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Blog Moron of the Week
by Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Jedi Guardian
Week 35: The Neverending Battle of Funny vs. Sad
In our pseudo-profession, it is not often when we almost come close to pitying the people we mock. This is such a case, however. When we started reading Pansy and Peony, an inane Catholic blog about women who love havin' babies and second class citizenship (and nothing else because they have no other physical or mental qualifications for tasks besides incubation), its thoughtless drivel infuriated. But soon the various blog posts began to sketch the image of very, very sad individuals whose lives are completely defined by having children and caring for those worthless little moppets. (At least in the old days you could send kids off to the factory to bolster the family income.) It almost makes one want to go sterile; the picture their sad lives paint is that grim. Fortunately, there's still just enough appalling ignorance to make them simultaneously amusing. They're such dumb fucking women. Good fucking thing the Pope lets you beat women.
http://moss-place.stblogs.org/
On the hilarity/sadness scale, this entry leans towards the sad side, yet also remains fucking hilarious at the same time. It's oddly more hilarious as it gets more sad (like when a clown dies or when Tori Amos gets raped). Now, my family is technically Catholic, but we're on the lapsed side of Catholicism (my parents want to hedge their bets; I don't give a shit), but this is just confusing as I'm sure that the idea of the happy housewife who's barefoot in the kitchen and pregnant was something that only existed in the South (you know, the places that are so covered with chewing tobacco that the sun refuses to shine on them). "It's so weird that there was a time in my life that I started out as one person. Can't remember..." This line in particular hurts my brain. I'm quite sure that unless her baby suddenly decided to fuse itself to her vaginal cavity, she still technically counts as a single person in the laws of physics, medicine and everything that's good and sane with the world. I hope she falls down a flight of stairs and has a miscarriage right there. (Thanks for making Miscarriages funny again, Fuckley.) I mean, how else can one respond to this blog post? Pansy or whatever her real name is is completely pathetic, mopping, cleaning and baking calzones in an exciting, action-packed Friday night. At least drink some red; don't worry, Jaysis and his magical powers will ensure your baby doesn't get born with a tumor the size of a golf ball.
Oh, Christ. What the fuck is this world coming to? Sonogram machines dangerous? Come on! I've heard of people being afraid of the doctor's office, but this? I thought women were smarter than men! Sonogram machines being mankind's worst threat? I like she goes on a tangent on how more boys are born that girls. If that were true, then why the fuck is more than 50% of the human race's population composed of women? Yeah, yeah, more boys are born than girls. But matter of the fact is that those extra males are mostly likely going to die, considering how most of them go to war and all. Obviously China is going to have more males that females. They have caps on how many children you have. The first child has to be male or you get it aborted. Thank God for sonograms, eh? I think this 'mother' is not really a mother. Much less a woman. Not even a human being. No human being would seriously say China will at some point need to invade a country solely because of guys who want to have sex. That's what the international sex slavery trade is for, people! Goddamn.
I think my children saved me... Somehow I think that the author isn't a housewife, but rather a crazy old cat lady with no human contact whatsoever because she has to be fucking kidding about this 'being saved by children' bullshit. Now, I know my parents love me and all that jazz, but they were obviously stable and well-adjusted before I came along. To suggest that having loads of children around is good for your mental state is a motherfucking bold-faced lie. I work with children, large groups of them, and I can tell you that when you have a room filled with psychotic little monsters who don't fully grasp what it means to be a fucking human being, well, you know why I spend a good deal of my time being angry and pretending to shoot things. Bitch is fucking crazy and needs to really die now. So should her 'children' if they do exist, because the story of the toddler rolling under a van and another child poking the toddler with a stick. Hate to break this to you, Pansy, but, uh, Child A is gonna get weeded out by natural selection soon (i.e., "PLAYING WITH PLASTIC BAG IS FUN!!!") and Child B will become a serial killer in 15-20 years. Better smother them literally now. Oh, and God didn't give you pre-treater because he doesn't exist. Just thought you'd like to know.
Okay, one thing I REALLY hate about blogs is how nine times out of ten, someone will take something someone else wrote and just link to it in a haphazard fashion in order to get more hits while not writing any new content. In this case, it's a link to a comment made by an Archbishop who claims that Planned Parenthood is racist and makes money by destroying the future. Now, I'm not a fancy big city futurist, but it seems to me that it's impossible to stop the future due to the simple fact that preventing a bunch of people from having babies that they can't support isn't going to stop the future. If anything, it's going to save it. We all know that overpopulation is one of the biggest problems facing the world today and the fucking Catholic Church is doing its fucking damnedest to make sure that we're all going to be buried alive under corpses of the babies that people had without the ability to keep them alive. Fuck this noize, fuck it in a grand manner. One last thing: archbishops should be "the spiritual advisors to the dungeonmaster", not people with actual power. Archbishop sounds like a staff position on the Battlestar Galactica.
Gee, I didn't know that the mother was the whole reason mankind existed! I thought you needed sperm to fertilize the egg to make an offspring. I don't understand her rhetoric of women not building any exemplar architecture. So what if women aren't master architects? You're not perfect breeding machines either. How do you explain deformed babies? Are they gifts from God too? And according to neutral sources, fathers play a pivotal role on the child's life. Sure, you can marry another man. Sure, he play 'dad' with your kid, but he still will not replace his biological father, and most of the time the reason why he plays the father figure role is because he wants some underage ass. So, not only is she a lonely cat lady, she's a fucking feminist (but without any of the striving for real legal rights). Which explains her love for baby girls. Jesus, you'd think these types of bitches would've been locked inside in a retirement center by now, without access to anything except for the john. And this feminist bitch tells her readers how women are better than any scientist or architect or a social democrat simply by virtue of biological capabilities? So she pumps out babies, so what? A bitch pumps out pups, do we need a website about that, too? I'm sure Tim McVeigh's mom or Cho Seung-Hui's mom would differ with her opinion about how children are women's greatest creation.
I am betting Pansy's decision to send her kids to real school after over a decade of fake school (aka home schooling) will not end well, since it is proven statistically that most freaks were either adopted or homeschooled. Most serial killers, crazy people and horror movie villains fall under one or both of those categories. I've never met a normal person (i.e., someone who did not foam at the mouth) who was homeschooled. It just doesn't fucking happen. The fake schooled people are like autistics; completely unable to cope in a social environment. I may hate the school system in this country, but it's far superior to the alternative of having parents and Christofascist tutors force feeding you opinions so much so that you never develop any of your own. Just the kid's nickname, Rosey Posey, proves she will grow up to be one of those girls who feeds cats who aren't there. This blog post is one of the sadder on there, as the kids had no choice in being born to this cancerous mass of idiocy.
But it is not just issues of babies and religion that Pansy (it seems Peony does not post often, or exist; perhaps Pansy killed her years ago and now uses her uterus to bake more children) cares about. Look here as she opines on NIGGERS and fast food:
I don't want to alarm her further, but not only do outspoken black people cut commercials for Burger King, outspoken black people work there too. In all likelihood, the wrapped sandwich you eat was put together by a black person, thereby making your food covered in black. (From further research, it turns out Pansy is black. Well, I'm not sure what to say. I've found a black person whiter than Michael Steele. THIS IS A SHOCKING SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY.) I don't really like Diddy since he's an untalented moron, but his existence does not alter my position on the Burger King issue. I don't go to Burger King because the meat they profess to use is likely not from cows or chickens at any step in the process. But I guess Pansy normally would want to be a fat fast food consumer because she needs to complete the stereotype of dumb, ugly, religious and fat. I notice she singles out a lot of political opinions of celebrities as being invalid because she does not think starring in bad Disney movies constitutes backing in political issues. Yet I'm sure she was fine with the shithead who starred alongside a monkey becoming the leader of the United States of Corporate Fascism. Yeah, he was a dirty evil celebrity BUT HE HAD THE RIGHT OPINIONS. Unlike Matt Damon, that commie.
GODDAMNIT SHUT UP HOW THE FUCK IS IT TAKING ON RESPONSIBILITY WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE A MOM IN A RICH FAMILY THAT CAN FUCKING PAY PEOPLE TO RAISE THE FUCKING SPROG FOR YOU AND HOW WILL SHE FUCKING LEARN THE DIFFICULTIES OF RAISING A KID WHEN HER HUSBAND (MARRIED WHILE TODD PALIN HAS A SHOTGUN BARREL IN THE SMALL OF THE KID'S BACK) GETS TONS OF MONEY WORKING AT THE MOONSHINE FACTORY AND THE FAMILY OF FUCKING MONEY SUPPORTS YOU AND WHY IS THIS HAILED AS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF AMERICANA WHEN THESE SAME ASSHOLES BITCH ABOUT UNWED SINGLE MOTHERS WHO AREN'T THE RIGHT COLOR
GODDAMNIT GODDAMNIT GODDAMNIT I HATE EVERYTHING FUCKING DIE
Too bad, good priests only like young boys.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! i can't breathe Oh Sweet Merciful Allah the above is funny for like 36 reasons. You can't fucking say anything about it. You don't need to. Just fucking read it and you'll have fallen out of your chair and gone into anaphylactic shock by the end of the post. The ball! The groin! Give that woman the $10,000.
So in conclusion: funny or sad? Let's look at the evidence. A black Catholic with like 15 idiotic kids who believes the shit in the Bible really happened. Sad. Yet also funny because she is a black Catholic with like 15 idiotic kids who believes the shit in the Bible really happened. No matter how you slice it, however, her existence and her stupid goddamn blog postings make you wish after-birth abortion was a viable option in this country.