or Heinberg, who despite his stellar work at DC, destroyed the All-Winners Squad by way of ripping them off and calling the ripoff Young Avengers, if he even manages to turn out an issue of it on time. I'm sorry, it's not his fault his issues are late, it's Quesada's fault for deliberately delaying them since he hates the fans. Why couldn't Bendis sneak in a few non-celebrity friends onto his list, like the completely underrated Dan Slott? Or Fabian Nicieza? Jeff Parker? Peter David? Or even Bendis mainstays such as Goddard? Why not a long-established supporting character, Bendis? It's just another case of Quesada and his roving band of continuity haters showing direct contempt for fans and how friends/comics/Myspace pages/power tools should really be. DRECK C-!
I really can't stand the apologists of Bendis' work, who rape my arguments forever by injecting facts or sales figures or something into my arguments, neutralizing my heady mix of emotion, hyperbole and citing of obscure facts within the Marvel Universe! Face imagined facts, Bendis brainwashed Quesadaites, Bendis sucks and always will, or at least he sucked once he started gaining favorable sales. Before then he rocked and I loved his work. After popularity, he lost something. Something important. The emotion of his earlier work. Remember Torso, when the note said "You are murdered."? I remember so hard I cried until I noticed a continuity error within it. Now? Continuity wrecking garbage. I hate it so much I'm threatening to close my Brian Michael Bendis fansite if he keeps on going with continuity destroying and character raping. I'm on Second Alarm, people (I only update the site twice a day)!
I used to love Myspace. I really did, especially the early seasons when people didn't know about Myspace as much. Now, though, it's run by people of Bendis' calibur, people who miss what Myspace is really about. Stalking, quiz results, stupid layouts, and loud annoying music. Does Bendis employ ANY of those elements? As to be expected by everyone who carries a vested interest in the property, no. If this is any indication as to how Tom intends to run Myspace from now on, I'm afraid I'll have to decrease my patronage of the site to a mere 12 times a day. You better fear me, Tom of Myspace, because normally I visit 3,600,000,789, making me your 17th biggest customer. If you don't bow to the fans, there'll be disastrous consequences, Tom.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: