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LIVEJOURNAL MORON OF THE WEEK
Special analysis by STEVE MOTHERFUCKING NILES
On occasion, people ask me, "Doom, why don't you mock fangirls? You waste several hours of your life every so often to insult comic book nerds of the penis side, but why no bashing the fairer sex?" Well, it's not out of some bizarre sense of chivalry. It's because my brain virtually stops when I encounter fangirls in any situation. I know some of you right now are thinking, "Well, that's sorta unfair, painting an entire gender of nerds with a bit of a broad brush." You're...wrong. You just are. I'm not generalizing at all. The vagina of hermaphrodite Satan spit out these monsters and since the dawn of time they've been reproducing asexually [not even the Babylonians were crazy enough to stick theirs there] and slashing Jesus with Simon Peter and Caligula with everyone and Christopher Columbus with Bartolomé de Las Casas and so fucking on and so fucking forth. In short, I hate them. In long, learn why I hate them!
The fangirl[s] I'm focusing on here are ones specifically bitching about the lack of characters of color in DC comics and then the lack of characters of color in fanfiction. Or so I'm told. I didn't read the entire thing. If you click the line [those brave enough to do so], you'll be reading for a very fucking long time. First of all, I'm really skeptical of this thete1 person actually being black. You see, the girl and everyone else who responded to her dumbass overtly-long entry has NEVER GONE OUTSIDE. Why do I know? I...fucking know. Read 20 words of her entry and you'll fucking know too. So she's not black since you need sunlight to be anything but an albino. Or maybe...she went outside once, got heavily burned and is thus black! Anyway, her entry is more than 4,000 words long, and despite the title "My Other Problem with Recent DC Events", but she talks about Stargate SG-Nerd and HOUSE and a lot of non-DC related things. Her final conclusion? DC sucks for killing off 2 black guys and stripping an Asian girl of her Batgirl title, which is totally true except for one of the black guys has been resurrected as the Spectre...and Cassandra Cain is still Batgirl. And she forgets the random killings of White Firestorm, White Blue Bettle and White Atom in favor of Black Firestorm, Hispanic Blue Beetle and Asian Atom...HER POST IS NOT IN CONTINUITY NHOYVEN!!! But that's not the point. The point, from what I can tell is we need more black people in the 'canon' of things so untalented wannabe writers are able to write fiction without the dastardly trouble of coming up with original ideas.
Very stupid, right? Well, it gets worse. Much worse. See, her post somehow got 384, meaning at least 384 other people get not laid as often she gets not laid. I'm not going to comment on every comment, I go outside regularly you know, but I will comment on a few of the more idiotic ones, which doesn't narrow down the field much if at all. Let's take a look at the first social shut-in!
I don't get her rationale. I mean, she's never interacted with elves or vampires, but then she's never seen a black person or a Polish person, so why not? Hell, I don't even think she's met a real boy outside of the fucker from Angel at one of those fangirl nerd conventions [she attended wearing head to toe cloth, covering her from the burning of fluorescent light]. Though I understand it to an extent. When pissed off, black people bust caps [and not in a Pog sort of way], Asians use their ninja abilities, and Hispanics refuse to wash your car. Gay men do nothing except snap their fingers in incredibly impressive formations and maybe stop giving you fashion tips. Rape victims usually just cry or become rapists themselves [okay, that one can get a little dicey, I admit]. See? No downside to misrepresenting them, whereas the Big 3 racial minorities tend to be pissed off when misrepresented [and Indians just drink themselves stupid when criticized. Same applies for the Kennedys].
I took this social leper's heartfelt nerd comment to heart and wrote my own fake Smallville episode:
Pete: "Hey, guys!"
Whitney: "I thought we told you you ain't wanted here, nee-gro."
Moose: "Yeah, go back to the circus where you belong."
Clark: "Hey, leave him alone."
Whitney: "You're a friend of a nigger? You're just as bad as him!"
Lana: "Watch me look wistful while Clark obviously pervs over me."
Pete: "I'm just a normal human being! Stop pelting me with bananas!"
Lex: "Did somebody say 'bananas'?" [eats banana suggestively]
It sorta goes on and on like that.
Doom's girlfriend: Anything interesting happen to you today?
Doom: Yes, I learned that there are people more pathetic than people who write fanfiction.
Doom's girlfriend: Wow!
Doom: I know.
Wow. Now I'm starting to become depressed. Do people really think like this? Really? I understand Nazis. I understand Black Israelites. I understand fans of Donny Osmond, even. But I do not under any circumstance understand a mental patient concerned with the political ramifications of her Chase/Foreman slashfiction. It's finally starting to sink in, the existence of these people, and now I'm depressed. People in Iraq are slaughtered every day, and yet, and YET, people debating the offensiveness or lack thereof of writing fanfiction involving minorities...have a lower chance of dying. Sickening.
Whew, I'm on a roll tonight. So on a roll I called my good friend STEVE NILES to chime in.
HEY YA, BITCHES! It's Steve Motherfucking Niles with a Steve Motherfucking Niles Motherfucking Chick Analysis! No, I'm not gonna fuck any chicks in the ass...though the night is still young and my dick has only torn through 16 chicks tonight! Look, THE NILESTER doesn't know why these bitches are fighting. Steve Niles steals girlfriend of all different races, creeds and countries. He doesn't judge by what her skin color is or whether she says "OH GOD" or "OH ALLAH" or "OY VEY" during sex, but rather HOW FINE HER TITS ARE OR HOW STEVE NILES SLAMMABLE HER PUSSY IS OR HOW HIGH OF A LEVEL OF STEVE NILES SUPERCOCK STEVE SPERM SHE IS ABLE TO GUZZLE IN 30 SECONDS OR LESS. Steve Niles spreads his DREAM OF SUPERCOCK IN EVERY CHICK'S MOUTH to everyone except for a] fat chicks b] chicks who used to have chicks or still have dicks c] fags because fags are FUCKING GAY and d] these bitches. Why not these bitches? They don't deserve THE NILESING. Steve Niles fucks bitches who go outside, not weird fucking nerd bitches whining about fucking Iron Man not being black anymore so they can't gayblack fagslash him anymore or WHATEVER. They're so pathetic I give them my LOWEST NILESRATING EVER. A 1 OUT OF AWESOME, WHICH MEANS I WON'T EVEN USE THEM AS A BALLSWASHER. Well, I gotta GO, I need to reunite Paul McCartney and his wife so I can STEAL HER FROM HIM! HAHAHAHAHA!
As always, Steve "The Motherfucking" Niles tells a little truth and shows us the path to enlightenment. To wrap things up, what have we learned: fangirls are losers, race only matters in life when it's related to slashing people, and, oh, fangirls are losers [is the correct term 'losettes'?]. I'd rather talk to a fanboy for a million years on the subject of Hal Jordan than talk to a fangirl for one second on the subject on anything. You know it's serious when I invoke Hal Jordan, people.
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week: