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Why Scientology is better than all other religions
by Doom
We've heard the horror stories of badly written science-fiction with a monthly parishioner subscription, we saw the Tom Cruise couch...whatever...incident, we saw the South Park episode. But what does Scientology REALLY mean for America and the world at large? The 21st century is witnessing the beginnings of the next major religion, I'm telling you now. Don't believe me? I expected you not to (they said the same thing about the Galileo and the VHS Prophet), so that's why I've written this article for the purpose of telling you exactly why Scientology will become a major religion and why it will be better than all the other major religions - combined. Oh, I can fucking argue it.
1. Scientology is more exciting. Spaceships, volcanoes, alien souls, John Travolta, evil spirit beings, time travel, etc. You tend to not expect such off-the-wall craziness in religion, a venue usually subjected to laborious stories of who's descended from who and a lot of Jews walking in a desert for 40 years for no reason other than to get into an ultimately pointless conflict with the Palestinians. Scientology is like Star Wars only more confusing and less good, but while you're reading the schlock, it pulls you in, as opposed to the Dungeons & Dragons meets Hemingway-for-Hallmark-Cards feel of the holy texts. Anything can happen in the books of Hubbard (except the truth...or reality...or good writing)! And let's be honest. Is it REALLY worth it to argue the differences in plausibility between 'take a test to see how many alien spirits are in you' and 'snake tells naked man to eat evil fruit'. (Unrelated sidenote: apparently, Xenu as a concept is so distressing, the upper echelons warn members on the path to learning about Xenu that if they're not sufficiently ready, the reveal could FUCKING KILL THEM. Man.)
2. Scientology is more profitable. Other religions fail in the free market by offering themselves to the poor, the unfortunate, people who have no good source of income. The market laughs at these religions. Scientology plays it smart by having its patrons donate huge sums of money to keep with the religion, meaning only the people with the desire and the skill to become successful can convert to Scientology. They also made the smart choice of only letting people read the books after a certain amount of money has been donated. Imagine how fucking profitable Christianity would be if you needed to pay a certain amount of money to learn of Jesus Christ's eternal sacrifice for the sins of mankind to be erased! See, the Xenu haters know the REAL way to run religious doctrine - like a pyramid scheme.
3. No influence on government policy. Except for a random copy of Top Gun appearing on Bush's Netflix, there has been absolutely no influence of Scientologists in the White House or in any of the other government corridors. Christian influence plagues the White House, especially in the past 6 years of Bush's reactionary theocracy, our government policy these days boiling down to "Gays = evil", "Women shouldn't have abortions no matter what", "Intelligent design is science! With God...and stuff!" and other such Imaginary Guy in Sky goodbye separation of church and state retardedness. I doubt the possibilities of Bush going in for an auditing or a customary check of his Thetan level. See, Xenu knows not to expunge the wall between government and craziness!
4. Better first disciples. If you want to start up a really good religion, one which will rise to the top in a short amount of time, you need the first disciples and followers of your religion be really, really good. That said, in practice, this logical conclusion rarely occurs. Look at the first followers of Judaism: Slaves. Christianity: fishermen, tax collectors, prostitutes. Islam: Sandniggers. Frankly, the big three religions started out with the worship equivalent of the Los Angeles Clippers talent pool. Scientologists have a markedly better roster: Hollywood celebrities! Directors! Writers! Rich people! The Los Angeles Lakers (before Shaq left and everything sucked) of religious followers. As any box office analyst will tell you, celebrities bring in the money and I'd bet they bring in the future Scientologists, too. "Be like Tom Cruise" is far more enticing than "Be like Doubting Thomas or Paul the Closeted Homosexual".
5. Scientology will soon overtake Hollywood. For all the stereotypes and generalizations, the gays and the Jews DO run Hollywood. But not for much longer! Scientology is almost to the point where it'll dethrone both the David Geffens and the Woody Allens of the sick and twisted maze of egomania and cocaine referred to by us as Movieland. With Hollywood eventually firmly controlled, the nutbars and their auditers (gotta hand it to Hubbard, he managed to turn religion into a fucking accountant intervention) are free to destroy midwestern children's minds with a lot of Dianetics movies and video games and a leaked video of Paris Hilton getting fucked in the ass by Xenu.
6. People who the Scientologists murder deserve it. True, the Scientologists fairly regularly murder dissenters, on a proportion likely higher than dissenters slaughtered by Christians, Muslims or Buddhists in recent history. Many former Scientologists or vocal critics of Scientology end up 'mysteriously missing' or, more properly, 'dead and decomposing' (hell, we're lucky Seinfeld never got Jimmy Hoffaed somewhere in West Hollywood). But don't those fuckers deserve it? As any aficionados of authoritarianism recognize, the true path to dominance is by crushing opposition of those who no longer suck from the teat of your rhetoric. The Hubbardites are simply following the Stalin gameplan of erasing the opposition - literally. Other religions go the pussy direction by discrediting people with accusations of homosexuality and immigrantism. Bah. The real way to run a religion is similar to a mob - keep your friends close, and fucking bury your enemies under a mound of legal paperwork or a football field.
7. No warring Scientology denominations (yet). When two religions aren't fighting each other, two inane subsets of religions are fighting each other in a bloody debate which is the equivalent of "Who's better, Earth-1 Superman or Earth-2 Superman?" See Iraq for more on insane sectarian violence! No one religion has gone without stupid divisions or differentiations which go on to fuel conflict for centuries upon centuries, a total blight upon society. With Scientology, there's a choice between the retarded religion based off a lot of shitty sci-fi novels...and the retarded religion based off a lot of shitty sci-fi novels. Until a schism occurs between the Travoltings and the Cruisers, one can expect a unified front of idiocy as opposed to the warring, violent, life-destroying sects of retardism.
8. Homosexuality slightly less hypocritical. It's always great fun when you read in the newspaper the latest outing of a virulently anti-gay Christian minister. They practice the very thing they preach against! Hilarious! While Scientology rails against homos fairly often, their level of bigotry is considerably less when compared to the hypocrisy of gay clerics and preachers. On the Hollywood cult side, only very few stringent Scientologists secretly love the cock (John Travolta, Tom Cruise). I read somewhere that Hubbard hated homos, and indeed a whole menagerie of shit which easily paints his movement as socially conservative with a lot of wishy washy New Age crap thrown in to crazily concoct a meandering mess. But nothing resembles the furor of Christians against fags and the shocking, shocking hypocrisy of guys who secretly want to stuff a whole loaf of Christ body up their asse, and therefore I commend Tom Cruise and the Travolta for being slightly less hypocritical in their anti-gay closet casing.
9. Scientology has massive crossover opportunity. Nerds love crossovers, and as a religion based on shitty sci-fi novels, there are many opportunities and properties for Scientology to cross over with. Star Trek? Of course. Star Wars? Easy. Battlestar Galactica? Possible. Imagine the fucking money to be made! And imagine the amount of conversions the cult would net after incorporating the plight of the alien spirits or whatever the fuck intersects with the Starship Enterprise! SPOCK VS. XENU, MOTHERFUCKERS! And then after defeating Xenu, the Enterprise and Travolta team-up further to defeat Galactus, Emperor Palpatine, Sauron, King Kong, and Opus Dei. Holy fuck would it EVER bring in the fucking money AND new worshippers (unfortunately these worshippers would be nerds). Christianity, Judaism, Islam, all work on fairly strict continuity not allowing anything in the way of inter-religious crossovers. The closest they get to that is half-baked, quickly cancelled spin-offs (Mormonism, My Mother the Koran). Scientology knows where it's at, allowing the possibility of crossovers to enhance the religion's cred, boost sales and steal the ideas of better writers and George Lucas. My foremost suggestion: Scientology/X-Men, since it'd bring Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart (opening it up for a TNG crossover!) and to a lesser extent Brian Cox to the table, and, as proven through Marvel sales charts year in and year out, anything with an X on it sells.
10. Scientology never started a war. President Magilla consistently frames our War on Terror as a 'crusade', and Muslims certainly feel the Christian nation of the USA is waging a war against the 1.2 billion Muslims in the world. Not to mention the whole Israel/Palestine shit. Hubbard's crazy beliefs never started a war; not one. Not a single war! Perhaps a new record for a religion. Furthermore, fuck, Scientology hasn't even started a good outrage riot or boycott (the riot over Battlefield Earth not winning an Oscar doesn't count); no, litigation is their tool of choice. And isn't litigiousness one of the foundations of America, along with fast food, greed and Richard Cohen's incoherent lathering?
See? The superior, perfect religion, as least compared to every other bullshit, stupid religion. Anyone who wants to be a religious idiot, the only logical choice is Scientology, because it works to everyone's advantage. You get a stupid ideology to follow rife with stupid beliefs and stupid rituals and false hope that the only thing for you after death is not worms eating your dead flesh. I get a religion rife with stupid beliefs and stupid rituals to mock without all the soul crushing, depressing, shitty violence and influence on government policy to make me angrier. Win-win!