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Blog Fuckhead of the Month 1
by Doom, Steve Niles and Chuck Austen
A brand new monthly feature, people! Blog Fuckhead of the Month aims to reach a satirical point originally impossible in previous builds of the Daily Raider - mocking the people writing in the blogosphere, the worst osphere since the Lithosphere. I have no idea why the blogosphere exists or what purpose it serves other than encouraging idiots who love the sound of their own voice to further contaminate the Internet with their terrible, terrible humor, insight, and posts about their cats. The safety of the Internet allows for these people to hold unpopular or just plain dumb opinions without much [if any] scrutiny. In this case: Libertarianism. Libertarianism can be summed up as an ideological equivalent to the phrase "I DON'T WANNA!!!!!" or "I HATE YOU DAD!!!!!" or perhaps the longer "Societal responsibility? Do something about it and stop making me feel guilty! I can feel self-righteous by being an active proponent of sloth and greed instead!" Libertarians imagine the island in Pinocchio as the model for society, a society where no one ages and everyone does whatever they want. What better place for the proponents of Libertarianism to gather than the Internet, a place where thanks to anonymous chat rooms, you might never get old. A great example of the Objectivist "Use Randian bullshit to justify acting like a prick" philosophy is the snooty and aristocratic Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey. Just the name clues you in to the type of idiot we're dealing with here.
Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey, who from now on I will be referring to as "Jacque" for sake of not having to write out the damn name every time I refer to her, sees herself as a very good woman. An exceptional woman, even. This streak of arrogance invades every single post, because primarily she believes people care about what she says and what her worthless life entails and because she considers herself to be a cut above the majority of the populace. Hm, aristocratic arrogance from a Libertarian? I'm shocked. Very shocked. Here's her justification about her self-imposed status as high quality:
Oh realy? A high-quality woman, you say? Using statistics?! When someone cites an IQ test as proof of intelligent, you know they're an asshole who's exploited the result of the non-substantial test for years if not decades. As for her interests, women who like science fiction, libertarianism and guns...tend to skew towards the 'social leper' category, the kind who enjoy writing fanfiction and hate the sunlight. 92% of men don't like social leper women, due to the scabs and detachable body parts. After about four bullet points of this, it begins to get really, really sad as she goes on and on trying to justify why a man should want to put his dick in her consensually. Since I'm not an expert on women, and on staff we have not one but TWO experts of the fairer and dickless sex, I pause to yield the floor to our two sex experts, or 'sexperts', Steve Niles and Chuck Austen, on the topic of how high quality Jacque really is. Here's a picture of her for reference, one thankfully lacking the toothy scowl reminding me of lockjaw which presents itself in all of her other pictures:
LEGEND OF THE DOG-FACED WOMAN
Steve Niles (badass motherfucker, creator of 30 Days of Night, friend of Thomas Jane): As I told this bitch in my E-MAIL to her, I wouldn't even use her UGLY HORSE FACE to use as a COCK WIPER! She's got a forehead almost larger in width than my COCK, and the Steve Niles doesn't fuck huge forehead women, even if they motherfucking BEG on their KNEES! I bet she LIVES IN A STABLE NEXT TO A BUNCH OF OTHER UGLY-ASS HORSES! She's 28 and THE STEVE NILESTER LIKES GIRLS A LITTLE YOUNGER THAN GRANDMA AGE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Most of all, though, women with STANDARDS and HIGH OPINIONS of themselves are a FUCKING DRAG! Why? Because they won't do ANAL unless you daterape them and THE NILESTER can't afford another ACCUSATION OF FELONY! Overall I give her a 2 out of 10, I wouldn't even STEAL HER AWAY FROM HER BOYFRIEND, SHE'S THAT UGLY!
Chuck Austen: I concur with Steve Niles. I may not have met any women in my life who I later didn't have to pay a large sum of money to, but I know women when I see them. Jacquelwhateverhernameis is not a woman, 'she''s a post-op transsexual. Unfortunately in my endeavors as a comic book C-lister, many of the women who came on to me turned out to actually be either women with penises or women who used to have penises. I never went past 2nd base with anyone of them, but let's just say I know my transsexuals when I see them. Note her large neck bulge, her big forehead, and her bad hair. It's obviously a wig worn by a bald man who can afford breast implants but not hair growth formula. My guess is 'she' was Fred from the pop act Right Said Fred, who found his only way to be successful in life other than rehashing "I'm Too Sexy" was to suck dick for money on corners, and entered the world of transsexualism after realizing it'd increase profits. Unfortunately, he didn't do a good job at hiding his former gender. I give him/her a 1 out of 10, even I'm not desperate enough to hit that.
Other various facts. Her first husband turned out to be gay, and judging from her looks, I'm not totally against the theory of her utter ugliness both intellectually and physically forced her husband to go to the gay side as a reprieve from her lockjaw scowl. Her last boyfriend was a professional poker player. Pause for laughter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay. So far the only romantic interests I've found from her are a gay man and a poker player. Both of whom are loyal Randroids. Oh, and one of those non-flattering pictures of her?
So, now that we've established that she's not in fact a high-quality woman, let's hear her opinion on other slightly less egotistical matters! Such as, oh, I don't know, maybe the poor! I'm sure she just loves the poor.
If I was her, I'd stop the post after "I'm from an upper middle class background" and then either shut up or kill myself for being Jacque the Libertarian Psycho Girl. She obviously never experienced anything close to poverty or else she'd know the cycle of poverty is not a self-inflicted disaster created by a bunch of lazy poor people who are too lazy to be born into aristocratic families like upstanding citizen George W. Bush. I'm betting her 'experience' boiled down to seeing the same destitute guy on the street begging for a blanket and $5, and after scoffing at him for several days, she came to the conclusion that he chose to be in such a sorry state. Obviously poor people don't have good character because a poor boyfriend would say "I tried to buy you flowers but didn't earn enough money this week" whereas a rich boyfriend would say "Jenkins, get the bouquet out!" What's the point of dating without the prospect of pointless material possessions?!
Libertarianism. Not an attractive component in anyone. There's a reason why people called Ayn Rand "the Slavic bitch Goddess" when she first blathered on about how corporations know us better than we know ourselves. Jacque regularly worships at the Temple of the Free Market, extending her impressive Randroid status by even running as the Libertarian candidate for Washington Secretary of State, where she lost of course. Her devotion to the cause of the Free Market does add up logistically; what better political affiliation for a self-absorbed uncompassionate egomaniac? Well, other than fascism. That's right! Libertarianism. In the spirit of Ayn Rand, I suggest we let the market decide whether or not she's a bitch. And by 'the market' I mean me. So yes, the market decrees: Jacque is a bitch of the highest order.
Other than the whole Libertarianism...thing, there's plenty of other reasons to doubt her intelligence and thus high quality. Such as interest in Joss Whedon shows [which typically is bad enough]...for their philosophical content. I'm not joking. I can't come up with this kind of shit independently. She loves gambling, because gambling is a great thing to indulge in if you don't fucking have money [like me!]. Interest in trashy male masturbation tools wrapped in faux female empowerment packaging, aka Dark Angel.
At least she avoids the pitfalls of what makes me feel like killing everyone in the immediate area when I come across a blog, right? Right? RIGHT?!?!!?!!?!?!
OH GODDAMNIT!!!! Why must cats invade every facet of the Internet, and so many of the denizens live double lives as douchebaggy cat owners, cat owners who feel the need to broadcast their cats to millions of people wotldwide? Why? Why? I don't give a shit about friends of mine who own cats, so why put emotional investment into the cats of a capitalist swine girl? Hey, I own a gerbil as a pet. And I know a black guy! Maybe I should change the site to "Hey, look at my pet gerbil and this black guy" instead of a weekly excuse to bash Sony and nerds. Apparently it'd increase my traffic to the point of self-employment, because through some ritualistic Satanic deed, Jacque is able to vacation regularly and live handsomely as a professional fucking blogger. Professional fucking blogger. If I type the phrase out any more I'm apt to skewer myself with a few knives.
As with all possible sociopaths on the Internet, Jacque takes her Internet blogging seriously. How seriously? VERY SERIOUSLY. Check it.
What the FUCK is wrong with her?!?! Her declaration is like saying "If you are unwilling to join my RPG, don't be in my life! [unnecessary finger snapping]" only to an even more obsessive and loserly extent. Really, do these people take themselves so seriously to the extent where real life aka reality matters get superseded by a fucking Internet BLOG!? If I had a Goddamn Myspace page and my theoretical girlfriend wished I stop referencing her in my stupid, pointless blog posts, I'd do it. Why? Sex > Useless Internet thing. Though I see her point in a way. What kind of significant other would be distressed by their significant other continuously writing self-aggrandizing blog posts involving herself sharing the intimate details of her life to everyone connected to the Internet? Obviously someone not fit for the likes of Jacque the High-Quality Barely-Functioning Egomaniac!
In conclusion, I do not consider Jacque to be a high-quality woman, or even a middling-quality woman. To be honest, she's the New York Knicks of women: constantly bragging about their quality, but never coming up with enough offense to win a playoff spot, or any fulfilling life other than writing about cats and pretending the Internet cares about her, when in fact, the Internet, like the cold hard reasoning behind objectivism, treats her as just another dreg of society worthy only of sterilization and isolation from the rest of society.