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Myspace Loser of the Week
guest starring Josiah X
Week 73: UR BOI KIKO
Yes, UR BOI KIKO. I'm as fucking confused as you are. But this is who we're doing for Myspace Loser of the Week #73, so deal with it. I could literally write this entire article on how 'UR BOI KIKO' betrays all standards of grammar, spelling, language and linguistics in general. It would be a very boring and repetitive article, but I could fucking do it, trust me. So before we jump in, what should you expect from a denizen of Myspace such as UR BOI KIKO? Well, keep these two facts in mind: he's a minority and he's in Texas. Yes, I too expected this Myspace to be one of those 'RIP' ones, since rarely do non-gardener minorities ever last more than 20 minutes in Texas. It's just a fact of life there. Yet he still lives as far as this Myspace shows, so I suggest you consider the possible ways a minority in Texas could survive several years there. See if what you came up with matches with what I thought of as possible reasoning for his survival. Anyway, here we go:
Ah, the wonders of unnecessarily large text. Why did UR BOI KIKO decide on a size even Henry Kissinger without his glasses could see? You must keep in mind the screenshot above shrinks down the text considerably; normally, it's 3-4 times larger, and the layout stretches out the page considerably. I didn't reprint the layout in its original size because I don't hate you. UR BOI KIKO, though, clearly hates everyone who manages to stumble upon his Myspace. Or he can't read and is under the delusion that, if he makes letters bigger, words may start making sense to his tiny brain. It would probably be best if the text was not there at all or invisible, for UR BOI KIKO has nothing worth saying to anyone or anything. Really, who the fuck needs an explanatory paragraph which indicates he has the name that the upper left hand corner says his name is and how he loves his friends and family. Shit, even sociopaths love their friends and family.
The guy's clearly an idiot. What evidence do I cite as proof? The Playboy background. Now, in case you might not be aware of the differences between pornographic magazines, let me say that Playboy's among the worst. It's a softcore magazine which houses insipid interviews with celebrities as well as bad cartoons, poor attempts at journalism and lazy polemics. It is a slightly more mature Maxim that has the balls to actually show naked women as opposed to almost-nude women. In this day and age, there is no reason for someone to like Playboy, much less enjoy the magazine to the extent where draping one's Myspace in a repeating cover image is a sound idea. Come on, man! The Internet is 87% porn, so why not find porn that actually shows sex instead of some pussy bullshit? What a fuckin' idiot. To add insult to injury, UR BOI's got the audacity to annoy further with TWO fucking Myspace songs, one per player, such that both load up simultaneously when on his page. Fuck you. Why the fuck do you need TWO? Any indecisiveness is made dumber by them playing at the same time, which betrays the whole fucking point of putting a song on your Myspace in the first place! Goddamn.
His interests do not in any way belie his stupidity; in fact, they confirm it. I didn't take a screenshot of his interests for two reasons: 1) I didn't want your brains to shut down and 2) his 'interests' are really a series of pictures of cars, beer, women and himself with family and friends. Fucking hilarious. The guy can't write more than a paragraph of words before becoming exhausted with all the thinkin' he's doin'. He needs pictures to convey things he likes, much in the same way Jimmy Olsen points to 'CATTS' when asked for her interests and hobbies. So the guy likes cars, beer, women and hanging out with family and friends. Very original of him; a true innovator and visionary. I may not drive (and I consider beer an abhorrent drink), but I fuck women and fraternize with 'friends' and 'family' on occasion. Where we differ is I enjoy good music and he enjoys Soulja Boy. Yes, Soulja Boy. The Crazy Frog That Walks Like A Man. I don't know why one would ever 'like' Soulja Boy; he's not even producing music! He produces ringtones which somehow got labeled as music along the way! He's a commercial whore and proud of it! To quote GOB Bluth, "Come on!" He also fills some page space on his interests with those little fill outs. You know, where you type your name into a field and it randomly generates some adjectives to describe you. Again, COME ON! Those things rely on the letters in the name alone! Nothing based on your actual person, whatever little might exist! What...what the fuck is up with today's youth.
Josiah X, maybe you know the answer.
What the FUCK is this cracker bullshit. What...he ain't a cracka? He some sorta Latino Hispanic? Well, he's just as bad! I don't like those motherfuckers either. You know what he is. He's a motherfucking spigger - a spic who's trying to steal our culture AND our jobs. You can steal either, you fuckin' identityless pawn of Whitey, but not both. We black folk need our jobs or our culture; we can't do without both of it. I suggest the blacks keep everything and I KILL ALL Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS INSTEAD. Fuckin' spics just work with Whitey to keep the black man down, that's all how it is. Hence why Whitey obviously paid for this fucking Myspace page. He wanted to drown out true black expression by having more webspace taken up by a fucking cracker operative stealing black culture and ruining it with his lowrider salsa fence jumpin' bullshit. Speaking of which. I already got too many crackers in my neighborhood (1), I don't need fuckin' Hispanic motherfuckers destroying my BLACK SOVEREIGNTY. This fuckin' motherfucker here, this Kiko, he's taking my jobs and he's taking my culture. Plus, I ain't trust nobody who WANTS to come to the Uwhited States of Oppression. Man, fuck this cracker bullshit. I'm out of here, to burn down a white boy orphanage. Don't look at me like that. THEY DESERVE IT. Fuckin' honkies and honkey collaborators.
Josiah X, everyone! I don't know what it says about me when I'm starting to agree with him more and more. The Myspace gives some evidence that proves Kiko to be the ultimate sucker. At age 22, he has a girlfriend. Not strange, right? Right. But his girlfriend...has a son. A several year old son. Really now! In 2-3 years, I'm not going to fuck some broad and become a surrogate father for any loins spawn of hers. Guys who date single moms, they do so when they reach age 30, 35, 40. At that point, their virility prime is past and thus they need to broaden their field of options. Yet, again, Kiko's only 22. Either his girlfriend masterminds with the best of them, or Kiko's an absolute fucking moron. I bank on the latter, personally. Also an example of suckerdom: apparently he applied a permanent tattoo on his arm in remembrance of his grandfather. Idiot! What if someone more important to you than him dies? Use the other arm, of course. BUT, what happens when a third important person dies? Then you are fucked, buddy. With something as permanent as a tattoo (i.e. annoying to remove), one must be absolutely certain they want to waste the time and skin for a gaudy RIP image.
As for why he continues to live in Texas in spite of his minority status, here's my theory: Texans hate black people, but...they love aping black culture. Especially Texas youth. Rap music's great because it's just music and doesn't involve coming into literal contact with one of those uppity negroes. 'Black' fashion, also cool as long as your skin's pure enough to wear it and not get picked up by the police. Thus, UR BOI KIKO skates by in Texas thanks to his appropriation of black culture. That way, he's no different than the rednecks who believe if they ghettoify their cars enough they'll become the next Eminem or Bubba Sparxxx. No threat to the larger culture, then, although I assume he receives a couple of "go back to Mexico" cracks every so often. Alternate theory: he dresses up in whiteface before he goes out in public.
Overall, Kiko's a damn fool, of no academic or intellectual worth, with no positive qualities about him, except for possibly brute strength if one requires a mindless foot soldier in a...that's it!!! He should join the military! No one better to go fight for Iraq's fraydom than some idiot who won't amount to anything more successful than a lifetime stay in a body bag.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: