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Left Behind 3: World at War Review
by Doom, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, Commando and Black Goliath
I must say, I'm impressed they were able to nab a Morgan Freeman impersonator for the role of the President.
Ah, Left Behind 3. I have fond initial memories of the film, entirely because the first time I watched it was when I was tripping balls on dextromethorphan (aka DXM). This particular trip gave me the short term memory span of about 3 minutes, so I was constantly dazzled by the film and by my ability to yell out a Shane-like "LEMMMMM!". This lack of memory fit Left Behind 3 well because it hammers home the same fucking point over and over again every 5 minutes until it's over, that message being 'convert or become a Jewnited Nations puppet slave whose final fate is going to be eternity in Hell and/or socialized medicine France'. Being on drugs is also just about the only state which makes watching this drivel tolerable, since the wonderful haze of hallucinogens, opiates and other various mind clouders obscure or obfuscate Left Behind 3's obvious plot inanity, special effects problems and pathetic proselytizing to an intended audience of nonbelievers who will never fucking watch unless they work for a website dealing in coverage of incoherent Christian garbage such as this. But since you won't be reading this review or watching Left Behind III on drugs or drink, you're pretty much fucked in terms of enjoyment.
We've established the Left Behind as spectacularly inept. The special effects are awful and the acting could be compared to that of Spanish-language soap operas and perhaps Bibleman, which is appropriate considering the subject matter. The plot, however, runs like a Fox News talking points memo. Replace "Anti-Christ" with "Ted Kennedy" and this movie might seem eerily familiar. The first two involved a bunch of losers trying to save the world from the evil head of the One World Government, Bill Clinton. Er, uh, I mean Carpathia, a vaguely European man-monster who fops to the tune of the Triumph of the Will soundtrack. This week, our white heroes have to stop the coming onslaught of a one world government offering atheism and aid to all countries by passing out Bibles. But the ZOG is up to no good! They have tainted all the Bibles with anthrax. Yes. I'm serious. It's actually in the movie, not just a hallucination brought on by overuse of drugs. The Trib Force tries to stop this, and a lot of their whopping 5 member paramilitary group dies, but the virus is cured through the use of - wait for it - WINE. Jesus Christ, did I write this movie when I was too drunk to remember? Oh, yeah, the black guy dies too, after being portrayed by a new guy in this one as opposed to the guy who played Pastor Black Man in the first two. I like how they think Christians won't notice. Well, they won't, true...
World at War also introduces a new character to the cast of 6 or 7. It's the President of the United States who takes on a pivotal role in this one, so much so that the promotion people actually put the black president on the cover of the DVD. Clearly, Left Behind 3 is a whole different animal from the first two if it's actually respecting negroes this time around. No doubt longtime fans got pissed off - remember, the racists weren't happy in the beginning when the Pastor in the books got nigged up in the first movie. On the plus side for racists, Proto-Obama dies a horrible, horrible death and the White Power Slav emerges victorious. Sure, he's a Slav, but better a Russian untermensch than Donkey Kong! President figures into the plotline because he learns of the TRUTH about General-Secretary Molotov Eichmann - he's an anthrax-lacing Bible booster! And he murdered the President's aide/friend/something. NOW IT'S PERSONAL! As mentioned, he fights Carpathia and loses, but not before Buck makes him a Christian. Wait, aren't all black guys Baptists who hate homosexuals to an insane degree? And why does he have to be baptized or whatever before he fights Hitler? So he can join Magic Man if he dies? Fucking stupid bullshit. It does end in the UN headquarters exploding, so Ron Paul and his militia buds should have some spank material now.
In the previous Left Behind films, the "best" scenes were always those rotating around what that wacky anti-Christ, Nicolae Carpathia and Left Behind 3 is no different. The previous two films were mostly him saying ominous shit in his poorly done vague Eastern European accent, along with the occasional glowing red eyes bit, but in the third film we get to see some of his amazing anti-Christ superpowers, along with his next genius plot to once and for all wipe out those damn Bible huggers. There's a point where you realize the good/evil battle of the Left Behind films is on the same level as Scooby-Doo gang versus Butler or Pinky and the Brain versus whatever. In all seriousness, Nicolae's big plan to ensure the Bible lovers will meddle with his plans no more is to poison Bibles with some mysterious virus and then let the cover-ops conversion squad "Tribulation Force" steal them back. Yes, poisoned Bibles. I wonder if Chuck Austen stole the exploding communion wafers from Left Behind, the other way around, or in this world two people can come to the same stupid idea at around the same time. Left Behind 3 gives more time to Nicolae's scheming than the previous films, which involves him talking to TV screens of also vaguely Eastern European/Asian/Middle Eastern people (the trio of ethnic terror, if you will). Further, we find out that Nicolae is bullet proof, telekinetic, and all around immortal as we watch President Negro's attempts to kill him fail time and again. Bullets pass through him, check. Cruise missile doesn't even fuck up his shitty haircut, check. But did anyone try holy water? I mean, come on, the Catholics have to be right about something. Maybe he's not even the Anti-Christ; maybe he's a vaaaaampire!
At any rate, the only part of the film on par with Carpathia's immortal antics are how his evil plot to kill the Bible Huggers fails, except for the black guy. He kills him. Which makes sense; it's a Christian movie, sure, but it's still a movie. Anyway, with the basement of what is, apparently, the only remaining church on Earth, filling up with the dead and dying from Carpathia's evil Bible poison plot, the members of the Tribulation Force make a stunning discovery. See, Kirk "Generic McNewscaster" Cameron's wife and Mr. "The Black Guy" of the team are both dying of the poison (OH IF ONLY THEY DIDN'T WANT TO READ LEVITICUS ONE MORE TIME) and some of the other members of the Tribulation Force decide that, before they die, they should have holy communion. Want to guess what cures the poison? Yes, it's completing communion with God! Sadly, black guy must not have (DAMN HIM AND HIS INTOLERANCE TO ANYTHING BUT MALT LIQUOR) because he still dies, but the young white girl/wife? Lives. Praise be. And so Carpathia is foiled again, to think up another zany way to kill the Bible Huggers before real Jesus shows up, which at this rate will probably involve copies of the The Passion of the Christ and a large hammer. An end to a trilogy should probably have an, uh, 'ending'.
There is something inherently evil about the Bible, and I'm not just talking about the parts involving Satan. The Left Behind series is the incarnation of everything wrong with Christianity put into moving picture form. See, Left Behind 3's not a movie; rather, it's a propaganda tool designed to reaffirm the beliefs of all the firebrand believers out there who think salvation will come in the form of a giant rotating statue bearing the image of Reverend Falwell (AKA Floridians and Texans). It derives most of its theology off a loosely defined book of Revelation (AKA, the part of the Bible written by the man who lived in a cave and was hepped up on goof-balls), the one book of the Bible solely designed to remind us how much we should hate the Jews. Next is the part just after the start of the 7 year war that everyone will be killed in, right before Jesus comes back and shepherds all the righteous to Heaven while casting all of the wicked (Jews n' Hindus) straight to Hell (so much for loving your fellow man). I'm surprised they can fund this shit (even though the special effects look like Photoshop shit-cropping) what with all of the big name actors in it, like Kirk Cameron and uhhh...that one black man.
The effect of blatant political conservatism on production values is hilarious. Sure, right-wing propaganda permeates shows like, say, 24, but it's subtle and implied, and therefore it can be justified by studios to fund it. Outright proselytizing is much harder to justify and produces a much lower yield of profit as evangelism in film is quite boring. Everyone knows that only the lamest of religious people actually watch religious TV, mainly the old and the hopelessly indoctrinated, because it's retarded. Thus, we come to the conservative Christian stereotype expressed in the Left Behind series. The newest iteration in the series finds God's soldiers stealing government-confiscated bibles, in the process driving off and leaving a fellow soldier for dead rather than risk losing the Bibles. This four to five person 'terrorist cell' somehow is a thorn in the One World Government's side to such an extent that they serve as the Scooby Doo gang to the World President's Costumed Old Man. These Christians are willing to use force and any other means necessary to convert people. I can see this as a disturbing call to arms by the creators for Christians to rise up and become a mass swarm of right-wing militias...were the film not incredibly poorly done, incoherent and stupid. But that does not wash away their intentions. Why else would they make this bullshit?
Let's ask God about his opinion!
I don't fucking know. [IMPLAUSIBILITY EXPLODES] FUCK! STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS OR I'LL DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL. Now this. This I like better. Mainly because the fucking Jewnited Nations is blown up. YEAH, YOU HEARD ME. GOD DOESN'T FUCKING LIKE THE UNITED NATIONS AT ALL. If I wanted you morons to have a United Nations, I WOULD HAVE FUCKING CREATED IT MYSELF. Did I? NO, I DIDN'T. SO STOP ALL THIS JEW WORLD ORDER BULLSHIT. I don't want those assholes running things. I made all this paradise shit for the Jews, give them my son and so on. How do they respond? "UH, NO, LET'S WATCH SOME WOODY ALLENBERG INSTEAD". I repeat: Fuck. Them. In order good news, Left Behind 3 kills some blacks finally. The filmmakers must finally have started actually READING the Bible. And best of all, they figured out what I tried to tell you shitstains in the Bible: LIQUOR CURES EVERYTHING. LIQUOR CURES DISEASE. WHY DO YOU THINK I KNOCK BACK SHIRAZ MADE OF ABORTED FETUS SOULS? LIQUOR KEEPS ME CLASSY! Drinking solves all your problems and yet so many of you just don't get it. It's fucking sad when those Catholic Irish freaks are the only ones who understand my divine FUCKING WORDS. Perhaps Left Behind 3 will teach people how to cure themselves of shit. Course, knowing you fags, you'll simply focus on the fucking Kirk Cameron loser and President Bojangles. You creations don't even deserve to have the privilege to worship my greatness.
The joys of seeing Kirk Cameron flaunt his faith so blatantly is worth the price of admission for about 10 minutes After the hilarity wears off, it's all downhill from there. Forget the Christian overtones, and put aside your liberal bias for a minute. This is not a good movie. This is not even an average movie. Left Behind 3 is, in my opinion, one of the worst movies of all time. It's on my top ten list of crappy movies, joining the illustrious group of You Got Served, The Condemned, and Cinderella 3. But why am I so down on this series? Come on! You've been reading 2000 words of a point by point destruction of the flick's bad effects, overblown and inane plot, paper thin characters (Christians = white, paragons of morality, Europeans, Arabs = evil) and preposterous revelation after revelation to the point where you realize even the fucking Bible's more realistic. If God did exist, he wouldn't subject us to 90 minutes worth of "CONVERT, YOU ASSHOLES!". Or maybe he would, since the Old Testament implies he's a jealous sociopath who kills people to 'test' them (JIGSAW KILLER OF SAW?!!?!). No matter what, though, fuck him to inspiring some of the worst filmmaking in years. FUCK YOU!
How many Hail Marys do I need for this to be good?: 60-goddamn-billion