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Myspace Loser of the Week: Rammspieler's Sister's Creepy, Nerdy Cyber-Ex
Oh, fuck you!
It certainly is nice to be back on the site! What with the failed April Fool's gag and and Doom's insistence on keeping the gag running, despite being A DRUNKARD WHO KILLED MY FATHER WHOM WILL EVENTUALLY PAY FOR HIS CRIMES! I was starting to get all antsy and so wanted to release the misogynist bastard in me. Two fucking long weeks and here we are, ladies and gents. A Myspace Loser of the Week that will either have Scarecrow praising me or making him want to quit the site in disgust because we have, over the past two years, been losing the avant garde edge that appeals to his literary faginess. Why? Because, despite making solemn promises to try and not turn our work into petty personal revenge pieces, this is the closest thing I have ever written for personal revenge and yet not only do I not know the Loser first hand, but I don't really give a fuck about him being a creepy online stalker because, quite frankly, it is hilarious. And yet that is why I decided to go along with this one. Because we can never have enough stalkers to profile on The Daily Raider and because I told my sister that should she ever "leave" this guy, to let me profile him on the basis of being a dumbass. Boys and girls, I present to you...Marlon!
Oh look, it's Stupidfuck Claus in April! This, folks, is Marlon. I still don't know the details as to how he found my sister on Myspace, but I can tell you what I know of the story. Apparently, Marlon here is some virginal nerd in his mid-30s who found my sister's profile and immediately added her because she was apparently the hottest chick he has ever seen that openly admits to being into Star Trek. For the record, my sister is not a person who takes an active pursuit of geeky shit, but since most of my DVD collection is geeky shit, she watched the entirety of my Star Trek movies and instantly learned how to do the Vulcan greeting. However, she still thinks most of the shit I'm into is boring and 'gay'. Anyway, after what seemed like a mere week of friending her, he asked her if she would like to be his 'girlfriend'. Now my sister also happens to like to flirt around with guys for shits and giggles, whether they are aware of it or not. So being the charitable yet cruel soul that she is, she said 'sure'. From then on it was non-stop pestering and manifestations of stalker tendencies right from the get go. His main complaints were that she flirted around too much with her guy friends on their comment pages, including YOURS FUCKING TRULY! I'm not making this shit up, people. The guy is truly a soul in need. But I think a secondhand account of what really happened is sorely needed. Therefore, I present the following transcript of an interview I had with my sister's best guy friend (and my campaign manager), Jorge, on what he had to say about Marlon. The transcript has been translated for the convenience of the non-spics out there.
1. How was it that you found out about Marlon's apparent personhood?
The first time I ever heard about Marlon was when I went to leave a comment on your sister's profile. I noted that there were several comments from him, all written in a rather effeminate and infantile language.
2. Do you think that Marlon is a fruit?
Sure I do. A little after I found out about him, he started sending me various messages asking me to friend him when I never even spoke to him. A few days latter, the victim (your sister) told me that he would always be keeping an eye on the comments we always left each other and then later on bring them up as a means of extortion. Besides that, he would always complain to her about our friendship. Besides being paranoid, he seemed to have a persecution complex as well as just being plain creepy. All the more that makes me think that the man has obvious mental problems, especially on his insistence in giving his dog human characteristics as well as on wearing pink and clothes that would normally look good on women.
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest score, how much of a 30-year Old Virgin loser do you think Marlon has to be to go looking for love on Myspace?
Wow, I think he's an 11! In the film The 40-Year Old Virgin, the main character does not use the Internet as his principal means of trying to get laid. On the other hand, Marlon does and he doesn't even try to get laid by real world means. In fact, he seems to be quite happy with having a virtual relationship. He equates having a cyber relationship with having a real life one, not wanting to get to know your sister in person nor wanting to find women within his own zip code.
4. What would you tell Marlon if he was in front of you at this moment?
Really? "Go get some help before you become another Cho and you end up killing innocents. If you don't want to or don't know how to relate with people in real life, then go rape a dog or something."
Once again, my sister's best friend, Jorge, ladies and gentleman!
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S THAT FUCKING UGLY DOG OF HIS PHOTOSHOPPED INTO A SUPERMAN COSTUME! And I thought that people who posted photomanips of cats were fucking insane. But that's not the reason why I'm showing you this screencap. It's basically a summary of his life and his goals in life, except for the part where he expresses his desire to show his love to the women on his MSN friendlist by sending pics of his naked ass and perhaps even cybering in all of his deformed glory (the guy has some deformities). My sister got saved from the webcam show part by partially lying about not having a webcam. Of course she has one, Marlon; she just can't use it on her Mac! And, dude, I think the world has no need to see your ass. But look at the final part of the screencap. Of course, the whole thing was too fucking long so I had to merge the top and bottom half together, but your eyes do not deceive you. WE ARE ALL SUPERMEN INSIDE. SIMPLE ESCAPIST FANTASY FROM THE 30S IS ACTUALLY A MORAL ETHIC TO LIVE BY! Yes, you certainly are drawing a smile on my face, Marlon. One from uncontrollable laughter at your childish naivete.
Top half, from left to right: Repressed desire to be Nicolas Cage, trying to look cool and trendy and failing miserably, yet another horrible photoshop that sullies the very concept of Superman (it's Superman, Marlon, not Supertard), some mildly attractive and perhaps underage Latina prostitute who goes out with him because, much like the chicks that hang out with JDPLVY, his father is paying the whore to hang out with him (or she does so out of pity).
Bottom half: Same Mexican prostitute but in a car after the handjob, my sister, him looking really gay (I think the hat even has pink triangles), some white chick he stalks on Myspace.
What deeper expression of love can there be than a cheesy photoshop of a pic from my sister's profile! Actually, I'm showing this pic to see if I can auction her off for the night and make enough money so I can make it to Raidercon this summer over at Daily Raider world HQ in Doom's basement. The bidding starts at $100. Do I hear $150? $250? C'mon Marlon, I know I'm thrashing you here, buddy, but I really need the money! Anybody want to put up $1000?
Text from an actual email he sent my sister regarding finding a new love with a functional webcam:
sorry if i am bothering you i only wanted to say goodbye. i hope your okay
as for me, don't laugh but i have another cyber girlfriend lol!!! but we are
but seriously we are very happy and am going to go see her when she returns
i wish it could've worked for us but we had too many things against us and
just look at one of her daily emails she sends me and she writes this way
AMOR CIELO HERMOSO YA REGRESE DE EL REZO ME DOLIO DEJARTE BEBE PERO LE HABIA
MI CIELO HERMOSO COMO TE AMO ERES UN NINO HERMOSO QUE AMO CON TODO MI
ERES MI COMPLEMENTO, MI OTRA MITAD, MI ALMA GEMELA, EN FIN ERES TODO MI
TE AMA TU NOVIA PRECIOSA QUE SIEMPRE PIENSA EN TI.
see how sweet she is, it's adorable and she laughs easily like you too
take care annie, i do miss you and i am sorry i got stupid and don't worry
goodbye annie, i wish things could've been different between us i really do
I'm too fucking lazy to translate what it says in the middle but yeah, he does have lipstick on his face. As The Flying JimJim would say: "HE'S A FAGSKATCHIMO!"
His new webcam girlfriend. I want to fucking throw up.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: