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Myspace Loser of the Week: Gold Edition
Haha! Look at another dead kid!
Well, folks, it looks like the little feature that we all doubted would make it finally did make it. Oh sure, it's been a road that was not without its potholes, thereby causing the Myspace Loser of the Week feature to sometimes not be a weekly feature at all. But, nevertheless, here we are one man-year later and still providing you, the faithful reader, with even more reason to mock Myspace and perhaps question the existence of God with every specimen of humanity's refuse that we find on Myspace. Oh yeah. This week's Loser is pretty much six feet under and feeding the worms as I write this. I just thought you should know that. However, being the Daily Raider, death sure has never stopped us from mocking anybody. Let the fun and games begin!
Exposition! Apparently, Indiana teen Tyler Dumstorf had an argument with his mother which resulted in his mom calling the cops. Whilst speaking with the police in the driveway, Tyler popped out his iron and shot each cop in the back and then killed himself. All that because of an argument with mom over his marijuana use. And then society asks us why we are all for the legalization of Marijuana! Why, if the kid was flying as high as a kite at the moment, none of that would have happened. Land of the Free indeed! However, that doesn't excuse Tyler for being yet another dipshit teen. I mean seriously. Who in this day and age listens to 60's rock besides hippies, middle aged yuppies and indie douchebags? Jim Morrison was just another drugged out loser until Oliver Stone transferred him to the silver screen. But since Tyler is dead, the real hilarity of this week's loser stems from the comments that his mourners have left him on his Myspace profile before it was most likely erased from Myspace's database.
Now is it just me that notices this or not? Why is it that when one dies, it's perfectly all right for a guy to tell the dead man that he "loves him"? I guess it's okay for a guy to tell another guy "I love you" when one is also drunk. But the point is that this whole "I love you" crap is yet another reason why, should you want to off yourself, it's best if you follow the now infamous Guide to Making Your Suicide Memorable, which can be found on this very site. Because your death will always be the perfect opportunity for douchebags who want to cash in on your demise to feel good about themselves by calling you their best friend even if just a week before you caught your girlfriend blowing him off behind the bleachers or something. Also of note is how T.P. has taken to playing the messenger girl for dead kid by relaying comments from people onto Tyler's page. We all know that within a week this page is going to be gone, so why ruin the magic with transposed sentimental comments, Tana? Why ruin the last tangible earthly presence of Tyler by relaying the messages of those who most likely were also on Facebook crying for the dead at Cho Seung-Hui's "Victory of the Righteous" party on a page that will be eliminated just so that Myspace can shake off any possible bad publicity? Your best bet would be to open up a Facebook memorial page for Tyler. Everybody is doing it!
It's always the least expected ones who pull the trigger! I mean, did Reb and VoDkA show any signs with the discontent they had for the world and their plans to shoot it up? Okay, maybe they did show clear signs of discontent at the hands of those who would give them wedgies and call them fags. But I don't think that anybody would of have foreseen what they were stocking up on guns for. Who knows if the Indiana baby who received a gun license and a shotgun for his 1st birthday present will use it to for his first nigger hunting expedition when he's old enough to know why black kids are undesirable, or if he will go crazy one day at preschool and shoot up the entire class? It's a mystery. But I think we do have a clear indicator in this case because, according to It's Avera, Tyler wanted to "Join the army and shoot terrorists." And then we ask ourselves why today's armed forces are nothing like they used to be back in the day. Then again, I doubt that Tyler would have made an effective soldier no matter what. He was too much of a hippie music loving stoner to fit in with today's moralistic and uptight army that even frowns upon the age old tradition of servicemen taking leave to go to the nearest brothel and/or rape the local village women. He might have fit in with the Vietnam era army, though. Now those were a bunch of stoned Jarheads if I've ever seen them! Oh yeah, almost forgot. Remember to laugh at the gay man who likes German dick!
As we can see, not many people have gotten wind of the fact that Facebook is THE place where to hold online mourning/ego jerk-off sessions. What Myspace would eventually do is just close down the profile. On the other hand, Facebook seems to thrive on all the emotional masturbation. After all, what is there to expect from a site made by emo indie fags for emo indie fags? Too bad they just don't have the 'sense of humor' Myspace has!
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: