Best viewed in 1280x1024
The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
I can't believe this is even a question
by Tom Barrett
Seriously, Wisconsin. What the fuck's wrong with you?
For one thing, I don't look like a registered sex offender.
I'm still trailing in the polls with two days until the election. I can understand why I lost in 2010; there was a Republican backlash against Obama's victory and his policies. My campaign was rather low key and anemic. Even I'll admit I didn't take the campaign seriously enough to win over independent voters. But this recall election? Jesus fuckin' Christ. What the hell do I have to do to get support from you fuckers? Walker's made it goddamn easy to vote against him, considering he's a total failure as a governor who's rolled back collective bargaining rights, women's rights and the viability of the middle class. What, does he have to tie down damsels in distress to train tracks before you'll come to the conclusion "yeah, that dude's a douchebag"? Ugh. I seriously don't get what your problem is, Wisconsin. I've been mayor of Milwaukee, I've been a congressman, I ran a campaign showing why I was a better choice than Governor Scott Ratfucker 2 years ago, yet you still haven't decided whether you'd prefer me or a college dropout who committed electoral fraud when he was in college. The choices could not be starker.
But I guess I have to reiterate this for you all. Scott Walker is a far-right rockstar who doesn't care about Wisconsin, not one bit. He cares about fleecing the state so he can compensate the backers that have financed his campaigns so handsomely. He doesn't care about women, as shown by the repeal of the Equal Pay Act, he doesn't care about teachers and firefighters and police, he doesn't care about the poor and the middle class, he doesn't care about minorities and he doesn't care about homosexuals. I don't want to sell off Wisconsin's assets to out of state billionaires. I don't think gay rights are different from human rights. I don't want to pit us against them, them being a group of people in Wisconsin. I've been saying this stuff for months; what do I have to do, invest in a loudspeaker? You don't need to watch $30 million's worth in ads to know these things. You should know better and it shames me that you don't.
Look, I wasn't the union's first choice and a lot of people have blasted me for legitimate reasons, like the fact that I employed Act 10 in Milwaukee. That's all fair. Yet that pales in comparison to all the corrupt, divisive, terrible things Scott Walker's done in less than two years in office. Compared to Walker, I'm John F. Kennedy, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Bill Clinton all wrapped into one guy. I actually know how to govern and negotiate with people who don't agree with me or my ideas. Scott's a goddamn idiot, he smiles like he doesn't know what's going on at the time and he makes Ronald Reagan look like Teddy Roosevelt. How much more evidence do you need that he's an incompetent fool? For God's sake, he had a 20 minute conversation with someone he thought was David Koch when he didn't have the time of day for Democratic senators! To my knowledge, Scott Walker is not only the the sole governor in the nation with a criminal defense fund, he's the sole governor in the nation who was tricked by a prank phone call. Who knows what'll happen if we let him complete the term. He could very well get tricked by someone impersonating a Nigerian prince and, next thing you know, our Capital Building is leased to us by a scam artist. We can't afford someone so goddamn stupid at the helm of our state.
I know some of you are saying I don't have a jobs plan. Well, that's not true. I had one in 2010; remember 2010? I ran for governor and you should remember what I said back then, but it's okay if you don't have an attention span that long. I released a 67 page plan to increase the number of jobs in this state and increase the number of good, well paying jobs with robust benefits in this state. A lot of policy prescriptions were in those 67 pages. Scott Walker's campaign responded with a 68 page plan with text so ridiculously large it would only come out to 3 pages with a reasonable font size. Don't you see the stupid shit I'm up against, a childish nimrod who also filmed a boxing-themed campaign advertisement not long after I was the victim of a violent assault? I'm a grown man waging a campaign against a grown man who behaves like a 10 year old. You can see why I'm so frustrated by the poll numbers now. He's a fucking clown and yet apparently almost a majority of you want to reelect a clown for the most powerful statewide office, no matter what he's done the last 18 months. I may not have enumerated all the ways I'd improve our economy and make the state an appealing place to create jobs in the current campaign, but you can be certain I'm not going to jot down a few talking points and put everything in size 72 font. I respect you too much. Only a moron with no common sense and no basic respect for others would do such a thing. Speaking of Scott Walker...
He's blatantly corrupt. 13 people have been granted immunity in the John Doe probe. Several others have been indicted for felonies. They embezzled money that was supposed to go to veterans and their families for fuck's sake. By contrast, the corruption in my mayoral administration extends to my wife e-mailing political stuff from her mps e-mail account, which is not actually a crime, just something the school system frowns upon. How my morals can be called into question, how that douchebag puts out a dead baby ad about me, while Scott Walker's a few months away from doing the perp walk is maddening. I really don't understand it. Are you conservatives so petty, so spiteful, so blind that you're going to let a dishonest, unethical governor stay in office because he's "your guy" and he "punished the unions"? It's awfully myopic thinking. Short of Scott Walker killing a puppy on live television I don't think you will become outraged, and even then half of you would see that footage and say the Democrats doctored the footage. What really happened, according to AV geeks Charlie Sykes and Jeff Wagner, Scott Walker was using his conceal carry law to stop a robbery personally. I don't get you people. Maybe Toronto's looking for a new mayor... always liked that place.
But okay, I know that my words only have so much value to you. I'm going to wrap this up. If you want an experienced public servant, vote for me. But if you want to believe a bunch of crazy promises about public employees cleaning your gutters and waxing your car, then by all means vote for this sleazy lunatic. Although, seriously, don't. I don't want to have to deal with this dumbass fucking up my city with new laws that criminalize African-Americans and eliminating taxes for corporations. I really don't have time for it. If you vote him in again and come crying to me in 2014 after he's wrecked the economy more than he already has, it'll be so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye. [Sanford & Sam theme plays]