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Blog Moron of the Week
by Doom and Generalissimo Furioso
Week 23: Suburban Survivalist
Writing Blog Morons is difficult. Wait. Correction: selecting Blog Morons is difficult, and not because of a dearth of choices. So many to choose from, and it's not like Myspace or Facebook, where most profiles look similar. Blogging allows for more customization and thus more variety in numbskullery. Political, religious, media, pop culture, parenthood, advice, feminist, aggrieved white male to name just a few of the categories which house dozens of interestingly terrible blogs. Although sometimes it can get to be a bit of a slog, especially when no attractive prospects jump out at you right away. After intensive searching, the Raider came across the perfect person or persons: Suburban Survivalist. The name should tell you why that's fucking great.
Suburban Survivalist claims not to be the kind of survivalist you and I are all thinking about when we hear the term. Indeed, there are no guns, no bombs, no paramilitary training on the part of the Suburban Survivalist. Instead he/she/it is suburban, meaning they don't do anything risky like oppose the government, refuse to pay taxes or buy up illegal weaponry for the coming Helter Skelter. They certainly put the suburban in their name by way of aiming the blog entries towards the suburban people paranoid enough about the frailty of their perfect, pampered existence they need preparations and contingencies for any bad thing that could ever happen to them. Therein lies the hilarity of the blog: white people need to read up on how to keep their garden from undergoing a nuclear meltdown and possible plans for ensuring no clowns rape your children so you can know what to do before the carnival rolls into town. But I can't say Suburban Survivalist doesn't have a target audience; look how many pantswetters were born as a result of 9/11. This shit is a moneymaker, easy.
This blog is stupid and for many, many reasons. One has to wonder who exactly reads this sort of stuff and believes that it'll actually come in handy if modern society ever came to a screeching halt. I don't know about you, but the last thing I'd think of when the bombs went off or the robots revolted would be remembering that certain varieties of flowers discourage insects from latching onto my precious food garden. I haven't seen any articles that describe how to protect your food garden from something that's actually threatening to it, like Raiders or bears. What are you going to do then, huh? Offer them flowers to just walk away instead of just taking everything they need and want? In the case that the world ever comes down to it, I hope the person who writes this gets raped while I sit with my family in Der Furiosobunker. One last thing: notice the subtle racism in the blog post; the author says these flowers will repel "Mexican bean beetles". Sure, yeah, bean beetles. If there's one thing the suburbs hate more than their drug habits being exposed, it's Mexicans and all the Reggaeton-infused, bilingual filth influencing our proud white children through the multiculturalist media.
This is some amazingly stupid advice because to me it doesn't seem like this situation would ever occur. Maybe in the 50s when everyone suspected everyone else of being a Communist and informing on a neighbor's red leanings was a badge of pride, but no one fucking cares about their neighbors' happenings anymore. Anybody who would go to the effort of buying some shit on eBay just to prove to neighbors you're just buying shit on eBay shows me the problem is more with the person and not the neighbors. "Oh, uh, never mind these assault rifle-shaped packages, they're just useless little knickknacks I buy compulsively because of my disease." Creating a lame excuse about it will only heighten imagined suspicions, not soften them. "Don't mind this meat cleaver, it's really just some movie memorabilia! From eBay! I buy lots of things from eBay! Like duffel bugs...full of knickknacks!" It's fucking pathetic. The fact that the author thanks "John Galt" for the idea makes it all the more funny/pathetic.
Survival is a matter of perseverance and willingness to do whatever it takes to not die. It has nothing to do with your fancy acronyms (seriously, what the fuck is Labor Under Correct Knowledge?). Hell, fear is an important part of survival, it lets you do dangerous things that show you shouldn't be fucked with. The fear response is appropriate and instead of being ignored in a survival setting, it should be embraced. I can just picture these people after The End, rummaging through their little packs while espousing their little mantras of preparedness. Meanwhile, the motorcycle gangs are roaring across the landscape cutting people's heads off and having sex with them. Hell, you'd probably be better off watching the Mad Max saga than reading what these fucking gits write.
Oh boy! A list of things to buy so that you're ready for the end of days! And it was written for Y2K? God, this is fucking amazing shit right here, people. The list is pretty basic stuff at first, lots of dry and imperishable foods, but then we get to stuff like coconut, clarified butter and mayonnaise. One has to wonder what exactly this guy was thinking because that stuff has FAT and OIL in it and that stuff goes bad faster than it took for Tim Russert's corpse to be packed in Styrofoam and launched into space to serve as a grim warning to the other aliens not to mess with us.
My favorite thing ever, THE CHAINSAW. This blog suggests that should the economy ever take a downturn, the chainsaw would be a valuable tool to have. Of course, that's providing that you have gasoline or electricity to actually power the damn thing in the first place. I mean, nothing is funnier than watching someone ruin themselves by making a stupid decisions because someone on the Internet told them to, but I really want to see someone come back home after being turned away from the logging industry because they already have people who can work chainsaws and can do it a million times better than some jerkass who did it because "THE INTERNET TOLD HIM TO". Ahh, I know it's schadenfreude but seriously, that would make my life that much more tolerable.
Wow, what a bunch of paranoid fuckwits. For those of you out there who aren't aware what RFID is, it stands for Radio Frequency Identification and it's nothing at all to be worried about. Seriously, if anti-hoarding laws are enacted, big fucking deal. If it's end of the world or the fall of modern society (which is what survivalism is all about surviving) then there's no need to worry about laws because who's going to enforce them? It's not Judge Dredd is going to show up and start punching through people's faces all willy-nilly. Hell, if you're that worried about privacy, then you've probably already crossed the line where you don't trust or believe in the government so you'll probably end up recreating Waco or Ruby Ridge anyway, so why not just go "Fuck All" and do it anyway?
Despite the many, many blog entries, I'm unconvinced the advice Suburban Survivalist is legitimate. I asked our favorite advice dispenser, Dr. Steve Brule, what he thinks we ought to do in a situation wherein survivalism is necessary. Here is his response, in his characteristic Brule's Rules segment for Channel 5 News.
I'm Dr. Steve Brule with another Brule Rule. If it's the Apocalypse and you're out of groceries, don't eat your family. Go to a supermarket, you dummy. And get a lot of grapefruits, you never know when a grapefruit is going to be useful, but it's always delicious. For your health.
That's why he's so beloved, America. In any event, Suburban Survivalist is fucking stupid and fucking shit and anybody who reads that blog (unfortunately a sizable amount of people) is likewise a fucking idiot. But I suppose in the end the joke will be on them, as they'll find their methods of protecting themselves from whatever causes them to shit the bed this week will not work when confronted with real problems, such as financial meltdown, empire decline and China owning our asses and sending American girls as pussy prizes for Chinese guys who've climbed the Party ladder. Flowers and other such bullshit won't help you stave off the impending destruction of the US of A. Half-in/half-out survivalism doesn't work. You have to commit to it. Become a right-wing nut and stockpile shit! Make weapons deals! Build bunkers! Do whatever it takes. Buying mac & cheese for the kids just isn't enough.