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special guest appearances by Sgt. Major and Steve Niles
You know, we've had a lot of fun over the weeks mocking a wide variety of religions. Christianity, for instance. Christianity, as well. Also, Christianity. Oh, and I almost forgot this one, Christianity. Okay, you get my point. We rarely inflict anger upon those of other sects or religions. The reasoning for this is twofold; one, none of us know enough about other religions (Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, etc.) to accurately make fun of them while not coming off as racist Toby Keith 'them people sure is different froms us!' reactionary asshole comedy. Two, as the site's aim is to satirize America and American culture, the majority of religion criticism is Christian-oriented due to the overwhelming majority of America being Christian. This, while perfectly acceptable within our aims, does us damage in the long run; it fosters an image of us approving of other religions or spiritual beliefs more than we do Christianity. This is incorrect. While we believe all faiths are inherently stupid, it ain't our place to tell people what to do worship-wise. Although...in some cases, you MUST draw a line. A line serving as the border between stupidity with its heart in the right place and drool cup foam mouth retard stupidity. The religious beliefs of this week's Livejournal Moron fit nicely into the latter category. Witness the worst set of spiritual beliefs imbued in one person since the release of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, people!
MY EYES, THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING
Immediately KittiKattie (or as she will now be referred to as, Crazy Pagan Lady) sets off the Livejournal Moron bells. For fuck's sake, she is a Goddamn English major. And an aspiring writer. Anyone who says they aspire to be a writer yet regularly keeps a Livejournal and reads Fanfiction is not a writer; they are a hack in artistic clothing. The same type of motherfuckers you see in coffee shops telling their friends their intricate plans to write brilliant scripts or write beautiful music or perform amazing plays, none of which ever come to fruition because they spend too much Goddamn time discussing it in coffee shops with their knuckle-dragging, message bag carrying friends. Not all aspiring/failing writers fit the hipster mold, however, as Crazy Pagan Lady demonstrates. Goths are not hipsters. Hipsters occasionally go outside to visit indie record stores and engage in quirky activities; goths stay inside and write shitty poetry in their poetry journal, cutting themselves every time the A-B-A-B rhyme scheme is not followed to its fullest. Crazy Pagan Lady is among the many who writes shitty fanfiction and/or original fiction on the literary level of what appears in a mid-level Star Trek zine...or Dan Brown's books. Texas A&M? Yeah, like I'm about to trust a degree from the place Herr Robert Gates misinformationates at. I bet her degree was printed off a inkjet printer, in the same manner "USSR strengthening in 1980's" was printed out to give to President Retard I!
Admittedly, my opinion on paganism isn't very fleshed out because I cannot even begin to claim in-depth knowledge of the shit. Based on my first impressions created through this chick, I will say this much: pagans should disassociate as a whole with crazy people lest they all be painted with the same idiotic brush. From what I understand based on this wonderful example of a devout pagan, paganism is Sabrina the Teenage Witch without all the deep philosophical lessons and more talking cats and making up shit to sound unique (while still failing). The Greek/Roman gods went out of style for a reason, as when the primary new material about you is a Hercules animated series starring French Stewart...on the god level, it's one fucking step away from Hollywood Squaresing yourself into a meth addiction with a gay prostitute next to one of the Baldwin brothers and Victoria Jackson (Jason Priestly is center square). No matter how much you pray, Aphrodite won't ever exist outside of a few horny Greek guys' masturbation fantasies. Also, am I the only one who finds it ironic that she worships the Goddess of Beauty yet she resembles a cross between Mr. Turtle from the Tootsie-Pop commercials and Milton Berle after a serious heroin overdose? Like I said, whatever fake shit strikes your fancy is fine, just attempt to have your stupid beliefs be more coherent than, y'know, stupid.
Every so often, some pathetic fuck on Newsarama wonders, "Oh, why can't I meet a female geek? She'd be cool and hot and funny!" To them I say: here's why. Female geeks, being such a small minority on the Internet, tend to hit the defective gene jackpot to an extent so hilarious that the end result is...this. My Little Pony. Jesus fuck. Since the vast majority of women are not geeks, obviously the ones who are make fanboys look like well adjusted human beings. Furrydom! Motherfucking furrydom! The Internet's version of "I am a sex offender, this is where I live, don't let your children near me." Harry Potter, anime, rampant love of property, I shouldn't bother; this is shooting fish in a barrel, and the fish can swim only one direction...and are dead. And the water stays still perpetually. And the bullet hits no matter where you aim it. Furries...man...
Personally, I'm at a loss on what to do with these people, these pagan furry goth weirdo crazies. It's time I ask a seasoned professional of mass genocide and wanton destruction what HE would do. Ladies and gentlemen, veteran warrior of the United States Military: Murder Division, Sgt. Major!
AHOORAH! MY SPECIALTY MAY BE SLICING AND DICING NIGGERS OF THE SAND VARIETY, BUT I SPENT A GOOD FEW YEARS IN THE WHITEST MILITARY KNOWN TO MAN: THE KKK! BACK IN THE DAYS OF THE DUKE REGIMENT OF NIGGER KILLING, WE HAD A SAYING: IF THEY'RE TOAST LET 'EM ROAST, IF THEY'RE PALE, LEARN TO SCALE! AHOORAH! WHAT THIS MEANS IS DARK-SKINNEDS DESERVE A GOOD BURNING AT THE STAKE WHILE FOR LIGHTER BLACKS WE KILL 'EM, SKIN 'EM, AND DISPLAY THEIR ENTRAILS ALL OVER THE TREES IN ORDER TO KEEP MORE OF THE MONKEYS AWAY! WORKED THE SAME WAY IN 'NAM, EXCEPT THE GOOKS WERE SO SMALL WE COULD BARELY EVEN WRAP THEIR SPINES AROUND ONE BRANCH! AHOORAH! WHY, I REMEMBER BACK IN MY LAI WHEN I WAS MACHINE GUNNING THE GOOKS INTO THEIR SHALLOW GRAVES, WE TRIED SLICING THEM OPEN AND USING THEIR INSIDES TO WARN THOSE VC MOTHERFUCKERS TO STAY AWAY, BUT THE INTESTINES WERE TOO SMALL! SO WE HAD TO FUCKING MURDER THOSE FUCKING GOOKS, EVERY SINGLE ONE, JUST TO STRING TOGETHER ENTRAILS LONG ENOUGH TO SCARE OFF THE GILLED, WEB-FOOTED BUCK TOOTHED MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE NORTH! AHOORAH! IT EVENTUALLY WORKED IN 'NAM, WHY WOULDN'T IT WORK IN THIS CASE?! AHOORAH! IF THAT STRATEGY FAILS, NAPALM ALWAYS WORKS! YOU DON'T KNOW WARFARE UNTIL YOU SEE SOMEONE'S SKIN MELTING OFF THE BONE! GETS ME MISTY EYED JUST THINKING ABOUT THE TIMES I USED TO BURN GOOKS INTO NOTHINGNESS! THOSE WERE THE FUCKING DAYS! AHOORAH!
Wow. That was...uh...something entirely unexpected. Steve Niles, care to wash the bad taste out our mouths, preferably not using the patented Steve Niles supercock?
Steve Niles cannot PROMISE TO NOT UNSEATH THE SUPERCOCK! It is there in case of EMERGENCIES - SPECIFICALLY SEXY EMERGENCIES. As you FAGGOTS know, Steve Niles fucks by the cover, not by the book, (Steve Niles does fuck bitches so hard he RAMS HIS SUPERCOCK RIGHT THROUGH BOOK 3 OF 3) and Crazy Pagan Lady is the equivalent of a book jacket covered in WARTS and BOILS and if you touch it you fucking get CANCER. Steve Niles readily bangs the black chicks, but not black chicks SO UGLY THEY COULD MOTHERFUCKING STOP TIME. Steve Niles has strict standards, people. No uglies WHATSOEVER, not even when Steve Niles was temporarily blinded after fighting GOD. This bitch doesn't warrant a non-enjoyable civic duty fuck. This bitch warrants Steve Niles to PIMP SLAP HER WITH THE BASE OF THE SUPERCOCK INTO THE GREATER SOLAR FUCKING SYSTEM, MOTHERFUCKERS! If you can't fucking handle THE NILES and if you can't live up to the NILES standard, you fucking should GO BACK IN TIME AND STRANGLE YOURSELF IN THE WOMB. YOU HEAR ME, CRAZY PAGAN LADY? If you're so pro-choice, MAKE THE CHOICE OF KILLING YOURSELF!
More what I expected, Steve. Thanks for your words of wisdom on the...fuckableness...of this creature. Right now Crazy Pagan Lady is 2/3rds the way through writing a novel. I suspect its imminent completion will somehow wipe out the works of Hemmingway, Bulowski, Thompson, Limonov and Wolfe just by existing as a written work. I hate to think what future injustices she may inflict on the English language and the innovations of Gutenberg through 'publishing' (on the Internet, the black market of shit) her rubbish. I pray to the Dionysus it isn't successful! I also pray to several other fake gods: God, Leninkoa (Krakoa, the living island + Lenin), Malfeasance (the Republican Party god whose name isn't Ronald Reagan) and Ra (the sun god!). They will fake aid me in my quest, surely!
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week: