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Myspace Loser of the Week
guest starring Sgt. Major
The propaganda train continues as the United States military finds new ways to recruit new suckers into their unsuccessful jihad on Iraq. It seems the conventional methods of manipulation and recruitment have failed; why else would numbers be down during the War on Terra and the Clash of Civilizations (aka the New Crusades)? Obviously, the Killbot Factory is doing something wrong when it comes to propaganda. Perhaps the out-of-place Godsmack music or the inane slogans like 'An army of one' and 'Army strong'? As seen in a Simpsons episode, I'm sure the military will move on to targeting impressionable tots at elementary school when beckoning surly teenagers to be a part of authority fails. Aha, but the Marines Corps found a way to appeal to the surly teenagers and their pointless drama by following the maxim of "If you can't beat them, join them". Yes, the Marine Corps have joined Myspace. I don't know what else to say. Myspace and Marines...two things I passionately hate with the possibility for a combination of hilarity!
The few are getting fewer each day. Also, semper fidelis? THEY'RE NAZIS! GET 'EM!
Your eyes do not deceive you. The military has indeed entered into the realm of Myspace as their latest tool to tricking young men into sacrificing their lives to the oilmen. In one respect, it's fucking hilarious. Myspace losers? Fighting terra in the desert? Jesus Christ, these people complain when someone takes them off their Top 8. The prospect of them trying to create chaos/order/oil money in Iraq amuses me to no end. You ain't seen nothing yet if you thought Vietnam's unprepared drafted troops would be the most unmotivated, cowardly and stupid troops to serve in a United States initiated conflict. I'd love to see the marines actively trying to recruit someone on Myspace. Eventually they'd be disgusted by the recruitee sending them pictures of him half-naked and drunk, holding a gun (and pointing it at an Arab, of course) in a faux badass pose. Even the corps have some standards...officially...for now.
In another respect, it's fucking sad. Are they this hard up for new bodies to shove into the meat grinder? Come on, even the military can't lower their standards to such a dizzyingly low extent. Regardless of my thoughts on the military and imperialism, I don't want a denizen of Myspace representing my country and what my country intends to do to other countries. You know, it says the Corps has 19,000 friends on Myspace...Rupert Murdoch owns the website...somebody better check the Terms of Service, I bet Murdoch wrote in a backdoor draft for Bush's already ill-fated troop surge. The military is really getting desperate with their recruitment, what with the PNAC imperialism plan floundering dreadfully and using up way more troops than originally anticipated. Myspace must certainly be the final frontier, the last resort. After all, what's left for the picking after covering America's most idiotic social network? Facebook? Insane asylums? The only way for the armed forces to come up with dumber soldiers would be to dig up some marine corpses, give them guns and prop them up against walls in Baghdad. Shit, I might be giving them ideas now...
The Corps sucks out all of fun of everything by not following standard Myspace procedure. No about me section, no interests, no sexual preference box, nothing. NOT EVEN A SURVEY RESULT ABOUT WHICH FAMILY GUY CHARACTER THEY ARE. Takes all the fun out of having a ridiculous Myspace if one tries really hard for it not to be ridiculous! If they did, maybe they'd be more popular with the idiots infesting social networking programming these days. Here. I've taken the liberty of coming up with what the Marine Corps would likely put up on regular Myspace features if prompted:
Interests: killing, preemptive invasion, conformity, snapping and killing civilians, doing dirty work
Music: Toby Keith, Godsmack, Three Doors Down, Iced Earth
Movies: Fahrenhype 9/11, The Rumsfeld Way: The Movie
Television: Blue Collar TV, 24, The Unit, The O'Reilly Factor
Books: Reading is for fags
Heroes: Ollie North, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Captain America, Donald Rumsfeld, William Calley
Who I'd like to meet: Anyone with a pulse between the ages of 7 and 84.
The Top 8: George W. Bush, Henry Kissinger, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, Donald Rumsfeld, Robert Gates, David Duke, Michelle Malkin
Friends of the Marine Corps page present an interesting question. How exactly does the page choose who to put in its Top 8? Of course, the page fucks up the entire comedy premise by only including 6 in their Top 8. 6 is inherently less funny than the number 8. Of the few not set to private, we see a pattern emerge for the Top 6: these people all support the war, support the marines, and love the ever loving shit out of George W. Bush. God forbid someone with Democratic party beliefs merit an inclusion (I'm thinking Joementum)! For Christ's sake, one of them has the Glenn Beck show theme tune as the Myspace page's song, and lists George W. Bush and Rush among the people he wishes to meet. Unless I was going to a drug convention, I'd never want to see the Rushster.
Sgt. Major time!
AHOORAH! YOU MOTHERFUCKING PANSY COCKSUCKING NOSEDIGGING HOMOS READY TO FACE THE FULL FORCE OF AMERICA'S GREATEST KILLING BRIGADE?! BACK IN MY DAY, THE DAY OF COMMUNISM, WE DIDN'T HAVE THE INTERNET! AHOORAH! WE USED DIFFERENT METHODS OF RECRUITMENT! BETTER WAYS! IN KENTUCKY, WE USED TO LET A NIGGER ROAM FREE! WHOEVER CAUGHT HIM AND KILLED HIM FIRST GAINED ENLISTMENT INTO THE MARINES, AS THEY SHOWED THE KIND OF MOXIE AND SKILL NEEDED FOR THE BEST FIGHTING FORCE KNOWN IN THE WORLD! AHOORAH! ANOTHER TACTIC WE USED TO GET KIDS IN THE CORPS WAS BY TAKING EVERY FIRST BORN IN THE TOWN AND DRAFTING THEM! IT WORKED, EVEN THOUGH THE 5 YEAR OLDS FUCKING FAILED TO DO PUSH UPS CORRECTLY! I RAPED THEM IN THE SHOWERS TO TEACH THOSE MAGGOTS A LESSON! AHOORAH! THE 'MYSPACE' 'INTERNET' RECRUITMENT IS TOO SISSY FOR THE NEW GOLDEN HORDE, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS! THE MARINE CORPS SHOULD GO BACK TO THE GOOD OLD METHODS OF FINDING NEW MEMBERS THROUGH CAMPAIGNS OF RAPE AND PILLAGE! WORKED FOR EISENHOWER! AHOORAH!
The Marine Corps had the foresight to add a number of wallpapers and videos to the page, for the floods of people ready to tack a shitty military-themed wallpaper onto their desktop. When I clicked on one of the pictures to use for desktop adornment, it took no less than 2 minutes for Marines.com to load up all the necessary shit. Shouldn't U.S. government sites process faster than non-U.S. government sites? And not be subject to massive lagging? Net Neutrality rules! Frankly, the free shit offered on the page disappoints me. I really expected more from the finest death squad outside of the School of the Americas. The following are my suggestions for new free shit available via the Marines.com website: "I support the killings" banner advertisements, animated GIFs of a marine shooting at an innocent Arab civilian, an interactive game called "Shoot the deserving" (tip: all of them count as deserving in-game), and, finally, a Windows sound scheme filled with Sgt. Major drill instructor yelling. "YOU MAGGOTY FAGGOT!" will welcome you and "I WILL TAKE A SHIT IN YOUR NOSE AND SELL YOUR MOTHER TO A SUGAR FACTORY!" will bid you adieu. Brilliant, am I right?
This is propaganda in progress, people. One cannot call it anything else, lest they want to buy into the idea of military recruiting as a great way to forge a successful future path. Public settings, schools, malls...I suppose the Internet is the next logical step, and a social networking is the best way to get the word out about the greatness of working to oil the joints of the capitalist war machine. The real question is: what's next? Obviously the American people tolerate propaganda or else no one would watch any of the news or 24. So the Marine Corps machine of recruitment and brainwashing must infect other areas of our society. "Where?" is the important question, with no real answer. After all, Myspace is pretty much the final frontier for everyone. Unless the Marines begin broadcasting images directly into our brain, they can't go anywhere worse from here.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: