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Myspace Loser of the Week
Nerdlinger Team-Up #10, or #11, or somewhere around there
by Doom and Nerdlinger
Week 80: Kel Mitchell
And so we reach yet another milestone! Although we really are stretching the definition of the term 'milestone' if we mark every nice, round number in our weekly features as a landmark of our ability to write a certain amount of things a certain number of times. We claimed 50 was special, 75 was special, and now 80. What next? 90 important? 100? 110? Ridiculous. Regardless, we decided it best to devote Myspace 80 to someone quite, quite special in terms of idiocy. Someone every child of the 90s should know and...I wouldn't say 'like', but perhaps 'remember with nostalgia-flecked memories'? Yeah, that sounds right. I'm referring to former All That star, former Good Burger star, former Kenan and Kel star, former 'person people definitively agreed upon as being alive' Kel Mitchell!
"WHO LOVES ORANGE SODA?! KEL LOVES ORANGE SODA! Is it true? Mmm hmm... I do! I do! I do-ooo!" Well, there goes to height of Kel Mitchell's stardom. Truly, his "Orange Soda" line is perhaps his most well known through his many years of acting on the children's television network Nickelodeon. And I'll be damned if anything tries to take that away from my memories. These days, though, it seems Kel Mitchell is trying his damnedest, and failing, to keep a spot in the limelight. Sure, he may have been Invisible Boy in Mystery Men, and he may have been co-host of dance show Dance 360, if my memory serves me correctly. Those roles have yet to solidify Kel Mitchell as anything but that stoner from Good Burger, or Repair Man, or that retard who continually said "Jupiter!" or anything else. His Myspace shows him as slipping down the slope of the C-list into the death valley of obscurity. The "is now working as an escort" second line in the "Where Are They Now?" feature isn't far away.
Now Kel Mitchell is trying to sabotage my memories by becoming something more than "former child star". Now he wants to become well known for his comedy tracks, parodies of current Rap and R&B hits. It's as if Kel is trying to become the Black Weird Al. However, Weird Al has already become the Black Weird Al in his latest album Straight Outta Lynwood, as Josiah X has previously reviewed. So what does this make Kel then? I suppose you could say a crappy Black Weird Al. And I do not think we need a crappy Black Weird Al. One exists already, and the crappy Weird Als of the white variety have shown us empirically that Weird Al of any color or creed can only be tolerated if the original Weird Al.
Repeating background of the same image = classic low rent Myspace for people unaware of aesthetics.
Visually and audibly, the viewer is disgusted by the sheer level of Kel pictures, videos and information presented upon first entering the URL and pressing 'enter' or clicking 'go'. If Kel wasn't too fucking desperate for people to remember him, I'd say he was a fascist attempting to create a cult of personality about himself a la Benito Mussolini or Adolf Hitler or Ronald Reagan. Still, it's quite grating to see him as often as you do. Does he really need to remind people that much who he is? Will people forget who this Kel Mitchell is if they see 4 huge images of him as opposed to 5? Come on now. Ridiculous, right? Maybe he is indeed so unrecognizable that it takes two headlining series or a literal ticker tape parade of images of himself to capture popularity. That would explain the Kel aesthetic, yet I would still not forgive him for showing me more him than I needed to experience in my life. Christ, he needs to find a job other than taking self photographs.
The immediate action the Myspace profile takes is loading up the music player and playing the purported "Kel's Voicemail". On it, he leaves messages on his own voicemail since it's obvious that he wouldn't need the sound file if other people actually left him voicemail. Kel reprises most of his popular characters, such as Ed, Repairman, Clavis (or Mavis, I don't care), and the "Jupiter" spouting retard. This highlights two things: one, he must play on the nostalgia of his only real success, which happened more than a decade ago I might add, and two, the motherfucker thinks this is a gift to the fans who presumably hound for Ed quotes all the time. Well, I suppose thing 2.5 would be an assumption of fans in the first place, but that's not central to the point. The point is the first element of the Myspace to load just reminds the viewer of better times that are not the times Kel wants to sell you on. It undercuts the pitch inherent in the Myspace.
One of the more hilarious aspects (out of the entire fucking funny profile) of Kel's Myspace page is the fact that it has to be entitled "The Real Kel Mitchell" in the URL. Supposedly, having that title solidifies the fact that you are, indeed, the actual person who you say you are portraying. Usually, I would believe these kinds of things, but given the numerous amounts of pornstar Myspaces I've had to frequent (while searching for future Myspace Losers, honestly), I've found quite a bunch of them are "The Real (Pornstar)" when searching for just one. So, while insignificant it may seem to some, it just goes to show that Kel Mitchell has become slightly paranoid that someone else out there may try to steal his former claim to fame on the internet. EGADS! ANYTHING BUT MY LOST DAYS OF YOUTH AND GLORY TO BE TAKEN AWAY BY SOME PUNK KID WITH INTERNET ACCESS! I AM THE SOLE PERSON TO DESERVE THE GOOD BURGER MANTEL!
The above gives many clear indications that Kel either wrote his own biography or embellished it to an extreme extent. No one fucking needs this much information about a guy known better as "the fourth most successful person to come out of All That". The biography literally lists every fucking role he's ever had and every fucking job he's ever taken. Hell, I'm surprised the bio didn't go on to talk about his experiences working at a car wash at age 13. Not to mention the biography contains some errors, such as saying Nickelodeon was 'then new' in 1994. Yet a cursory look at Wikipedia shows the network's foundation as occurring in 1979. Over a decade constitutes being 'established', not 'then new'. A pathetic, avoidable error. I highly doubt Kenan and Kel turned orange soda into a cultural phenomenon. I think idiots too poor for orange juice yet too dignified for orange drink created orange soda's use for mixing drinks. With fundamental facts such as these distorted or concocted, how is one able to trust the rest?
What happened to me after reading Kel's Myspace for a long enough time.
The flagrant self-promotion of Mr. Mitchell fails when it comes down to it, as he doesn't have anything fucking going on. Honeydripper, albeit directed by John Sayles, is not a notable role for Kel. On IMDB it takes about 14 names to go through before seeing his name. He plays "Possum". I cannot imagine a character named Possum being significant to the overall plot or story or themes or anything. Most likely explanation for involvement: John Sayles found a penniless, delusional man shouting out "Welcome to Good Burger" intermittingly between threatening to stab unless money is given. Sayles felt sympathy upon realizing the hobo was an aspiring or has-been actor and offered a minor role in his upcoming film. Or a sandwich. Mitchell took the role and probably stole a sandwich from Craft Services. I believe that explanation more than the mundane yet also improbable one that'd require Sayles to have seen Mystery Men, and/or Kel to have an agent, and/or for Kel to have a phone.
What else is there to say? He's a sad joke made sadder by his own desperation in a resurrecting a flagging career. Come on, Kenan. Throw your old buddy some bucks so he doesn't need to engage in pathetic behavior. Lorne's sweatshop must pay better than Dance 360. It must.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: