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Livejournal Moron of the Week
by Doom, Rammspieler, the Fanboy, Chuck Austen and CliffyB
guest starring J. Jonah Jameson
Week 55: Slash!
Hard on the heels of the landmark Harry Draco article (well, if by 'hard on the heels' I mean 'about a month after'...) comes this next Livejournal Moron of the Week, since I didn't want to be left out in the uniform disgust afforded to people who get off to two young male fictional characters getting each other off. This time it's something in my neck of the woods - comic books. A common medium for slash to pop up on the Internet, most notably Captain America/Iron Man, Iceman/Northstar, Superman/Batman, Batman/Nightwing, Batman/Robin, Nightwing/Robin...basically anything involving Batman. Peter Parker's not one I see often, I must admit. His comics have shown him as straight beyond a shadow of a doubt, and usually slash writers try to go for subjects with more ambiguous sexuality and not the airtight superstraightness of someone like Spider-Man. But apparently things like 'fact' and 'logic' don't stop a minority of freaks on livejournal, the scum of the earth as far as fanfiction writing is concerned (DeviantArt being the artistic equivalent of it). I give you the community that makes Dan Slott's work on Spider-Man/Human Torch disturbing in retrospect...Johnny Peter!
I didn't begin this article by forcing you to look at any screenshots because really, there isn't much point to doing it. There's nothing in the way of hilarious fanart like I expected; merely fanfiction. Damn. I'm already failing to live up to expectations of the horrific picture that opened the Harry Draco one! Time to rethink my methodology behind writing this. Fuck it. I'll go for excerpts from fanfiction and have Rammspieler and I comment on them. And, why not, Chuck Austen. And the Fanboy. And, uh...CliffyB. Don't you love it when I change the article's format while writing it? It's like improv! Or scrambling for ideas!
Doom: I think the use of the verb 'cocked', referring to an eyebrow, is highly inappropriate considering the subject matter.
Rammspieler: You know what I like about this particular excerpt? That it totally destroys the purpose of having a Peter/Johnny slashfic community by including A WOMAN into the fun. But not just ANY woman. IT INCLUDES MJ A.K.A. THE WOMAN WHO DESTROYED THE SPIDER-MAN CONTINUITY OF BEING A NERDY HIGH SCHOOLER FOR EVER AND EVER!
Chuck Austen: Chuck Austen likes threesomes, but not the m/m/f kind of threesomes. Trust me, I've had them. They're nothing short of disturbing and disconcerting. There's too much of a chance of your dick accidentally hitting the other guy's dick. So obviously it's only for gay guys like this Spider-Man and Human Torch. Now if I wrote either of those two, I would not make them gay. Sure, Johnny would be into bondage and Spider-Man a chubby chaser, but it wouldn't be as disgusting as splooging jizz all over the spider on Spider-Man's back. That shit's gay.
The Fanboy: Worst. Threesome. Ever.
CliffyB: CliffyB finds sexual relationships involving two men disgusting and against the grace of God! Oh yeah!
Doom: Gay. I don't know what else to say but 'gay'.
Rammspieler: Um... I don't fucking get it. Not enough man-on-man action. On the other hand, it suffers from one of the failings of fanfiction. When fanfic writers try and go the pretentious emotional route and insert unnecessary drama where it is otherwise out-of-character.
The Fanboy: Ahem, it is apparent the fanfiction takes place in a universe outside the continuity I know and love. Not only does it stretch the imagination by retconning Peter and Johnny into a gay couple, it dramatically shifts what transpired during the Civil War event. In the REAL 616, Johnny was in the hospital for many days after being beaten up by an irate crowd. He clearly would not be able to reach home at his own volition. What, are we supposed to believe the beer bottle in this version is some sort of a magic xylophone? None of this makes sense. And it couldn't have happened to the Human Torch; he was not shot in the barfight. GARBAGE C-
Doom: Wow, I wonder how long it took her to figure out such a 'great' title for her pornography starring characters owned by a corporation. "A Web to A Flame" must be up there in terms of obvious titles, alongside "Along Came A Spider", "Flame On", "The Spider and the Fire", and "Johnny and Peter get fucked". I decided not to screencap an excerpt of the fanfic itself; frankly, I don't think this site's audience cares to read more "Problem was, he wasn’t sure if he had any lubrication of any sort. He was all ready cursing himself for not thinking of that to begin with." than absolutely necessary.
Rammspieler: As long as this is not one of those fanfics based on a popular song on the radio. Trust us. We are writers and we do not get inspired to write our awesome shit by listening to Kelly Fucking Clarkson! In fact, right at this moment I finished listening to Laibach's rendition of Siddharta's B Mashina because it's good music to get angry to. The result? Either a good piece of writing or half-assed shit. In this case it's half-assed shit.
CliffyB: Homosexuality is an affront to God's majesty! Oh yeah! These sinners must be punished for their disgusting, sinful ways! That's why I'm putting these faggots in Gears of War 2: Helter Skelter and having the player kill all of them as part of the first level! You have the option of stoning them, shooting them or burning those flamers with the flamethrower! That's what those freaks deserve for disgracing two of CliffyB's favorite heterosexual and normal characters! Oh yeah!
Doom: This isn't evident from the screenshots in this article, but Dragondream08 writes approximately 47% of all Johnny Storm/Peter Parker fanfiction to ever exist in this crazy world we live in. Seriously. Her 'work' appears about 4 or 5 times every 20 entries on this thing. I think this screencap, more than any of the other ones I hurriedly made an hour or two before writing the article, conveys the kind of sadness and obsessiveness the type of people who write, especially on livejournal, experience every day. 18,000 words in a month. I know I write more than that per month, but my work is slightly more useful to the world than appealing to a subset of a subset wanting to see Johnny Storm shove Peter Parker's webshooters up his ass. "Walloping websnappers! My anus is tingling!"
Rammspieler: Who is with me on planning a raid of FanFiction.net's servers? Any brave souls?
The Fanboy: I do not see how Dragondream08's fanfic could ever align itself with the mainstream continuity of the 616. Or even my own 20 part fanfic wherein Spider-Man falls in love with Buffy Summers and they must fight a vampire version of the Green Goblin together. Trust me, I made painstaking efforts to ensure it lined up with 616 and Whedonverse continuity. It fits perfectly in between Season 3 of Buffy and Amazing Spider-Man Vol. 2 #29. But the larger problem is no way are Spider-Man and the Human Torch gay. I can cite thousands of comics to prove their heterosexuality. Don't force me to break out my longboxes and digital archives, Dragondream08. You won't like me when I'm knee-deep in researching evidence for the argument I try out at comic book stores and then post on the Internet. It's times like these I prefer the MJ marriage - because if they broke up, I know the perverts at Marvel would immediately make Spider-Man into a gay.
Doom: I thought the community's subject matter is Johnny/Peter, not Johnny/Transsexual Peter. I mean, the two are clearly very different fetishes. One's for two male comic book heroes fucking each other in the ass. The other involves one of them to change his sex to female and then get fucked in the ass by the remaining male one. Hyperactivator, you're confusing fetishes!
Rammspieler: A FEMALE CLONE OF SPIDER-MAN! I don't care if this is Bendis' idea. This is just DC-esque fanboy masturbation fodder in the making. But at least it should help the fangirls come to terms with their fake bisexuality.
Chuck Austen: I've been there. Yeah. I've been there. One night in West Hollywood I went out to a club, right? All's well. I met a chick who's got it all: ass, tits, legs, etc. We hit it off well, and I was able to have good conversation with her. Conversation where, unusually, I managed to talk to her for 20 minutes without slobbering all over her tits or giving her a reason to press charges. So I decide to take her home to the Chuckcave (my apartment in Compton). I fix her some drinks, then we start going at it pretty hard. I take off her panties and...cock. Cock! Cock! At first I thought it was a strap-on. But after sucking on it for 10 minutes...I know sexual technology has not advanced to the degree of such realistic fake cocks. Turns out, she/he's my old friend Chris Moeller, whom I created Tripping the Rift with. And that's how I ended up having a story on LITG two years after retiring from non-pornographic comic book work.
Doom: I think Steve Rogers is a little dead to sexually service Iron Man. Unless...OH SHIT, THAT'S JUST WRONG, SON! The Tony Stark I've read and followed for almost 15 years is not a corpse fucker. Why would he need to fuck corpses? He's Bruce Wayne if Bruce Wayne wasn't a loser who lived in his mom's basement. Other than this cock-up, the fic is spectacularly boring. I noticed a lot of the fanfiction on the community have low word counts, from somewhere between 85 to 200. In my opinion, that's not enough words for a story. Especially if the story's brief and stupid and clues you in to the pairings just by indirect reference and calling someone "Peter's boyfriend" despite never naming who Peter's boyfriend is. I highly doubt pathetic chicks can get moist to a succinct piece of shit such as this.
Rammspieler: A crossover fic. Only it's not a crossover fic. I guess fanfic authors are finally beginning to see the faults of their own tripe and are finding ways to keep on writing the same tripe but under a different dressing!
The Fanboy: No way would an American hero like Captain America ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever take Tony the Fascist to the malt shop, much less have homosexual sex with him!
Now that the screencaps are over, it's time for a special special guest to chime in. It's none other than our former publisher, J. Jonah Jameson!
I knew it! I knew that blasted wallcrawler was a sodomite! First he's committing wanton acts of violence on suspected criminals, next he's rebelling against Iron Man's pro-registration superteam, and now he's locking lips with another man?! HE'S GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME! Sodomites endanger our fair city almost as much as superheroes do. You could be walking down the street until some homo accosts you and threatens to kill you if you don't give him makeup! Blamed ballcrawlers are the reason crime is so high! And you want to know why? Because they can't get their designer shoes here in the States. They need to import them from other countries with the help of organized crime. See! Proof that Spider-Man is a no-good, child molesting criminal! And I never trusted that Johnny Storm character either. He has flamer powers for a reason. ...Oh God, I figured out why Spider-Man has webshooters. DAMN YOU, SPIDER-MAN! You know, I used to consider Peter Parker as a son to me. Then I found out he was Spider-Man and a homosexual. I don't need a daughter who commits masked vigilantism and unprotected sex. I'm better with the damned werewolf! There. I'm done with my paragraph. Get back to work, Doom! I expect you to write another update by Thursday!
Thank you, Mr. Jameson. Especially for the demands you can no longer, uh, demand of me. That wraps everything up. I know it's been a chaotic article, with a few stylistic changes and a 'throwing things together at the last minute' feel to it, but I like to think we wrote a few good zingers in here. Right? Right?!?!?!?!
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week: