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Myspace Loser of the Week
by Bruce Banner/The Hulk and Nerdlinger
Life is unpredictable. One day you are an average scientist and the next you are a hideous monster of a man. Or one day you are a lowly 'writer/assistant editor' for the Daily Raider and the next you are the co-manager of the entire website. Such is the wonder, however; the unpredictability creates an atmosphere of danger, excitement and, occasionally, work no one particularly seeks to do. What does this have to do with Week 66 of Myspace Loser of the Week? This is one of the four articles the Doom-less Daily Raider was entirely responsible for. The original intention was to save Myspace 66 for Wednesday the 21st, yet fate prevailed and gave just cause for an article exploring the vagaries and the incomprehensibility of the modern human condition to be concocted over the period of the annual Daily Raider chat.
But first we needed to find the perfect candidate. Or, if not perfect, then suitable to justify 1000 words or more of text belittling his/her Myspace, personality and station in life. Nerdlinger suggested we search a porn star's Myspace's friends list and go from there. Believe it or not, the method worked, as it yielded the following self-absorbed human wreckage, a contemptible man of ill repute. In short, a Myspace user to judge all of Myspace by:
You see, having to do this doesn't make your page cool, no matter how much you may think your sunglasses make you.
C-Mac. C-Mac is a confusing fellow at first. He bears a striking resemblance to exiled staff writer Captain Canuck, he states his age as 25 despite clearly being several years younger, he wants to meet a child of Frank Zappa and yet not Zappa himself (Myspace wants are not known to conform to the timeline of linear events), and he speaks in the worst dialect known to man: white trash ghetto speak. It is specifically white trash and not an attempt at actual black ebonics because there are noticeable differences between the two. White trash employs phrases which had faded out of popularity in the black community several years ago (no one says "crack a lackin" anymore, not even in ironic situations), and white trash is denoted with having a completely misinformed knowledge of black culture. Either scenario explaining his vernacular usage is sad. Situation 1: C-Mac is a racist who uses these phrases as 'jokes' because, get it, he is white and not black. Situation 2: Wigger, an unknowing caricature, a la the rapper on Trailer Park Boys. As I said, sad no matter what.
The layout of Mr. C-Mac's page is an atrocity to anyone who has had any knowledge of, well, the Internet in general. In the background we see a shitty little picture of pink stars with black in the back. And then this pattern is repeated in a tile formation. If you're going to have a tiled background, maybe it should actually have a pattern that looks decent when it is done. Instead, we have something that looks like pure garbage, over and over and over again. Then there's the slight problem we have about the main color of his background being black. Along with that black background, the Cdog decided to leave the text black too. So, we now have a page with a shitty background with unreadable text unless you highlight everything. But seriously, what the fuck is up with shit like this? Must one out of every 5 Myspace pages have to be like this? God, it just pisses a man off sometimes. And he does the biggest mistake everyone else seems to do by setting his music player to auto, but the C-Mack-Dog-Diddly-Daddy doesn't roll that way with just one music player. Nope, he's fucking hardcore and has two go off as soon as you get on his page! There's no other rationale for it other than C-Mac is an idiot.
Playing off of that, C-Dackacle has one of the worst tastes in music one must have. A list filled with what one may call music from the Rock genre. Though from it all, it can't be determined with the shit wailing that goes on. But C-Mackadiddle tries to be "open", as much as a white boy from Pennsylvania can be. Sprinkling in a few rap songs to keep up a look of being "down" and "with it". Trying to listen to the song "Finger Paint" leaves me confused about C-Diddle. At first, I thought it might have been him singing about himself painting, since his layout makes one believe his mentality would warrant him actually posting that on his page. Going down the list, the song by the band Emmure, or whatever the fuck, sounds like the lead singer is vomiting while going on about... something... Makes the Ying Yang Twins sound a lot better by comparison.
Of course, with taste like this, perhaps we've had the wrong impression of this fine, young fellow.
And wouldn't you know it, Ying Yang Twins and Lil Wayne also make appearances on one of his two music players. Killswitch Engaged [sic] and Shadows Fall confirm C-Mac/C-Dog/whatever as the worst of both worlds: a poor rap aficionado and a horrible rock connoisseur, as is the case with so many of the youth of today. They, like Corey, do not constrain their interests to one genre, but they do retain a loyalty to a particular level of quality (I do not think I need to tell you what that is). The only outlier is Zion-I. Thoughtful, conscious hip hop...and Ying Yang Twins? I expect the Earth to explode any day now, because of this obvious tear in the fabric of reality.
We could have highlighted the text for the friends' comments, but we felt we were doing you a favor by depriving you of the unrelenting stupidity found within the comments made by these people, if you can even deem them to have met all the necessary requirements to be classified as a homo sapiens. You did not miss much. Almost all of the messages spam the board with meaningless advertisement or polls or surveys, or they are personal messages from friends imploring Corey to tell them when they are next going to 'hang out'. The shallowness of digital social interaction continues to amaze.
Keeping that in mind, it makes the friends of C-Mac understandable. Although it is not in any scientist's best interest to generalize with little data and less inspiration for a hypothesis or a theory, well, fuck it, it's late. I suspect all of these people are college aged dropouts, failures, would-be failures, future failures or should be failures in the light of the need for cosmic justice. Not only would I not want to 'have a beer with' any of these shallow, senseless people, I would not want to engage any of them in conservation. Or live in the same city, state, country or planet. In fact, I suggest the enlightened unite to send off all of these inconsequential gene carriers to a far-off planet, where they are unable to harm us with their inanity or their obviously unwanted genes. WHAT? HULK NOT AGREE TO THAT? SAKAAR BAD FOR EVERYONE! HULK NOT EVEN WISH IT ON THESE IDIOTS! SO HULK RATHER SMASH LOSERS! SMASH THEM GOOD! SMASH THEM SO HARD THEY GO BACK IN TIME TO BE SMASHED BY ANCESTORS OF HULK!
HULK SMASH C-MAC, HULK SMASH FRIENDS OF C-MAC, HULK SMASH TWO MUSIC PLAYERS, HULK SMASH BACKGROUND THAT NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL, HULK SMASH ALL OF MYSPACE! HULK ESPECIALLY SMASH STUPID METAL MAN DOOM BECAUSE STUPID METAL MAN DOOM NOT AROUND ANYMORE AND FORCE HULK AND NERDMAN TO WRITE ABOUT STUPID LOSER ON MYSPACE! HULK NOT WANT TO WRITE! HULK WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE, HULK WANT BETTY ROSS AND HULK WANT COMPENSATION FOR GOVERNMENT FOR NOT PAYING BANNER MEDICAL BILLS! SCREW METAL MAN DOOM! HULK END ARTICLE...NOW! WELL, AFTER HULK HAIKU!
HULK NOT LIKE MYSPACE
GO TO ANOTHER ARTICLE OR WEBSITE!
STAY ON WEBSITE. GO TO DIFFERENT ARTICLE.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week:
STOP READING OR HULK SMASH YOU ALL